Satsvarupa Maharaja’s health report is very similar to last week. He had very irregular sleep patterns and quite a few headaches, including three migraines. We have reached the maximum recommended number of times you can use the migraine medicine, which will hopefully can continue to work until the medicine titration has time to work.
There are definite improvements on the cognitive front since cutting down on some of the meds, and a definite increase in writing. You’ll see the results at the summer book festival in July.
An extra stressor for the week concerned the van owned by Satsvarupa Maharaja, which slid off the road into a metal guardrail during a freak April snowstorm. He was not in it and no one was hurt, but the van itself was totaled.
That’s all.
Hare Krishna,
Baladeva
If you would like to help, please contact Kṛṣṇa-bhajana dāsa at [email protected] or [email protected] and we will find you a service that utilizes your talents.
Now I find myself swaying toward not increasing my japa but increasing my writing, so I talk to myself as an old friend. This has relevance to my decision about whether or not to increase my japa quota. Maybe I should take the same approach. Rather than making a bold announcement and forced start—thirty-two rounds to start on such and such a day, with such and such a book to keep me company—it’s probably better to keep in mind that hari-nama is the only way and an increased quota may help (although whenever I try it, it usually returns to the same state later).
******
I suspect that writing another book like Begging for the Nectar of the Holy Name would start to feel too structured for who I am right now. Is that because I’m living too much in ease these days? Would a japa-vrata tighten me up? Directed writing might work in the same way. If I’m not on book distribution, at least be chanting. “Then if anyone reads this diary, they will see I’m a serious devotee.
O pretense, begone.
At the same time,
improve your chanting
if you can.
******
O Radha, O Krsna,
outsiders cannot understand You. They think God is Christ or Christ’s impersonal Father or who knows what. They see
You only as a statue or cultural expression of God. I enter
the sacred circle.
O master, Srila Prabhupada, you are my household deity.
My sentimental song becomes purified
when I sing it for you. Please rest warmly and rise as you like
to write with Dictaphone your Srimad-Bhagavatam.
Then kindly chant japa
with me.
Lord of all, in my heart,
please grant me better chanting.
******
Thinking about my health and my resolve to increase my japa quota. I hope the increased japa will fill up a feeling I have of “something missing.” At the same time, the, increased endeavor will bring the risk of more headaches. Samika Rsi dasa wrote and suggested I follow these steps in dealing with my chronic illness: “Please take more slow, natural, positive steps when you take on any stressful situation. Do only what you feel you can handle in a relaxed way. Keep a positive attitude. If it still bothers you, step back and try some other time.”
******
Dark, I sit facing the window with the curtain open and see the full moon rising over the trees on his Rath. My headache is clearing. Celebrate with japa.
******
O Krsna, I want to chant better japa today now that I’m not in pain. But I know
the mind won’t listen
to the syllables of the mantra
and I can’t drive hard and fast.
******
Nama ruci, vaisnava seva jiva daya—Lord Caitanya taught these three principles. One Godbrother told me that when people in ISKCON talk about drafting a mission statement, he thinks of these three principles. He also said he thought I was doing good service in these areas.
******
Taste for the name increasing, when will that day come? Service to disciples by writing books and traveling. Yes, I should extend myself a little further and go to Guyana, but I may not be able to go everywhere. That would be folly, especially not knowing what would happen with my health. I agreed we shouldn’t go to Puerto Rico because it would require another plane or two and a long ride up that winding hill and then later down it again. I just can’t do it, or I guess I can, but I’m holding back.
pp. 217-22
In 1953, Prabhupāda registered the League of Devotees in Lucknow. . . . In his prospectus for the League, Śrīla Prabhupāda outlined a schedule of attendance at ārati and kīrtana, regulative chanting of rounds on japa beads, strict adherence to cleanliness and the regulative principles, and regular study of the śāstra. There was provision made for the prasādam meals of the inner members and rules for dīkṣā. Scripture classes were held in the morning and the evening (Letter, 55-1).
Later, after coming to America, Prabhupāda began to assess whether a society of devotees would be possible in New York. He had plans but it required money and manpower to execute them. He also knew that occasional lectures were not enough. He needed a temple and residence for those who would come to join him.
Finally, Prabhupāda settled in at 26 Second Avenue and began holding his twice weekly classes and kīrtanas. Hippies and seekers began to attend and he began building a congregation, but he envisioned bigger things. As Mr. Ruben, a subway conductor who had met Prabhupāda on a Manhattan park bench in 1965, had noted: “He seemed to know that he would have temples filled up with devotees, ‘There are temples and books,’ he said. ‘They are existing, they are there, but the time is separating us from them’” (Śrīla Prabhupāda-līlāmṛta, vol.2, p. 133).
There are various purports where Prabhupāda states that it is not necessary to give up one’s separate residence to live in a temple. His mission was to engage everyone in the chanting of the holy name and the avoidance of sinful life. This would automatically lead to association within ISKCON. Devotees who were practicing spiritual life would naturally want to associate with like-minded people, and thus the subculture of devotees would spread throughout the mundane society. (There are different purports discussing this point. Among them is this one:
Without the association of devotees, one cannot advance in Kṛṣṇa consciousness. Therefore, we have established the International Society for Krishna Consciousness. Factually, whoever lives in this society automatically develops Kṛṣṇa consciousness” (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 4.12.37, purport).
In the Caitanya-caritāmṛta, Mādhya 4.79, Śrīla Prabhupāda writes, “The Kṛṣṇa conscious devotee must always desire to remain in the society of devotees…. They cannot go outside the Kṛṣṇa conscious society or the movement.” In another purport, Śrīla Prabhupāda writes:
This is the sublime mission of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness. Many people come and inquire whether they have to give up family life to join the society, but that is not our mission. One may remain comfortably in his residence. We simply request everyone to chant the mahā-mantra … (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 5.5.3, purport – Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 7.7.38)
ISKCON is an aspect of Prabhupāda’s work, yet it is different from his books in that Prabhupāda himself recognized imperfections in ISKCON. But there is a method of rectification, according to guru, śāstra and sādhu. Prabhupāda sometimes quoted, “England, with all thy faults I love thee.” He encouraged his disciples to remain loyally working to improve and purify the movement. He established a Governing Body Commission, composed of a group of his senior disciples whom he hoped would be able to cooperate together for preaching interests worldwide.
Śrīla Prabhupāda considered himself a member of ISKCON. He told his disciples, “Your love for me will be shown by how much you cooperate to keep this institution together after I am gone.” He also warned them not to allow ISKCON to dissolve or split apart as the Gauḍīya Maṭh had done after the disappearance of Śrīla Bhaktisiddhānta.
It seems that now, as ISKCON grows, we have to determine exactly what ISKCON is. Should ISKCON be redefined now that Prabhupāda has disappeared? Is the concept of a larger or greater ISKCON valid? Is there a larger ISKCON that does not negate ISKCON as a collection of temples governed by the GBC? Or are these two concepts in conflict?
The answer to these questions is really beyond the scope of this essay, but they are questions that all devotees must face, as economic necessity forces more and more devotees to work outside the institution of ISKCON. Śrīla Bhaktisiddhānta Sarasvatī Ṭhākura preferred his disciples to work cooperatively in his mission, and there is evidence that Śrīla Prabhupāda expected this of his disciples also. But what constitutes an acceptable contribution to the mission may vary according to the ability and sincerity of each individual devotee, whether inside or outside the temple. At least we all have to be faithful to Prabhupāda by following his main instructions of chanting sixteen rounds daily and following the regulative principles. We each have to take the responsibility for making Kṛṣṇa and guru the center of our lives. And it should be the responsibility of every Vaiṣṇava living in the temple to encourage any devotee living outside the temple in his or her Kṛṣṇa conscious activities (to the degree that they are Kṛṣṇa conscious). A devotee living outside should seek to be included and the devotees living in the temple should seek to include him.
pp. 52-59
This is going to be a long song so
hang on with me.
If I were a bell I’d ring on Christmas
and every time the pujari (me)
picked up the little bell to wake Govinda
first and then Radha.
Madhava’s five-year-old son
sleeps in the same room and
asks his dad every night about
Vrndavana. Madhava’s about drained
out. “Tell me more about the
monkeys.” He says these impressions
will last a long time.
Of course, the kid, Srivasa, will go there
and get his own impressions
maybe much different.
As for me, the debate is over
for now. I’m not going anywhere,
not even Baltinglass or Dublin
traffic jams. Just stay on this
“Govardhana.” The rest
is a risk. This is real.
I just sit and write here.
Fall asleep in a taxi on
the way there. Conk out
in the bed in your late
morning nap.
Will you stay with me for this one? I’ll tell you all the secrets and sins, but we wrote them in Italian, and the priest read only English. How he called Trane “verbosely inept.” Christ, what a fool! You have to appreciate these masters and not put them down.
They were going so fast I did appreciate it.
Next comes Nrsimhadeva in May
and then comes spring festival—she
says she goes to church with her husband
but feels left out, but when she
went to the Belfast mandira she
also felt alien, left
“out of the club.” I felt sorry
for both of them. First day I saw them
in Dublin, they were sisters, Mary and Emer,
about
eighteen years old, prettiest girls you’d
ever see and enamored with Krsna consciousness.
It seemed like such a great catch
for Prabhupada and me too
because they’d become my disciples.
But now they’ve gone, diaspora,
wish everyone well
on their path, right?
If I were a devotee strong,
I’d see people all day or read
books, finish them off
fast like Brhad-Bhagavatamrta,
and next week not just summarize it
but pull out some essences.
“That’s enough for me—I read
your Among Friends and have no time
for anything else you write.” Some day we’ll all
die,
and those records will be kept, and
while we’re alive, let’s be kind
to flesh and blood—those
were my last words.
“I miss Vrndavana,” he says.
Well, then why don’t we go there
physically? Why just build an altar?
I want to go there actually,
the place where the taxis take
your life.
Wait, this is going too far for
I can’t take it. They’re
charging him too much money.
I’ll pay for the place, the
altar. Don’t let them criticize
him. But it won’t look like
actual Vrndavana.
No place can be like that.
Yours in the Hollywood set. No
beggars, monkeys,
pigs, open sewers, your
place is a room in an
attic in Wicklow, Ireland,
sure a pretty place. Hey,
I’m working out this
anxiety set. I’m not a normal
guy, I’m an anxious guy,
going through a brown dawn
of the soul.
It’s like no one could tell me
I’d have to remind myself
wake up and tell myself.
You’re an extra-anxious
guy. You can’t sleep
when you worry about stuff.
You are a worrier, a
critic, a perfectionist,
you never slept all night
under a bridge.
Oh, yes, I slept around the Jefferson Monument
but was
just a weekend camper with some money in my
pocket.
I want the foundation. I won’t leave Srila
Prabhupada. I
just looked at him
going out of the room and we
assured each other.
Not going to another religion.
You got me. You staked
me. Sometimes I get annoyed
when I hear a preacher say
the controller of the universe
has soft bare feet and
petal eyes and a girlfriend.
It’s just too easy to hear.
I want to go there when
They want to bring me there,
but I don’t know when
that will ever be.
See you tomorrow—
bring your cigarette butts
and your notepads
and I’ll dictate some sweet stuff to
you you’ll be proud to look at
later. I’m sure Krsna is in
“heaven” lookin’ down
with glee.
pp. 64-67
The devotees will be leaving for Dublin this afternoon, so this will be my last chance to answer their questions. This morning I observed that it was “impossible” to control the mind. I had to agree with Arjuna’s statement in the Bhagavad-gita that controlling the mind is as difficult as controlling the wind. It also made me think of Lord Brahma’s prayer, “Unless one is favored by even a drop of Your mercy, my Lord, it’s not possible to understand You, certainly not by speculation or any concocted method.”
We sit in our respective temple rooms or kutirs, or we walk outdoors, and we chant Hare Krsna. Wherever we are, we’re like cakora birds waiting for a drop of Krsna’s mercy. If we are going to remember anything while chanting, then we should remember to ask the Lord, “Please bestow a little mercy on me so that I can know You and serve You and love You. I want to give all honor to the process of serving You by harinama, so I request You to please allow me to improve by bestowing upon me a little drop of Your mercy.”
Nitya-lila dasi had a series of questions. I appreciate that devotees are honestly trying to practice chanting and that their questions reflect their earnestness. They are not manufacturing questions to look clever. Rather, their honest questions reveal their spiritual poverty, because no one can ask a question unless he or she is open to being humiliated.
Nitya-lila observed that when we feel destitution in our lives, chanting Hare Krsna seems to amplify reality. “If so, should we cultivate a general feeling of misfortune and melancholy at our precarious lives?”
Melancholy? That mood doesn’t sound right to me. We shouldn’t be materially depressed. Melancholy is a disease. One who is not confident of Krsna’s presence in his life will be subject to severe ups and downs. Krsna is always the rock and the anchor for a devotee. Therefore, devotees do not become suicidal or even melancholic. Even the neophyte conditioned soul should be cheerful. He should be grateful that the pure devotee has come into his life and that he’s chanting Hare Krsna. The spiritual expression of sadness is something that comes in the advanced stages. That’s when we see the “melancholy” of the gopis in separation from Krsna.
Prabhupada recommends that we cultivate feelings of regret. When Ajamila expresses his regret at his sinful life, Prabhupada says we should also adopt this mood and always remember the sins we have committed. When Maharaja Pariksit regrets the offense he committed to the meditating sage, Prabhupada writes in his purport that all sins can be washed away by repentance. Repentance is appropriate when we consider our inattentive chanting and our failures to surrender. We see our inadequacies, some of which may be attributed to the sinful activities we have performed in this life, as well as in our long history of rebellion against God. If these feelings of regret induce a purified and humble state, then we welcome that. That regret and humility is not the same as when a neophyte devotee falls into self-pity and becomes crippled. Such a neophyte stops doing service and feels too unworthy to be a devotee. Then he inevitably falls back into sense gratification and degradation.
In this worst of ages, we are so materially and spiritually fortunate. Therefore, we should be upbeat and cheerful and work hard under the guru’s instruction. We are monkeys employed in Lord Rama’s army. Our future is brilliant. Despite our being unfortunate creatures, Krsna has given us nice service.
Another question from Nitya-lila: “Could you speak on how our japa-yajna is intertwined with our personal relationship with guru and Krsna?”
Bhakti means to develop a favorable relationship with Krsna (anyabhilasita-sunyam). Chanting is not merely a subsidiary tool to help us in that relationship. The name is Krsna Himself. Our relationship with the name means our relationship with Krsna. There is no other way to develop that relationship except to chant the holy name, especially in Kali-yuga.
Bhaktivinoda Thakura states that one can recognize a Vaisnava by the attachment he has for the holy name and not by any other status symbol or official social standing. If we don’t like to chant, how can we develop a favorable relationship with Krsna?
We are fighting to regain our relationship with Krsna. The spiritual master is helping us. Once we fall into maya, Mayadevi will shackle us tightly and not let us go until we have been thoroughly tested. It’s not easy to win back our original relationship and trust in Krsna consciousness, but Krsna has made it easy by the simple process of chanting His names. Neglecting the chanting means neglecting our relationship with Krsna. The holy name of Krsna and the relationship with Krsna are certainly intertwined. Our spiritual master charged us with the duty of chanting at least sixteen rounds a day. The honorable relationship with him will depend on our being obedient and true to that vow and to the foundational behaviors of avoiding the four kinds of sinful activity.
pp.380-82
Srila Jiva Gosvami states that unless you accept God’s inconceivable potencies you cannot understand Him at all. There is no way to explain many of the feats Sri Krsna performs in His lilas except to agree that He has inconceivable powers. He can make the impossible possible.
Even lowly creatures in the material world possess a certain amount of inconceivable potency, acintya-sakti. Small birds fly great distances over the ocean. Frogs bury themselves under the earth. Grass tolerates. Who can subdue the power of fog, volcanoes, hurricanes? All of these powers endowed to creatures and nature are beyond the ability of humans. The many small acintya-saktis must have a source which contains all these inconceivable powers, and that is Bhagavan Sri Krsna.
Krsna’s qualities sometimes bewilder us. We have tiny brains and cannot conceive how everything is taking place in the Supreme. As stated in lsopanisad,
“The Supreme Lord walks and does not walk. He is far away, but He is very near as well. He is within everything, and again He is outside of everything” (Mantra 5).
“Here is an explanation of the Supreme Lord’s transcendental activities as executed by His incon-ceivable potencies. Contradictions are given here by way of proving the inconceivable potency . . . [for without them] there can be no meaning to the words ‘Supreme Lord’
(Isopanisad, Mantra 5, purport)
Lord Krsna’s body generates innumerable universes. This quality of the Lord is not manifest in jivas, but in the body of Lord Narayana. Lord Brahma prays, ” … Even though one of the many universes is created by me, innumerable universes are coming and going from the pores of Your body . . . I think I am very, very insignificant before You, and I am therefore begging Your pardon” (Bhag. 10.14.11, as quoted in NOD, Chap. 21, p. 188).
In His original form, the Supreme Lord is Sri Krsna. He expands into Visnu forms beginning with Baladeva, Sankarsana, Pradyumna and Aniruddha. A further Visnu expansion is Ksirodakasayi Visnu from whom the universes expand. Beginning like small droplets from the pores of His body, the universes expand into huge egg shapes. The Lord then enters each universe as Garbhodakasayi Visnu and begins creating through the agency of His son, Lord Brahma.
Srila Prabhupada writes, “Although Krsna is the origin of all this, He can always be seen in Vrndavana exhibiting His inconceivable potencies. So who can adequately worship such an all-powerful Lord, possessed of such inconceivable energy?” (NOD, Chap. 21, p. 189).
Krsna displays his acintya-sakti by granting causeless mercy to the fallen souls. We don’t deserve it, but by His dispensation of mercy, we receive the gift of krsna-bhakti. The holy names of Krsna descend in this way. Golokera prema-dhana, hari-nama-sankirtana. The messengers of Yamaraja, although expert in deciding how sinners should be punished, did not understand the potency of the holy names. They arrested the culprit Ajamila, but because he had once chanted the name of Narayana, he was exempt from their punishment. The Visnudutas came and saved Ajamila and instructed the Yamadutas on the glories of the holy name.
******
I can write to keep warm or to keep my mind off the cold. Similarly, in japa time, I can chant quickly and alertly like a man outdoors intent on warming himself by a fire. He needs the fire to keep warm; I need Hare Krsna Hare Krsna, Krsna Krsna Hare Hare. That is the benefit of the cold—it drives me to take shelter.
I am like a piece of kindling, a straw or small stick that has been drying out for years. It can catch fire if I can just hold it close to the fire for long enough. I want to draw close to that mystical source of my deliverance. I want to be aware of how obvious my need is and how easy it is to fulfill it.
Walking back and forth to keep awake, to keep my circulation flowing easily, but I don’t go too far. Who would be so crazy as to light a fire on a cold night and then walk away from it? Who would be so foolish as to make a fire and then douse it with water, just when it’s doing its best?
This fire bodes no danger. If it were to spread and blaze out of control, what benefit there would be for the world! I chant in the darkness waiting for dawn, waiting for the sun of suddha-nama to fully rise. When the sun of devotion begins to blaze, then I will see Krsna’s pastimes, qualities, and forms, and I will sing madly, not caring for what others think. When will that day be mine?
pp. 110-13
One day while Chota was listening, but not very attentively, Vira dasa, the temple commander came in and asked permission to exterminate the mice. Chota jumped and began trembling. He was about to run away but forced himself to stay and hear it.
“They come at night and eat from the kitchen bhoga,” said Vira. “Sometimes even in broad daylight. The cooks are sick of it, so I’m just going to spread some strychnine all over the floorboards. I think there’s a lot of them.”
“I think it’s better to keep everything clean,” said Arjavam. “Vaisnavas are not supposed to kill. Remember the story of the hunter who was converted by Narada into a devotee? He avoided killing even the ants.”
They argued back and forth about whether they should kill the mice. Arjavam seemed determined not to kill them, and Chota wished he could help him with his arguments. Arjavam finds a quote from the Bhagavatam, and he reads it aloud.
One should treat animals such as deer, camels, asses, monkeys, mice, snakes, birds, and flies exactly like one’s own son. How little difference there actually is between children and these innocent animals.
“I believe it is said,” said Vira, “that when the rodents get too offensive, even Srila Prabhupada would allow killing them. I heard that the landlord at 26 Second Avenue wanted to exterminate, and Prabhupada said it was all right.
“The mice are even going on the altar and taking Radha-Krsna’s water and flowers. They crawl on the Deities. That’s offensive, seva-aparadha, and if we let the mice do this, this is also seva-aparadha for us. You’re the temple president, so you’ll get the karma. The Deity is God, but it’s up to God’s devotee to protect Him against rodents and enemies.”
“Yeah,” said Arjavam, and he seemed to be weakening. Devotees knew that Arjavam had a soft touch, and if they just persisted long enough, he would change his mind.
Vira says, “It’s a war,” and Arjavam says all right, it’s your department, you do what you want. And Vira says, “Okay, I’m going to wipe them out.”
Then Chota thinks, “If Nimai could talk to another mouse, then I can talk to other humans.”
Chota came out of his hole and started climbing up the leg of the temple president’s desk. He was acting under a strong instinctive drive.
Chota reached the top of the desk and peered up at Arjavam. He noticed that Arjavam was a stockily-built human with dark hair and kind eyes. Chota prayed, “Lord Krsna, please help.”
Arjavam was surprised to see him. “Oh,” he said looking at the bewhiskered pointy face of the mouse. “Did you hear us plotting to kill you?” asked Arjavam.
“Yes,” said Chota, “and I wish to submit a plea on behalf of many devotees of the Lord that you please spare us.”
Arjavam was astonished to hear the mouse speak. He blinked his eyes several times and shook his head.
“It’s real, Prabhu,” said Chota. “By the grace of guru and Krsna a lame man can walk, a blind man can see the stars and a mouse can speak.”
“So be it,” said Arjavam. “But what can I do?”
“Give the order to spare us,” said Chota.
Chota explained there are hundreds of mice devotees living in the temple chanting Hare Krishna and practicing bhaki-yoga, so they shouldn’t kill the devotees. Arjavam seemed to accept it as another important interview. Then Chota says to him that he will personally see that the mice stop crawling on the bhoga and on the Deities and that they stay out of the way. “Just give me 24 hours.”
Then Chota runs to the mice in a panic and he tells Siva-jvara that they have to have a group meeting right away. Siva-jvara says let’s talk about it among the leaders first. Chota says no, there is no time for it. Just let me speak, says Chota. And he speaks to all the devotees. We have a plan to avert this disaster.
Siva-jvara says he is going to post an alert to watch that mice don’t come out. Arjavam confiscates the strychnine and places it in his own closet. The next day Vira dasa reports to Arjavam that there have been no more incidents with the mice, no bhoga had been taken, and Radha-Krsna were unmolested. He even set some bhoga out to tempt the mice and placed flour around the area to detect mouse footprints, but none come. “It must have worked,” said Vira.
When the mice saw that the strychnine had been put away and the obnoxious, but not lethal, ammonia was spread around, they considered themselves saved from the disaster. Everyone praised Chota. Chota enjoyed the praise, but said it was Krsna who had saved them.
My book had an effect on some of the devotees in the movement. They said, “Don’t kill that mouse, it might be Chota.” Devotees I know generally use a Havahart trap for mice and capture them without snapping them to death in a mouse trap. They put some bait in the Havahart trap, catch the mouse, and then transport him far away so he won’t come back. Or, they resort to what Arjavam did and spread ammonia. Or, just keep it very clean, Prabhupada said, and they wouldn’t come.
pp. 89-93
To the devotees of Radha-Damodara,
who inspired me to write
of Their Lordships.
Golden Krsna, You
first appeared on a rock-opera roadshow,
& gave people darsana on crowded city streets,
rode happily on a Greyhound bus all over the U.S.A.,
Your name linked in history
with brahmacari preaching.
Radha-Damodara, You are
living now on the Gita Nagari farm,
as dancing, playful
Protector of the cows.
Gathered for mangala-arati
are children, mothers, men —
it’s cold outside, dark A.M.
Inside, Radha-Damodara is
brighter than the warming sun.
The curtain behind You
is an inexpensive rug
pictured with peacocks,
Your throne, walnut, homemade,
seems fine to me.
See golden metal
or God’s form sublime?
He’s Krsna,
but according to your mind,
what you see
depends on your devotion.
Tomorrow again I will see You,
Queen and King,
unless I die tonight.
I doubt that will happen,
but tomorrow morning
will I fail again
to see You with love-anointed eyes?
Over the years I don’t have
a close relationship with You,
but I’d like to start now
with real feeling
and praise You in a hundred heartfelt stanzas,
even though they’re poor and of little form.
Radha-Damodara, I am living
in Your home,
in the last days of the year,
supposedly sick, but recovering.
All of us have but a few years
in which to attain pure devotion
to Your Lordships.
So before it’s too late — I pray —
please help me.
You are too elusive for photos.
One has to come and see You in person.
Your eyes especially
defy the camera lights.
Even our eyesight is not enough:
we have to come in reverence and awe
to see Radharani
standing by Your side.
This year I did not attend
Your June Swing Festival,
and I was away during Karttika
when You rode on a palanquin
and when You oversaw Your servants picking mung plants. I also missed seeing You when
You went to bless the cows in the barn.
But I’m here now, and each morning
it’s another full festival
to see Your red soled feet,
red tilaka, upraised finger,
and the right red palm of Radha.
The fact that You are in conjugal mood
should exclude,
yet kindly You welcome
we who are trying, and even the karmi.
We happily behold this well-dressed Boy and Girl, Godhead and Expansion,
unknowable now, yet real to us now.
Srila Prabhupada scorned —
“You are seeing the Deity and
thinking of loving some woman” —
inattention while worshiping —
our inevitable, but sorry state.
I wanted to praise You,
but here I come begging —
allow us first, pure attention at Your darsana.
We should build You a great temple,
but it seems yet far away.
Your collectors make just enough
to pay our wolf-at-the-door bills.
Yet they love You and work hard.
We simply are not mighty yet,
though we protect Your cows and bulls,
teach Your children, and train Your men.
Surely in the future,
more opulence will come.
Please, until then, accept
our daily attendance,
our twenty-four hour bhakti,
our following of the rules,
new clothes and crowns for You,
and bright marigolds daily.
On Your altar
You are flanked by two gopis, who came via Texas;
and smaller Radha-Kalacandji, who looks like
He’s going to dance off the altar;
Gaura and Nitai, who are
intoxicated with bliss;
and Srila Prabhupada, regal with japa beads.
Although there are costlier and more exacting
arrangements than these pink-veined marble steps,
these forms are installed incarnations,
and so absolute, all-perfect.
How to connect everything we do and see with You?
It’s a fact You are the Lord of all,
and the Lord of true devotees’ hearts.
Let me desire and practice,
then surely I will see You
and think of You wherever I go.
As Prabhupada has said,
“When a man works in the factory,
he thinks of his wife and family.
So a pure devotee thinks of the Lord.”
Man-mana bhava.
Radha-Damodara is in our hearts,
provided we want to love Him.
Waiting at the velvet curtain,
why doesn’t my heart pound
like a lover’s?
At least I sing, “Jaya Radha-Damodara,”
and hold the hands of little boys.
Then curtains part, all bow down,
the first notes of Govindam sound,
and rising to our knees, we see
our dearmost Friends.
We join together to see Them,
yet each of us is with Them alone;
that is Their mystic art.
I want to see Radha and Krsna
alone, close up, with no one distracting,
yet we worship in a community of souls,
and by harmony only can we properly approach Them. They are dressed by groups of servants —
one combs Radha’s hair and braids it,
one cooks Their meal, one shines Their trays,
one makes Their crowns,
and others labor for Them
in different acres of the Gita-nagari farm.
Coming together as community
is just-reward for labor —
is real darsana of the Lord.
pp. 201-4
O hari-nama, please forgive my offenses. When I come to You in the morning, please overlook my mistakes. Please appear in my heart.
This morning I finished eight rounds while sitting in a darkened room. The votive candles illumined the holy pictures, and the moon shone full through the windows. A few times, I tried recalling that I am fallen.
I may not make full progress in this lifetime. It isn’t the worst thing that could happen to me, but it seems likely that I will have to take birth again. Will I ever just accept it as a matter of fact, that the higher powers will transfer me to my next life? As Bhaktivinoda Thakura prays, let it be an insignificant life in the family of devotees. At least allow me to take birth where devotees are chanting Krsrla’s name and hearing His pastimes.
As I wait for death, I don’t want to waste my time in defeat. Go forward expectant that someone like me can still make significant gains. But I have to admit this: so much about me seems closed and implacable, like a wizened Chinese man. Who knows what goes on in this mind and heart? Is there a warm heart at all? Before I can feel regret, I will have to admit that I am closed to those feelings. Why don’t I open to the truth about myself, the real truth, and live in that? Why am I living in the back room of my self with only a small light on?
My mornings are long and filled with the heavy training befitting an Olympic athlete. Be alert. Even as I run through my japa like a conscientious runner, there may be moments when I find myself on my knees begging to serve. Watch for that moment.
I have to become more humble. You say you want to improve chanting? Then the most essential element is trnad api sunicena. For example, guruship is a great responsibility. You cannot goof off and be silly with hundreds of people expecting you to guide them in the most important way. There are many ways to be a silly ass; you have to strive to avoid them.
But humility doesn’t mean being focused on yourself as grave, as guru. You have to be able to laugh (or cry) at yourself. Humility includes being a well-loved servant of the devotees. It means not indulging in sensual or mental gratification. It means not living only for yourself.
Think of what it means to be humble. If you have no idea and no practice, then how can you chant the holy name? How can you read in that mood?
I am chanting in Pennsylvania. Early this morning in the perfect quiet, I heard the faraway drone of a small-engined airplane. I wondered, “How could such a small plane fly at 3:00 A.M. over an unlit area?” Then I thought of the lonely pilot in the cockpit. Somehow, I too am hovering high above, lost, not focused.
I don’t think and feel when I chant. I get up and, restless, turn on the light. The purpose of this written report is not to hit myself on the head. Poor japa is punishment in itself. I am thinking of my thoughtful Godbrothers who also work to improve their japa, and of younger devotees who look to us for a sign. How can we help each other?
I have no doubt in the process, but for myself, I can’t seem to focus. I wander like a little plane in the sky with no worthy mission, it seems.
“Why fly at this hour? You’re just an amateur. You have no radar. There is nothing you can do that can’t be accomplished better by the big jets. Why don’t you come down and stop disturbing our sleep?”
That pilot won’t listen. He must fly. He’s a vaidhi-bhakta. He is deeply impelled by something beyond himself.
I ask forgiveness. “Where am I in comparison to the all-auspicious chanting of the holy name of Lord Narayana?” (Bhag. 6.2.34). Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura says, “I fall at the Lord’s feet, having taken this maha-mantra” (Arunodaya-kirtana, Part 2, verse 5).
Not waiting for inspiration, no time left in this life for studying Sanskrit, not much use left for English structures either.
My morning sadhana practice is like practicing jump shots in a big empty gymnasium. I used to practice those one-handed jump shots until I got good at it, but I was always too short and too shy to be a “jock” in my high school days. Ah, if only I had known of devotion to Krsna then. If only I had known the protection of a guru. What a wasted youth! So now in the swiftly diminishing hours of my life, I burn a candle and wish I could pray. To become a deer living in Vraja, or a peacock messenger, something connected to Vraja service, to guru-seva. Thank you, Gurudeva, for rescuing me. Please allow me, 0 Lord of the senses, some life duration and concentration on chanting and hearing the most splendid pastimes, beyond all study; allow me to practice my Hare Krsna mantras and one day please You in a simple way.
pp. 158=62
I think I chanted all my rounds by now. But even if I didn’t chant them all, I chanted most of them. I will let Anuradha look at my non-confidential Diary.
This Diary is meant to reveal my inner thoughts. I have inner thoughts about Krsna. Krsna is the Supreme Personality of Godhead. I try to stay awake when I chant His name. I believe in Krsna. I say His name with reverence. I say His name and believe that His name is nondifferent than Him. These truths I hold sacred. I hold them sacred and true. There are outer things, and there are inner things. An outer thing is that I’m trying to get new eyeglasses today. An inner thing is that I want to increase my love for Krsna and the holy name. I cannot do it easily, but I am trying. An inner thing is my writing itself. I’m writing books from a sacred place. I asked Krsna to help me write and write. It doesn’t come easy. It’s my holy grail. It’s my sacred place. But even my so-called sacred chanting is not sufficient. I thought of something nice this morning while chanting, but I cannot remember it now. I would like to turn this non-confidential diary into something where I could utter words that I really believe in, offer them to Krsna, believe in Krsna, in who He is. He can appear before the chanter. Believe in the truths of Krsna consciousness. Of all the avataras, Krsna is the highest. This is my highest truth. It is not so high, but it’s the best I can do. I hold Krsna up, like He would hold up an elephant—something very, very heavy—and he doesn’t fall to the ground. I’m able to hold Him up because He allows me. Say it again: Krsna is His own name, He is nondifferent from His name. Hold these truths to be self-evident. You can talk to Krsna in a confidential way. I think you have spoken that and realized it sometimes. Krsna is His holy name. Krsna is the name of God. If anyone can say that holy name with reverence, he can call forth the Lord Himself. Believe in the Lord. That is very important.
Don’t commit offenses in chanting. I know I do, but today I tried not to. I didn’t fall asleep. I said His names clearly, at least for some of the time. Bala was sleeping, but I was awake. However, I was not chanting with full attention. I was not asleep. I was saying His name. You could learn the path how to get to Krsna. Learn the path, keep it memorized in your heart. Say the holy names with meaning.
I went to the holy devotees and told them that I chanted one time with attention, and they heard me for that. I will be rewarded for a little good chanting, but my chanting is not really inward with all my heart and soul. It is at least the sound I hear, and I tell myself, “Keep listening.” “Keep awake.” Get up now. Face the day. Say more prayers, like prayers to Krsna and Radha. Oh, you can’t do that? Manohara’s showed me how he can do it. He rattled off all the names of God. Among them are different names of God. So there’s Radha and Krsna, and other names that try to fill up without sleeping. There’s Madhusudana. Let me know You now. Let me know You before I die. Was I treating Krsna thinking Him as like a Chinese monk but very reverently? Say His names. Build up His names. And when someone contradicts you and says, “Those are not the names of God!” I say to them, “Many doesn’t prevent the prestige of the holy name, nothing stops Him.” I saw a dead dog lying in the road. He hadn’t been dead for long. Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare / Hare Rama Hare Rama …
They play a video. I’m chanting, but it’s not so effective. Let this japa exercise blossom into the real thing. He asked for less pay, and they threatened to fire him. What would I do? You have to work and do something in this civilization. I am not saying much at all. I wish I could break loose and speak more truthfully. I like those lines, “God is everything, so we will give it to you.” Yesterday I loved Him, and we are storekeepers. I remembered him hitting me over the head with my danda. He broke it in several pieces, but I’m having it better now.
Is this inward talking? Can I meet the Lord in His names in conversation? Yes, I used to write, or my mother did, on my report cards, she wrote, “Could do better.” No employee could do better at an even lower category, and then there are higher standards. Put your prayers in email form so you can read it later and it won’t be illegible. Read legible prayers.
You are putting down prayers to Krsna because He is the most important person in your life.
Readers will find, in the Appendix of this book, scans of a cover letter written by Satsvarūpa Mahārāja to the GN Press typist at the time, along with some of the original handwritten pages of June Bug. Together, these help to illustrate the process used by Mahārāja when writing his books during this period. These were timed books, in the sense that a distinct time period was allotted for the writing, during SDG’s travels as a visiting sannyāsī
Don’t take my pieces away from me. I need them dearly. My pieces are my prayers to Kṛṣṇa. He wants me to have them, this is my way to love Him. Never take my pieces away.
Many planks and sticks, unable to stay together, are carried away by the force of a river’s waves. Similarly, although we are intimately related with friends and family members, we are unable to stay together because of our varied past deeds and the waves of time.
To Śrīla Prabhupāda, who encouraged his devotees (including me) To write articles and books about Kṛṣṇa Consciousness.
I wrote him personally and asked if it was alright for his disciples to write books, Since he, our spiritual master, was already doing that. He wrote back and said that it was certainly alright For us to produce books.
I have a personal story to tell. It is a about a time (January–July 1974) I spent as a personal servant and secretary of my spiritual master, His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupäda, founder-äcärya of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness. Although I have written extensively about Çréla Prabhupäda, I’ve hesitated to give this account, for fear it would expose me as a poor disciple. But now I’m going ahead, confident that the truth will purify both my readers and myself.
First published by The Gītā-nāgarī Press/GN Press in serialized form in the magazine Among Friends between 1996 and 2001, Best Use of a Bad Bargain is collected here for the first time in this new edition. This volume also contains essays written by Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami for the occasional periodical, Hope This Meets You in Good Health, between 1994 and 2002, published by the ISKCON Health and Welfare Ministry.
This book has two purposes: to arouse our transcendental feelings of separation from a great personality, Śrīla Prabhupāda, and to encourage all sincere seekers of the Absolute Truth to go forward like an army under the banner of His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupāda and the Kṛṣṇa consciousness movement.
A single volume collection of the Nimai novels.
Śrīla Prabhupāda was in the disciplic succession from the Brahmā-Mādhva-Gauḍīya sampradāya, the Vaiṣṇavas who advocate pure devotion to God and who understand Kṛṣṇa as the Supreme Personality of Godhead. He always described himself as simply a messenger who carried the paramparā teachings of his spiritual master and Lord Kṛṣṇa.
Dear Srila Prabhupada,
Please accept this or it’s worse than useless.
You have given me spiritual life
and so my time is yours.
You want me to be happy in Krishna consciousness
You want me to spread Krishna consciousness,
This collection of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s writings is comprised of essays that were originally published in Back to Godhead magazine between 1966 and 1978, and compiled in 1979 by Gita Nagari Press as the volume A Handbook for Kṛṣṇa Consciousness.
This second volume of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s Back to Godhead essays encompasses the last 11 years of his 20-year tenure as Editor-in-Chief of Back to Godhead magazine. The essays in this book consist mostly of SDG’s ‘Notes from the Editor’ column, which was typically featured towards the end of each issue starting in 1978 and running until Mahārāja retired from his duties as editor in 1989.
This collection of Satsvarupa dasa Goswami’s writings is comprised of essays that were originally published in Back to Godhead magazine between 1991 and 2002, picking up where Volume 2 leaves off. The volume is supplemented by essays about devotional service from issues of Satsvarupa dasa Goswami’s magazine, Among Friends, published in the 1990s.
“This is a different kind of book, written in my old age, observing Kṛṣṇa consciousness and assessing myself. I believe it fits under the category of ‘Literature in pursuance of the Vedic version.’ It is autobiography, from a Western-raised man, who has been transformed into a devotee of Kṛṣṇa by Śrīla Prabhupāda.”
The Best I Could DoI want to study this evolution of my art, my writing. I want to see what changed from the book In Search of the Grand Metaphor to the next book, The Last Days of the Year.
a Hare Krishna ManIt’s world enlightenment day
And devotees are giving out books
By milk of kindness, read one page
And your life can become perfect.
Calling Out to Srila Prabhupada: Poems and PrayersO Prabhupāda, whose purports are wonderfully clear, having been gathered from what was taught by the previous ācāryas and made all new; O Prabhupāda, who is always sober to expose the material illusion and blissful in knowledge of Kṛṣṇa, may we carefully read your Bhaktivedanta purports.
I use free-writing in my devotional service as part of my sādhana. It is a way for me to enter those realms of myself where only honesty matters; free-writing enables me to reach deeper levels of realization by my repeated attempt to “tell the truth quickly.” Free-writing takes me past polished prose. It takes me past literary effect. It takes me past the need to present something and allows me to just get down and say it. From the viewpoint of a writer, this dropping of all pretense is desirable.
Geaglum Free WriteThis edition of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s 1996 timed book, Geaglum Free Write Diary, is published as part of a legacy project to restore Satsvarūpa Mahārāja’s writings to ‘in print’ status and make them globally available for current and future readers.