I forgot to take
my bedtime pills
and couldn’t sleep
during the night.
I fear it will affect my awakeness during
japa, but my attempt will be sincere.
Baladeva’s alarm clock went off at 1:00 A.M.,
and our cowbells followed.
He administered my wake-up rituals.
I walked into the room
where the Deities are and bowed down.
I felt tired, but
began my japa.
I practiced “just hear,”
the method where you
just chant and hear
attentively with no other meditation.
There are higher stages of perfection in japa,
but “just hear” is elevated in itself.
Anyone who understands that the Name
is nondifferent from Krishna Himself,
and who absorbs himself in
the transcendental sound vibration,
is achieving a rare state of japa.
I met my quota after four rounds
with minutes to spare. Then I
turned to writing in my Japa Report.
I began the second set
at a moderate/brisk pace.
Although I was chanting
silently in the mind
I heard the Names clearly,
attentively, and with concern
to pronounce the words properly.
But I was distracted
planning what to write in the next Japa Report
so I was committing aparadha:
inattention to the Name,
so my chanting was faulty.
But the maha-mantra is so merciful and powerful
that it vanquishes sinful reactions,
ushers in liberation
and brings one gradually to love of God,
even when chanted with imperfections
as I was doing. (I like to repeat
the lines about the power of the maha-mantra.
I use them as affirmations. They give me
confidence that I am making progress,
even while making mistakes.)
I met my quota after eight rounds
with a few minutes to spare.
I began the third set at a brisk pace.
I made speed a priority over quality,
but I held on to the bead
until the mantra was finished
before moving to the next bead.
I had a patch of sleepiness
and confusion. I slowed down
and then I recovered.
I tried to avoid merely mechanical chanting
by cultivating thoughtfulness
and devotional feelings.
For thoughtfulness, I adhered to
“just hear.” This enabled me
to keep the mantras separately
and to not mix them or miss them.
For feelings, I looked at Radha-Govinda
and imbibed Their sweetness.
I acknowledged that Radha-Krishna
were the heart of the Hare Krishna mantra,
composed exclusively of Their Names
and uttered as a prayer
for engagement in Their service.
I finished my twelfth round
with minutes to spare on the quota.
For the fourth set, I concentrated
on speed. I was way behind.
I decided I would not be able
to finish the four rounds
in the final set, but would
promise to chant them
later in the day. Thus
my early morning session
was incomplete.
I considered it a poor session
because I did not finish the quota.
Most of my chanting was decent,
paying attention and even
focusing on the meaning of
the Names. But when I sped up –
or when I grew drowsy – I lost
the quality. I did not call out
to Krishna for His blessings,
although it is not possible for me
to do good japa on my own endeavor.
At least I will follow the process
and do the prescribed number
of rounds today, under the order
of the spiritual master,
a sacred vow.