It seems too late now—with three more days—to break open my japa into some new stage. I didn’t reach the first profound stage of deep regret. I see my complaints as too negative; I’m like a New Age psychologist who doesn’t want bad vibes: “Don’t be so down on yourself, man.” I say I’m willing to go down the road of remorse, yet it’s not open to me. The grace has to descend from the authorized devotees down. That includes an experience of genuine regret— the kind expressed by Narottama dasa Thakura, that I have wasted my life because I have not worshiped Radha and Krishna and do not serve Their devotees. I am hard-hearted and selfish.
(_Begging for the Nectar of the Holy Name_)
The japa retreat is almost over
and I didn’t experience deep regret
at my poor chanting.
The grace has to
descend from the
authorized devotees. That includes
the experience of great regret.
Narottama dasa Thakura laments that
he hasn’t worshiped
Radha and Krishna, or served
Their devotees. “I am
hard-hearted and selfish.