“This week was busy for Satsvarupa Maharaja. The echocardiogram was negative—no leaky valves, good pressure, no extra fluid, etc.—nothing to be of concern to the swelling of feet and legs. The water pills are doing their job, and things are within passible limits. His shoe laces are long enough to tie now. His blood work also came back, and everything was in favorable limits. So the heart scare is over for now on that issue. What remains is the hip problem. One radiologist says the pain comes from a tendon rubbing on a calcium buildup. For a second opinion, we go to an orthopedic surgeon on the 23rd to see what can be done proactively, if anything, because the cortisone shot did not seem to counteract the pain that well. Hopefully he won’t recommend anything invasive.
Hare Krsna,
Baladeva”
Chanting without offenses is also called suddha-nama, the perfect stage of chanting, where one begins to experience ecstatic bodily symptoms and receives revelations of the Name, form, quality, and pastimes of Radha and You. It is an advanced stage of spiritual life. Sometimes, for part of my japa, I may be free of the major offenses and chant the shadow of the holy names. That is on my brilliant days. But that is not enough. I need to experience nama-ruci, the taste of the nectar of hari-nama. And I need to not slide back down to offensive chanting.
******
I think my reports on my chanting give a worse picture than the actual performance. I pretty much accomplish the basic routine. I chant at a pace of less than seven minutes per round, I keep awake, I hear the syllables (although at a whisper), my mind doesn’t daydream all over the universe, and I accomplish at least eight rounds before it’s time to take my shower. It’s not so bad, except that I have higher anticipations. No trace of meditating on the form of Krsna (except when I gaze on my Radha-Govinda murtis), meditating on the qualities and pastimes of Krsna, and climbing the ladder to bhava and prema. These things are beyond my scope. I regularly keep up my basic routine. It disappoints me, and I sometimes give a negative impression of my japa sessions. I should be thankful that I’m keeping the basic routine and at the same time yearning and striving for inoffensive chanting. On some days, I fall below even the basic duties, and that’s when it gets worse. But more or less, I keep to the standard I have achieved.
*****
He does his daily sadhana and laments he
doesn’t go higher. What do you expect,
little sailor-to achieve the saksad
darsana of the Lord? To converse with
Him like Sanatana Gosvami and
Madana-mohan?
******
To immerse yourself in His wonderful
qualities and His pastimes with the
gopis? Well, why not? That’s the goal
of the chanting. Ah, but He has to allow you in
those sacred precincts, and He
doesn’t think you’re worthy just
yet. Chant with enthusiasm,
confidence, and patience at the
lower stage and pray that the day
will come.
******
How do I get to know You by chanting? You are nondifferent from Your Names; You are present in the sound vibration. So the more I chant with the desire to be with You, the closer I will come into Your association, and You will reveal Yourself to me. It is a little bewildering how just by uttering these brief syllables we can accomplish what even great, austere yogis and meditators cannot attain, but that is the prime benediction for this age as given by Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu. He came to deliver the chanting of Hare Krsna imbued with the sentiment of pure love for You, as carried in Her heart by Your chief consort, Srimati Radharani.
******
Someone once asked Prabhupada, “What do you gain by chanting?” He replied, “chanting brings chanting.” That’s like saying chanting brings Radha-Krsna. They will dance on your tongue. Hari-nama will cleanse the mirror of the mind, and you will see yourself as you are, as spirit soul. The chanting will increase the ocean of transcendental bliss and help us to taste the nectar for which we are always anxious.
******
My dear Lord, If we want to chant with more devotion, we have to rise early and exercise with concentration in japa yajna. The daily japa yajna is a relatively easy thing. It only takes about two hours, and we can surely find that much time out of twenty-four hours. If we can chant more than the minimum of sixteen rounds, that is good. But let’s start with sixteen good ones, offenseless chanting. That means chanting while avoiding the ten offenses, which start with disobeying the spiritual master and include inattention while chanting. Then we will receive the mercy. If we don’t make the effort, it’s like we’re hiding from the sun’s rays. What can the sun do for us if we don’t go out and expose ourselves? If we hide from its rays, we will grow pale and unhealthy. We need a little sunlight. Similarly, we need to bask in Your mercy.
******
Bhaktivinoda Thakura has written a book on chanting the holy names, Hari-nama-cintamani, and he analyzes the causes of the offenses and offers suggestions on how to avoid them. His analysis of inattentive chanting is particularly interesting. He calls it pramada, or madness, and says, “One may carefully avoid all the other nama-aparadhas yet still not experience the ecstasy of the pure name. This is an indication of another type of nama-aparadha known as pramada, which restricts the natural growth of pure devotion.” He says that inattentiveness is similar to negligence and is of three kinds. One is apathetic devotional service, or a lack of fixed resolve in sadhana. The second is laziness or even inertia. The third is distraction, or misplacing one’s attention in engagments not directly connected with sadhana bhakti. He recommends chanting with a pure devotee and increasing the number of rounds. But he also says it is important to concentrate on the quality of the holy names and not try to artificially increase the number of rounds. He also recommends spending “a little time alone in a quiet place and concentrating deeply on the holy name.”
******
I have read Hari-nama-cintamani several times and have tried to take its suggestions to heart. But Bhaktivinoda Thakura states that it is impossible to achieve pure chanting by our own endeavor. Your mercy is required. That means I have to beg for Your mercy as I chant. “Dear Radha, dear Krsna, please engage me in Your service.”
******
Japa is a crying out for Your mercy. If we cannot cry, then we should cry that we cannot cry. I know that improving my japa is very important, and that it is only apparently an easy task; it requires great concentration. Please help me. Let my mind not wander or become apathetic. Let me come to the stage where I can serve Nama Prabhu with a humble heart, realizing that the holy names are my only shelter and my only true happiness.
******
My dear Lord, again I pray with a wish to know You better. As I know You more, I will love You more and serve You more. The ways to know You are standard, as given in sadhana-bhakti by You and the acaryas in Your disciplic succession. I just have to follow them sincerely and seriously.
******
“O Holy Name! The tips of the toes of Your lotus feet are eternally worshiped by the glowing effulgence radiating from the string of gems known as the Upanisads, the crest jewels of all the Vedas. You are eternally adored and chanted by great liberated souls such as Narada and Sukadeva. O hari-nama! Clearing myself of all offenses, I take complete shelter of You.”
******
Japa is a blessing. You bless yourself, as when taking caranamrta. It’s like when you take the flame which is offered by the pujari, or when he sprinkles you with water or offers you the flower to smell. It is like honoring prasadam, only it is better. It is directly Radha and Krsna. You are nourished by your tongue and your ears. Japa is even more merciful than the saksad darsana of the Lord’s form.
pp. 307-9
Please don’t take this little life’s description of a Sunday afternoon as not connected to the Srimad-Bhagavatam writing. I certainly can’t see it as not connected because unless I overcame this block, I would not have been able to write another line. This is a description of how I overcame it, how it happened.
There’s a statement in the Bhagavad-gita that as kings such as Janaka and others worked for Krsna in the past, so we should also work for Krsna. Then there’s that verse,
“Being uflly absorbed in Me and taking refuge in Me, many, many persons in the past became purified by knowledge of Me—and thus they all attained transcendental love for Me.” (Bg. 4.10)
This was the system in the past and it is the system now, here where I am in India in 1996 (the Centennial year). It is the ancient, excellent system of bhakti-yoga.
Prabhupada says that the old towns mentioned in the Caitanya-caritamrta narrative are still in Bengal, but even if they are gone, the spirit remains. We don’t die, but we have the same problems of birth and death that people have experienced from time immemorial. The sages have chalked out the path: serve the ever-fresh Lord Krsna.
Alas, my gayatris go by too quickly and I can’t get them back. Is it that I think my time is better spent in writing?
Little mosquitoes, ants in puddle of honey on gold-plated platter.
I want to make sense, but I can’t always lead the readers forward by providing all the context.
Bridge to Krsna consciousness. Lekhasravanti dasi shook hands with Bill Clinton. Now that’s a coup and worth printing. Her daddy’s horse smile. The President’s coiffure. Her son, Prahlada. The joke’s on the President. Did he know he was shakin’ hands with a Hare Krsna? Poor guy.
Clinton and Lakshman here in India, one so famous and mighty and one a servant. He calls me “Guru Maharaja” because his boss does, as if that’s my name. No sense trying to stop it.
What does the Bhagavatam say? I don’t care what your hand says, or pen or mind or your aunt Rachel. What does the Bhagavatam say? It says that sages of long ago took the light and rendered service to God. (Got bit on the jaw by a mosquito. It’s quiet outside.) It says real religion means bhakti taught by Krsna. It says look at me and try to understand. Grasp the clear meaning. Look again, drink again, bhagavantam adhoksajam. We can always find something new in a verse. Don’t say, “This verse is nectar but that one is not as good.” The sages worship Krsna to become free of material nature.
But how do you know there is God?
Because the Srimad-Bhagavatam assures us.
But isn’t that just an old book of stories?
No, it’s sastra. It’s the book of authority. Srila Prabhupada said, “At least we have a book.” Srimad-Bhagavatam is solid authority, at least among those who cherish it and who are learned in spiritual science. It is self-effulgent, describes the highest nature of religion as love of God. Are we so dull that we can’t appreciate its standard?
So it goes, me and theatheist, like two guys at a sidewalk café in Paris arguing over whether or not God exists.
Meanwhile the mahajanas serve. In ISKCON temples, they just had afternoon arati and will soon hold an evening one. This cowpoke will go to bed.
Hand, I salute thee. Any last messages? No.
pp. 87-91
In a First Canto purport, Srila Prabhupada states that there are many realistic obstacles on the path of devotional service, but by the grace of guru and Krsna one can overcome them. What impressed me when I first read this was that Srila Prabhupada and the Vedic sages are aware that we are faced with many problems when we try to take up the life of Krsna consciousness. Sometimes we may think of sages as speaking in an idealistic way about complete renunciation of the world and the attainment of 100% pure devotion to the Lord. We wonder if they know what it is actually like for us to attempt this. It gave me solace to know that they are fully aware of our realistic problems. And we also must be aware of the problems, in order to solve them.
In the present age (Kali-yuga), the problems of life are worse than ever. As stated in Srimad-Bhagavatam, “In this iron age of Kali men have but short lives. They are quarrelsome, lazy, mis-guided, unlucky, and above all, always disturbed.” (Bhag. 1.1.10) In his purport Srila Prabhupada states, “The atmosphere is surcharged with opposition.”
Of course, the obstacles in life are not created by the process of bhakti-yoga. Bhakti-yoga is meant to remove all problems, as stated in Srimad-Bhagavatam:
“The material miseries of the living entities, which are superfluous to him, can be directly mitigated by the linking process of devotional service.” (Bhag. 1.7.6)
Sometimes it occurs to a neophyte devotee that his life was more orderly before he took to Krsna consciousness, and so he thinks that devotional service is itself creating obstacles to his happiness. The fact is that material life produces the problems. If Krsna consciousness appears to make things worse, it is because we are stirring up the bad habits. If you leave your room dirty, it may seem undisturbed compared to when you sweep it and the dust rises, and everything gets moved around. But ultimately. you are healthier and happier by cleaning.
One time a devotee wrote Srila Prabhupada, “There are many obstacles on my path.” Prabhupada replied that he could remove all of those obstacles with one kick of his foot, but the real problem was that the disciple was not following the orders of the spiritual master. This statement gives us an indication of how the seemingly insurmountable problems can be resolved. As we study Srila Prabhupada’s instructions and share experiences of our struggles and successes, we can learn how to overcome the obstacles that realistically come to every devotional life.
In a general sense all the opposition we meet while performing devotional service is part of God’s covering potency, called mays. Maya has two potencies: one is the throwing potency (praksepamika), and she also has a covering potency (avaranatmika). When the jiva initially misuses its free will, it is thrown into maya. And even after we enter devotional service, maya continues to test us. Maya dictates, “Don’t go to that Krsna conscious temple.” When we do go and engage in Krsna consciousness, then maya says, “Why don’t you give up Krsna consciousness? It’s not making you happy.” When we try to think of Krsna, maya’s voice interferes. But for an advanced Krsna conscious person, maya is no longer an obstacle. Srila Prabhupada writes:
When a man becomes refreshed by association with devotees and awakens to Krsna consciousness, he consults the activities of his mind—namely thinking, feeling and willing—and decides whether he should return to his material activities or stay steady in spiritual consciousness. . . . The mind may suggest that by visaya-bhoga, or sense enjoyment, one can become happy, but when one becomes advanced in Krsna consciousness, he does not derive happiness from material activities. —Bhag. 4.26.14, purport
In this little book I have not attempted a comprehensive study of every obstacle that comes to a devotee. I’ve selected problems that are of concern to most devotees and which I can relate to by my own struggles. I hope the treatment will have a positive effect as we think about these problems, read what Prabhupada has said, and apply the remedies.
pp. 128-131
I say the predictable. When reading, I also feel, “Oh, here it is, the same thing I read not long ago”—where King Prataparudra inquired from Sarvabhauma about Lord Caitanya. Same old thing? I stop, sigh, pause, and then go forward with some effort—and awareness—that there is nectar here. I have to work at finding it. I certainly haven’t milked Prabhupada’s books dry.
“In this age of Kali there are no genuine religious principles other than those established by Vaisnava devotees and Vaisnava scriptures. This is the sum and substance of everything.
“The pastimes of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu are just like an unfathomable ocean. It is not possible for me to enter into them. Simply standing on the shore, I am but touching the water.
“The more one hears the pastimes of Sri Caitanya Malta-prabhu with faith, analytically studying them, the more one attains the ecstatic riches of love of Godhead.” (Cc. Madhya 9.362-64)
I complain, I read in cycles, I rejoice, I repeat, I do the loop-de-loop and pass through familiar country. It’s my poverty, but also my richness.
It’s like where I’m living nowadays. I’m not traveling, so every day I see the same shed, the same path, wet leaves, lake, and island. I don’t grow tired of the view—especially at dawn—or the seasons (spring and early summer are especially nice). I know I can’t live here forever, so whatever I see and repeat has to become an act of devotion. Whatever I read, familiar as it seems, also has to become an act of devotion because I won’t be here forever. The reading experience can be transformed from restlessness to love of Krsna by such an attempt.
Srila Prabhupada:
“So this is all dream. . . . because this body is false, so whatever we are acting, it is just like dream. Just like in dream at night we also work. So this is gross dream and that is subtle dream. But real life is spiritual life.” (Lecture by Srila Prabhupada, Bhag. 1.5.23, August 4, 1974)
Krsna is part of my life. I usually don’t admit that. I say He’s my whole life, twenty-four hours a day—anyabhilasita-sunyam. The fact is, however, that I have other interests. I take a break, a holiday from Krsna consciousness. It sounds awful, but maybe it does me good—I need it. My vacation doesn’t include stopping my sixteen rounds or breaking the regulative principles. It’s more like sleeping, eating, dreaming . . . In the dreams, the fact that my devotee identity is often vague and the actions mostly not spiritual—doesn’t that say something about my stage of devotion? I could try to deny it, but it’s true.
They say the body doesn’t lie. My body is not always interested in Krsna conscious pursuits. That’s because “I’m not this body”—that truth—is still theoretical to me. I feel hurt when my body is hurt. I’m not detached.
Wise guy, you should be
booted in the ass. Don’t you know you
can even get booted out of Krsna consciousness and
into Army boot camp next life?
Then you’ll be sorry!
The sunrise: butter gold melting blaze. Jewel hot spiky rays. Shimmery melted. Searchlight by day. Fire in sky. Coming through the trees, essential life-giving light. Light of Brahman. The aura of denizens of sun planet. Surya’s chariot.
Let yourself write. The topic is God. He is all things. Don’t let non-God conscious people speak to your heart even if they seem to have valuable information. Turn to your old best. Walk your way and pray to God in Hare Krsna mantras.
Before day closes out with headache, get in a shed session.
Walk on earth and chant.
Another happy day in life,
take to it brother, read some Cc. or
Bhagavad-gita—He’s the sound in ether
you can breathe or not be able to breathe—
due to some mercy of God, Krsna.
While you breathe and move
your hand and see—blessed
gift—praise Him who knows
all, creates all, sustains all and destroys.
Praise your best friend.
O spiritual master, through you
I reach Krsna and Krsna
reaches me. Kindly give
me intelligence to serve you.
You are great and kind
to come to us and to
stay with us. You provide
the boat that carries us
across.
Yes, it’s good to praise instead
of always facing my own
faults and failures. Give the
reader (and writer) relief.
By reading Caitanya-caritamrta,
I see Lord Nityananda throw the
broken danda in the
Bharginadi River.
Now the Lord moves to
Nilacala—He’s six miles away
but every mile seems like eternity
in His yearning for Lord
Jagannatha, whom He sees
as Krsna carrying the flute.
Move on that road,
spirit soul in
the wake of Lord Caitanya.
pp. 128-31
Get it together, man. Know what these timed books are about. I remember getting warmed up and happy while in Guyana, about the timed book. I would begin in Ireland. It was The Best I Could Do. Where is it now? Sunk in the sand? Will it ever be published? Those are not my main concerns, as strange as it may sound. If I did write honestly then it will come out in one way or another. It was not all that I hoped it would be. I lacked a central theme. So, now you have a book that proceeds with structure, A Poor Man Reads the Bhagavatam. At the same time, I have little books like this one. It is more a match. I mean it is for the Boy Scout drive, the Girl Scout cookie drive. Come to your door and ask, “Do you have an old newspapers for the Salvation Army?” Do you have any…old timed books?
This is the latest news. We are puffed up about the way we write. We can’t stand to hear the so-called truth from a critic who says it is no good and should be rewritten. We don’t have to hear it from him. We will get disciplined in another way. Make sure you write down the holy words such as Krsna and Caitanya, and they should appear enough times. Then it is acceptable writing. That’s the criteria of Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati. He could print articles as long as the holy words appeared frequently. Then it would be revolutionary. Srila Prabhupada speaks of this humbly, saying that he is not a great scholar or Sanskritist and there may be mistakes, “but we are trying,” and professors and librarians like the books. His own disciples distributed them mightily. Prabhupada inspired us to do that, his books made us devotees, therefore they are potent.
It creates a revolution. The materialists want to become devotees of Krsna.
Wrote this morning, serious on the theme of Vyasa inquiring about his spiritual master. I said in the free section of Poor Man I don’t have to cavort and do automatic writing and stray off the subject. I may continue to write seriously the whole time. Wonder why that occurred to me only after 1,005 pages. It may be that I am allowing myself to let off steam separately. This is the kind of writing we are considering Upstate.
There are some words that cannot be translated like keli, kincit or rasa. You have to go by what you learn in the Krsna conscious class, Hare Krsna, Hare Krsna. I should use the holy words frequently and then my book will be valid. If Krsna is pleased you are saved. If Krsna’s not pleased – but even if He is not pleased and yet He takes the time to kick you, that is a blessing too. But I don’t want to be kicked. I want the guru to be pleased with me and Krsna to reveal a tiny drop of the sweetness of the holy name. Not always forever dry chanting. I can’t control the mind but He can bless me if He wants and then I can control it. Go walk now and look for clarity and enter it and speak.
One maxim for writing practice is that you should go ahead and write what you’re afraid to say. It won’t kill you. Yesterday I was talking with M., making comments on my letters from Srila Prabhupada and I was talking in some pretty safe area about how householders who don’t live in the temples are still part of the Krsna consciousness movement. They’re not under the control of the temple president, and their service may not be dictated to them in that way, or how they spend their money. But still, they can surrender to Krsna and Prabhupada. Madhu remarked that when you give this example you always speak of the grhastha but what about a sannyasi or vanaprastha? Is it possible that they could also do their service and live outside the temple? Here he was starting to get on sensitive ground. I said I sure hope that it’s true that they can make a contribution while not living in the temple. I started to sketch a theoretical example of a person who was renounced enough not to be married but for one reason or another did not want to live in a temple, or could not live in a temple. Aside from theoretical models, what’s my position?
pp. 187-89
Nimai was just finishing his last round of japa before going up for a scheduled meeting with Chota dasa. Even while chanting the holy names his mind had raced ahead, preparing for what he would speak this morning. He decided to instruct Chota on the importance of attentive chanting. He would admit, “I am preaching to you, but I am also preaching to myself.”
Nimai liked to keep his relationship with Chota open and honest. Their friendship continued to amaze him. He’d never heard, even in scripture, of an ordinary brahmacari conversing with a subhuman creature and instructing him in Krsna consciousness. “Why has Krsna arranged it so this has happened to me?” Nimai thought. And sometimes he wondered if it was really very significant. Many devotees were meeting hundreds of humans every day. Although some of the humans were like animals, it was much more significant to preach to the humans. What about the injunction to “Tell everyone you meet about Krsna”—did that include subhumans? When Nimai thought like this, it bewildered and discouraged him, so he usually put it aside. “Even if what I am doing is not so significant,” Nimai thought, “still it’s the preaching field assigned to me.”
With a humble sense of his mission, Nimai climbed the stairs to the attic, rehearsing in his mind the lecture that he would deliver in a moment. But his heart leaped a moment later when Butch, the temple cat, suddenly brushed past and streaked upstairs into the attic.
Nimai was only a few seconds behind the cat, but it was too late. Chota had come out from hiding on hearing the sounds of Nimai’s approach, and no sooner did the white tomcat rush into the room than he saw the mouse and pounced upon it. Nimai saw his beloved friend clawed and then popped into the mouth of the cat. Nimai shouted and kicked the cat, knocking him against the wall and dislodging the mouse. Butch raised his back and snarled as if to attack Nimai, who then kicked the cat like a football across the room. With an agonized glance towards
Chota, Nimai saw that he was dead.
As the brahmacaris were running up the stairs, the tomcat shrieked and streaked past them. Bhima and several teenage boys entered the room where Nimai was sobbing. Tears streamed from his eyes as he knelt holding the body of the mouse.
“The cat got the mouse!” said one of the boys.
“Nimai’s pet mouse!”
“Get out of here!” Nimai yelled.
“Take it easy,” said Bhima.
“Why did you kick Butch?” The teenager, who used to be called Krsna dasa but who was now known as Carl, gave Nimai a shove. “Hey Nimai, why did you hit Butch?”
With blind grief Nimai put the mouse aside and jumped to attack Carl. The two of them locked into wrestling grips and fell to the floor punching. Carl got in a good sock at Nimai’s eye before more men arrived, including Vibhu dasa, who separated Nimai and Carl. Vibhu demanded an explanation, but Nimai picked up the body of Chota and pushed past the others out of the room. He was sobbing like one whose best friend has just died.
Gurudeva was reading Srimad-Bhagavatam when the phone rang. It was Vibhu dasa.
“Nimai is on his way down to your cabin,” said Vibhu. “He just created a big scene in the temple—kicked the cat and had a fight with Carl. He’s bawling and won’t listen to anyone but you. So you have to talk to him right now.”
“All right,” said Gurudeva. “Is there any more background you can give me?”
“That’s all I know.” said Vibhu. “I think Nimai is not fit to live in the temple. If you want him to stay, you can take responsibility for him. I mean, he is your disciple.”
Gurudeva saw Nimai dasa coming down the road, sobbing like a baby. He was carrying a small box. Gurudeva opened the door to receive him.
“Come on, Nimai. Sit down. Tell me what’s the matter.” Gurudeva took his usual position facing Nimai and slid the box of Kleenex tissues towards his tearful disciple. Nimai opened the box he was carrying and placed it on Gurudeva’s desk. It contained the body of the mouse lying on its back, its four feet pointing upwards. Gurudeva was not fond of mice, but this was not the time to object to the presence of the corpse. He decided to honor Nimai’s grief and try to give him solace, just as he would to anyone suffering from the death of a loved one.
“What happened?” asked Gurudeva.
Nimai bawled, “This is the mouse I told you about. He was called Chota. He talked to me for three months. I taught him Krsna consciousness. He is a spirit soul as good as me, as good as the other devotees. Better! He was more submissive. No one understands!” Gurudeva coaxed his disciple to take a Kleenex. Nimai blew his nose and wiped profuse tears.
Gurudeva came down from his cushion and sat beside Nimai. He put his arm around him and gradually calmed him.
“I understand,” said Gurudeva. “At least I want to understand. I know that you have loved this creature. And from what you told me, you have been feeding it prasadam and chanting Hare Krsna to it. I respect that. A devotee is supposed to honor all creatures.”
pp. 60-70
Devotees were putting on an elaborate drama
of Prabhupada, and he was asking one of his
disciples to marry a tree:
It was supposed to be a symbol
of renunciation.
The audience liked it
but I said it wasn’t Prabhupada’s mood.
—8 January 1988
“I have seen my face being praised
but I can tell you it is a little bit of hell
because (whispering now) there is no chance
that death will not take you,
but actually we are all spirit soul,
all over. . . .”
Then a man in the audience shouted,
“All over!”
This was a speech by Frank Sinatra
before a big stadium full of people
just before a sport event.
At first when he spoke
he was incoherent.
It seemed all vanity:
Why the old man in tuxedo would attempt
to sing or speak?
But finally he was able to say
the words I quoted above,
which were appreciated as eloquent.
And yet it was still
very much a performance. . . .
—3 February 1988
I went on a roof
where Srila Prabhupada was.
He said I should first take time
to chant my rounds
and then do some personal service for him.
—3 March 1988
He came to me
muscular and powerful
with his fist
ready to beat me
for what I have done.
But when I said,
“You are not this body!”
he stopped and listened.
I tried to say further,
“You are eternal spirit soul,”
but I had exhaled
my last puff of breath—
I couldn’t speak more.
Father, forgive me:
I know you are angry
and I am sorry
that I was not strong enough
to breathe into you the life
of Krsna consciousness.
Father in white fire-captain’s uniform
is going door-to-door
in an R.V. camp,
Thanksgiving morning.
He tells me that at one door he heard
a bird peep inside, and he told
the people, “Thanksgiving is for growth.”
Father seemed eager
to please devotees, and he was going
door-to-door, like a preacher.
I was going downstairs
in an apartment building
and I found myself locked
in a room with no exit.
Sonieone came to the small window
and said I couldn’t get out.
Other people were in the room.
I started singing the maha-mantra,
and they joined me.
Most of them sang in a frivolous way,
but they all chanted!
Much later, a sophisticated man
came and let me out
of the locked room.
“Why,” I asked,
“was I locked in like that?”
He said, “You were chanting?” as if to say, “Why regret it?”
I admitted the chanting
had been very good.
Then we were on a bus.
“Here are some of the people
who were locked in with you.”
I looked at them,
and they smiled back briefly.
A swami Godbrother said,
“SDG tries to be very humble
and when people don’t accept that
he is a guru, then he gives up
and creates a pipe dream
in which he fancies that his pipe dream—
rather than the real work of association—
will solve all the problems of ISKCON.”
—17 December 1987
B. had taken up following
a different guru
and he came to see me,
demonstrating some of the different practices
he had now adopted.
One new practice was to make horizontal marks
with chalk across the wall.
He was insisting
that these things were bona fide.
—24 December 1987
Srila Prabhupada was playing a drum.
Then he jumped up and pushed a lectern
to the center of the room so we could
follow him and dance around it
(as we used to with Prabhupada in the old days).
One devotee tried to help but didn’t know
what Prabhupada wanted.
I helped,
and Prabhupada recognized
that I knew what he wanted.
He was thin and sprightly and old.
I began crying with love,
but I was also sorry
that I had turned out to be
a very different person
since the time I had seen him long ago.
Now I was more myself, but
very different from Sri1a Prabhupada.
But even while dreaming I felt triumph,
“I’m having a dream of Prabhupada
with strong feeling,
and he is present in a meaningful way!”
—4 January 1988
A Krsna temple
was being destroyed
by a gang from outside
by shooting it with high-powered streams of water
until the building became completely soaked
and crumpled into pieces.
The police were afraid to come,
so we faced our fate inside.
“This will prove,” I thought,
“that even after the temple is destroyed,
we will go on
preaching and chanting Hare Krsna.”
I was a powerful magician
who could escape any danger,
like the man Srila Prabhupada saw
at a Calcutta circus, who came out
of a locked box, or Trilinga Swami
who escaped naked from prison
by becoming small.
When I woke I understood
my powers came from Krsna
but I had tried to use them to save myself.
I prayed:
“My dear Lord Krsna,
please reciprocate with me.
Please help me to know
I always depend on You.
Please appear in Your name.
Please have mercy on this rascal.”
And I felt that Krsna said to me,
“If I reveal Myself to you
will you misuse it and be proud
of your so-called prowess?
In your dream,
you were a magician
who could do as he liked,
but you didn’t think of Me.”
—August 1988
pp. 13-19
“I discussed the contents of your letter with His Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada. Srila Prabhupada stated that our grhasthas should simply chant fifty rounds before conceiving a child. Prabhupada said,
“We do not want all these rituals. Chanting Hare Krsna is our only business. According to the Manu-samhita you are all mlecchas and yavanas. You cannot touch the Manu-samhita, what to speak of translating it. So if you try to follow the Manu-samhita then you will become a mleccha and yavana, and your career is finished.’”
—Letter of May 19, 1977
“I understand you are now expecting a nice child for raising in Krsna consciousness. In this connection you should avoid any spicy foods, so long the child is within the womb. So far natural childbirth is concerned, natural delivery is possible if we keep ourselves naturally. And so far I know, a pregnant woman should not even eat pungent foodstuffs, she should not move in cars, she should not sit idly. She should move and do some physical work. These are the general rules and regulations I have seen in India. They have natural delivery. But so far your country is concerned, especially the situation of women there, that is a different thing. I cannot say definitely what is to be done. And under the circumstances, the best thing is to consult a doctor as they usually do. And after all, Krsna is the ultimate Master, so if you keep the natural habits and depend on Krsna, then everything will be done nicely without any difficulty.”
—Letter of March 24, 1969
“You ask if the children should be taken to ordinary medical doctors. Why not? Of course, we can’t always trust that these doctors may be doing the right thing, but what can be done? The governing principle for our activity should be to do what is favorable for pleasing Krsna. So if your child requires medical attention to be fit for serving Krsna, then it is only practical she should get it. The same thing—the government is giving you money, why not use it for Krsna? The only thing comma you must avoid cheating them while falsely claiming something to get money. Then we are risking our very high reputation as pious people. But if they are willing to give us money and food, then of course we should accept.”
—Letter of November 27, 1971
“Regarding the child problem: [in class] I may inform you that our children born of Krsna conscious parents are all welcome, and Krsna conscious parents are all welcome, and I want hundreds of children like that, because in the future we expect to change the face of the whole world, because the child is the father of the man. Anyway, I have seen M. is nursing her child so nicely that she attended my meeting every day, and the child was playing not crying. Similarly L.’s child also never cries or disturbs the meeting. L. was always present with her child, so it depends on the mother. How to keep the child comfortable, so that he will not cry. The child cries only when it feels uncomfortable. The child’s comfort and discomfort depends on the mother’s attention. So the best solution is we train all our small babies in such a way that they are always satisfied, and there will be no disturbance in the meeting. Then there will be no complaint. But there cannot be any hard and fast rules that only children who are grown up, seven or eight years old, can be admitted and no other children can be admitted. That is not possible, and I am not going to sanction any such rule. Rather, I shall welcome the baby from the very beginning, so that the transcendental vibration may enter into its ear, and from the very beginning of its life, it becomes purified. But of course children cannot be allowed to disturb in the meeting by crying, and it is the mother’s responsibility to keep them comfortable and not disturb the meeting.
—Letter of August 26, 1968
“Why should the parents not feel attachment for their children, that is natural. But our affection is not simply sentimental, we offer our children the highest opportunity to become trained up in Krsna consciousness very early so as to assure their success in this life to go back to Godhead for sure. That is real affection, to make sure my child gets back to Godhead, that is my real responsibility as a parent. And I have seen that gurukula offers this opportunity more than any other place anywhere. So I think that you are an intelligent girl, and you can explain it to the others in this way.”
—Letter of March 23, 1973
pp. 190-92
By smiling involuntarily I mean the best kind of smiles, when you can’t help yourself but feel your lips parting back from your teeth, and there you are, smiling. Perhaps you even make an effort not to smile, but you have to smile anyway. It was very pleasing to see Prabhupada smile like that, because it was so humanlike. Somehow or other, we all hankered to see those aspects of Prabhupada. He was godlike; he was heavy as guru. If he had not been so heavy, he would not have been able to take us out of maya. But we all sought his smile as a special kind of lift; and also for tenderness’ sake, we very much wanted to see Srila Prabhupada smile. Perhaps that is one reason why I so much like the early days with him, because there was so much of it.
Last night I thought of two occasions in which I saw Prabhupada smile “involuntarily.” One was when he was answering mail in his room in Hawaii, and one was when he was sitting in his garden in Los Angeles talking with devotees.
As Prabhupada’s traveling secretary, I was reading the mail out loud to him in Hawaii. One was a letter from Gopala Krsna in India. Gopala Krsna said that it was becoming difficult to deal with all Godbrothers, and that he had decided to resign as GBC man for India. He wrote that his Godbrothers even said that Prabhupada thought of him as a person who is useful only for going to see people in the Indian government. They did not think of him as a real devotee.
When he heard that some of the disciples said Gopala Krsna was only good for seeing government agents, Prabhupada smiled. It was not a smile for me to see, but his personal reflection, his thinking of that disciple. In this smile he seemed to assess and understand why the Godbrothers would say that about Gopala Krsna, and he shared the amusement. But Prabhupada’s smile also felt the hurt and identified with Gopala Krsna himself. Why should they minimize him in that way? Of course, I probably read some of these feelings of my own into Prabhupada’s smile. One cannot really read the mind of the pure devotee. I also thought that Prabhupada was thinking there was nothing wrong in using his disciple in that way, to see government men for Krsna’s service. But Prabhupada also smiled (I thought) because he saw that his disciple wanted to be recognized as a spiritual person, not just a messenger who could do worldly chores. The main thing about this smile was not the meaning but the magic of it. It was a private revelation.
A good comedian makes you smile. And to some degree, a comedian is usually a bit of a clown also, and so you laugh at something he is doing. It seemed that Prabhupada did not want to smile while hearing this unfortunate story, but it was being told so humorously—comic relief along with frightening descriptions—Prabhupada “had to” smile.
This incident also showed me that although Prabhupada was transcendental to happiness and distress, he was affected by the account that was being told. Prabhupada is fearless, and yet he fears for the devotees and for the Krsna consciousness movement. Therefore, although Prabhupada was not showing his emotions, he was no doubt feeling hurt by the story of innocent devotees being beaten. These emotions were being manifested by Prabhupada, but then suddenly, he smiled in response to the grotesque and humorous details of the narrator.
pp. 187-89
WRITING WON’T KILL YOU or despiritualize you. You simply need some good topics. Let us write to our heart’s content and chant much better. You just have to write of the brilliant white underclouds at 4:30 P.M. and remember the good side of your mother. The cameo of this child praying here on my desk, whom I brought from Ireland. Now you can expect “Dear John” letters, more from Ireland than anywhere else.
And the eagle soars to the top of the Douglas fir.
God is not a dot. Not a vast, indifferent universe, not a merging of selves, not a nada nada nada nada. God is the Supreme Person, and He expands into many parts and parts and plenary parts. His loving potency (hladini-shakti) is Srimati Radharani.
Pulling out all the stops. Shine all the stars. All the lotus petals. Nevermind one fellow who can’t make it. The tide flows anyway, despite his puny failure. You have compassion for the poor? So does She. Call on Her mercy for all errant souls.
Who is the good-looking man, and the beautiful young woman with Him?
Hare Krishna mantra has twice as many Radhas as Krishnas. Krishna has arranged it that way. You are capable of considering the quality of nama a little. Me? Me talk about Radha’s radiant face and limbs for plenty pages? What you know, what you’ve heard. I’m shy to go forward. Just repeat what Prabhupada said. And what he said of Krsna and what he said not to say. Oh, like he said some people are like the traumatized cow in the barn who saw fire and now is afraid of any red. She’s compared to sex mongers who’ve heard of Radha and Krishna pastimes and can only think of them as like their own sex exploits.
Such people should never go into the kunjas of Vraja as long as their hearts associate mundane sex with Radha and Krsna.
So write or die, have you fully explored that? What do you need to revisit? Or visit for the first time? Your relationship with your father? All Radha-Krishna pastimes in a new playette?
Sharon Olds in an interview: “I never create characters.” I rally to that statement by Sharon. I mostly assassinate any character that comes my way, including my own self, give him different names. It is a great achievement to make a Raskolnikov, a Micawber, a Holden Caulfield, a Dr. Zhivago, a King Lear, little Dorritt, etc.
Especially I don’t want to make Krsna a character or Radha a character, or Mother Yasoda, or Nanda, or Sridama, or Vrndavana or Yamuna. It can be done by great authors who make reference to the rasika sastras and who are themselves immersed in those shastras and have a vision of the Lord and His parisads. But I am too afraid to go there. I can occasionally pick a fruit of a Prabhupada saying or something straight from the Krsna Book, spoken in my own hoarse voice. But not a character of my own creation.
So now that you have proven writing doesn’t kill you and that you are a writer, what have you to say? You know, you must have a plot in your hand, and if not characters, then some kind of development from beginning to middle to end. There’s no way to escape that. You are now at about the one-third point in this book. You must have a subject matter, and so far it has been to prove that writing will not kill you. Now let’s explore what it is you would like to say, given that writing is nonpoisonous, ahimsa, and good for the soul.
I don’t know if you find this
usable, Mr. Publisher, Mr. Reader,
but I wrote it just before supper.
I am not a holy monk from Salamanca.
But I have pure, pure roots
replanted at age 26
at 26 Second Ave. by His Divine Grace
Prabhupada. He gave me
the name Satsvarupa dasa, and I had to
turn in Stephen T. A good
deal. Smoke gets in your
eyes at the yajna in his apartment.
I dove deep at his feet
saying “bhakti,” they had to rescue me.
That is not a made-up story,
truly happened with big red
beads. It’s been a long road
and I’m not so happy about
where I’ve sunk to now. Need to
pull up by my bootstraps.
Gray hairs, beard, doesn’t
wear sannyasa rags, polite and write
talk about the weather,
grab still for his feet,
the show ain’t over
Mickey Mouse, you’re squiggly still alive.
To Śrīla Prabhupāda, who encouraged his devotees (including me) To write articles and books about Kṛṣṇa Consciousness.
I wrote him personally and asked if it was alright for his disciples to write books, Since he, our spiritual master, was already doing that. He wrote back and said that it was certainly alright For us to produce books.
I have a personal story to tell. It is a about a time (January–July 1974) I spent as a personal servant and secretary of my spiritual master, His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupäda, founder-äcärya of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness. Although I have written extensively about Çréla Prabhupäda, I’ve hesitated to give this account, for fear it would expose me as a poor disciple. But now I’m going ahead, confident that the truth will purify both my readers and myself.
First published by The Gītā-nāgarī Press/GN Press in serialized form in the magazine Among Friends between 1996 and 2001, Best Use of a Bad Bargain is collected here for the first time in this new edition. This volume also contains essays written by Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami for the occasional periodical, Hope This Meets You in Good Health, between 1994 and 2002, published by the ISKCON Health and Welfare Ministry.
This book has two purposes: to arouse our transcendental feelings of separation from a great personality, Śrīla Prabhupāda, and to encourage all sincere seekers of the Absolute Truth to go forward like an army under the banner of His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupāda and the Kṛṣṇa consciousness movement.
A single volume collection of the Nimai novels.
Śrīla Prabhupāda was in the disciplic succession from the Brahmā-Mādhva-Gauḍīya sampradāya, the Vaiṣṇavas who advocate pure devotion to God and who understand Kṛṣṇa as the Supreme Personality of Godhead. He always described himself as simply a messenger who carried the paramparā teachings of his spiritual master and Lord Kṛṣṇa.
Dear Srila Prabhupada,
Please accept this or it’s worse than useless.
You have given me spiritual life
and so my time is yours.
You want me to be happy in Krishna consciousness
You want me to spread Krishna consciousness,
This collection of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s writings is comprised of essays that were originally published in Back to Godhead magazine between 1966 and 1978, and compiled in 1979 by Gita Nagari Press as the volume A Handbook for Kṛṣṇa Consciousness.
This second volume of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s Back to Godhead essays encompasses the last 11 years of his 20-year tenure as Editor-in-Chief of Back to Godhead magazine. The essays in this book consist mostly of SDG’s ‘Notes from the Editor’ column, which was typically featured towards the end of each issue starting in 1978 and running until Mahārāja retired from his duties as editor in 1989.
This collection of Satsvarupa dasa Goswami’s writings is comprised of essays that were originally published in Back to Godhead magazine between 1991 and 2002, picking up where Volume 2 leaves off. The volume is supplemented by essays about devotional service from issues of Satsvarupa dasa Goswami’s magazine, Among Friends, published in the 1990s.
“This is a different kind of book, written in my old age, observing Kṛṣṇa consciousness and assessing myself. I believe it fits under the category of ‘Literature in pursuance of the Vedic version.’ It is autobiography, from a Western-raised man, who has been transformed into a devotee of Kṛṣṇa by Śrīla Prabhupāda.”
The Best I Could DoI want to study this evolution of my art, my writing. I want to see what changed from the book In Search of the Grand Metaphor to the next book, The Last Days of the Year.
a Hare Krishna ManIt’s world enlightenment day
And devotees are giving out books
By milk of kindness, read one page
And your life can become perfect.
Calling Out to Srila Prabhupada: Poems and PrayersO Prabhupāda, whose purports are wonderfully clear, having been gathered from what was taught by the previous ācāryas and made all new; O Prabhupāda, who is always sober to expose the material illusion and blissful in knowledge of Kṛṣṇa, may we carefully read your Bhaktivedanta purports.
I use free-writing in my devotional service as part of my sādhana. It is a way for me to enter those realms of myself where only honesty matters; free-writing enables me to reach deeper levels of realization by my repeated attempt to “tell the truth quickly.” Free-writing takes me past polished prose. It takes me past literary effect. It takes me past the need to present something and allows me to just get down and say it. From the viewpoint of a writer, this dropping of all pretense is desirable.
Geaglum Free WriteThis edition of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s 1996 timed book, Geaglum Free Write Diary, is published as part of a legacy project to restore Satsvarūpa Mahārāja’s writings to ‘in print’ status and make them globally available for current and future readers.