I am writing in a blind, groping way, rolling on and on. I mouth the words, “I surrender my works to Prabhupada.” If it’s good literature, I dedicate it to him; if there’s something wrong, I take the blame. I am one of his devotees.
I want Krishna conscious substance. I want something genuine. But that also can become a sense of false pride. So I push ahead imperfectly. “I submit at Your lotus feet, O Lord, that I am fallen, and wretched, a fact known to the three worlds” (Saranagati 2.7.1). Bhaktivinode Thakura declares himself redeemed in an earlier verse, but now he again claims that he is fallen. “By attempting to clear myself of all these sins and offenses I am put to shame and beg Your forgiveness” (Saranagati 2.7.3).
He is serious. I am too. Why else would I be up at this desk at midnight writing? “Is it difficult?” asked a technician at the Ayurvedic clinic. “No,” I said, “because I want to do it. I have a serious purpose.” It doesn’t matter that I don’t exactly know what “my purpose” means. I am uncovering it a little bit at a time. I am not just filling up space; I am begging for mercy.
The same words we hear referring to sinfulness in the material world, kama and lobha, are the topmost expressions of spiritual love. These are the things I am trying to understand and distinguish. Material greed or lust has nothing to do with the spiritual world. I am trying to puncture whatever remaining enthusiasm I have for worldly achievement—flatten it out. Who am I trying to impress in this world? Enthusiasm is for bhakti-yoga.
Enthusiasm means action. “Always act for Krishna—kṛishnarthakhila-cesta (NOI, text 3, purport). But at the same time, be patient. Non–parampara enthusiasm is a disturbance. Follow the acaryas. They have provided detailed maps of the way. ” … in devotional service, surrender means that one has to become confident. The devotee thinks, avasya raksibe Krishna: “Krishna will surely protect me and give me help for the successful execution of devotional service” (NOI, text 3, purport).
Bhaktivinode Thakura is joyful. Be confident of his direction. Seek the shelter of Lord Nityananda. But I’m here in this body, in Italy, and I don’t know where to find Him. I can’t buzz my intercom and call for Him. Can’t wake Madhu up and say, “Bring me Lord Nityananda.” Can’t even plan to go to Mayapur and find Him there. Unless I am serious.
Doubts are like rocks in an agricultural field. Some are easy to lift out and pile in a corner. Others break your tractor. If you can’t remove them all, plow around them and plant where you can.
Writing is like japa: it’s important what you do before you start. What have you been eating, speaking, thinking, dreaming? A dream: a fire occurred in our house. Then Madhu got in an accident while operating a huge tractor. I ran to the scene crying, “My baby!” Didn’t want to record such a dream. There are reasons for that …
There are always some things I don’t want to admit. It turned out in the dream that the fire wasn’t so bad and neither was the accident. I took yogurt for breakfast, although three out of four Ayurvedic doctors tell me not to. Now I have indigestion. Why offer watermelon on too cool a day? Which way do the beads go, left or right when you chant? I forget, but I am happy to have such a life where there is always another chance to chant Hare Krishna.
“I have become supremely joyful by surrendering myself at Your holy feet … there are no more anxieties. I see joy in all directions” (Saranagati 2.8.1). Is this the same person who saw only grief? How has such a great change come about? He has met a pure devotee. He cried with contrition and Krishna sent a Vaisnava. From that Vaisnava, he has learned to surrender.
“Unhappiness has gone away. I shall strive for whatever pleases You, fully devoted to Your lotus feet.” I admitted that I was the sinner in the early songs of Saranagati, but why do I exclude myself from these songs? I’m also serving the Lord. I’m also fixed at my guru’s feet. I still have some aparadhas and anarthas, and I don’t see how I will find relief. But I have found peace at Krishna’s lotus feet and I have given up the fear of worldly existence. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say I fear the kalacakra. I fear this world where you meet up with what you don’t want and are torn away from what you love. I fear it. I want shelter. I want devotional service for Krishna’s pleasure, but I’m also scurrying to His lotus feet out of fear of the material conflagration. Krishna, please save me. I’m not pure, but I want to be.
“Troubles encountered in Your service shall be the cause of great happiness, for in Your devotional service joy and sorrow are equally great riches” (Saranagati 2.8.4). This is a great verse. I have often quoted it in books and lectures. It’s useful for motivating subordinates who feel weak-hearted in their service. I also remind them of the glories of Madhavendra Puri. He carried over eighty pounds of sandalwood—undisturbed by toll guards or thieves’ threats—and walked thousands of miles for his Gopinatha’s service.
The question is, do I realize the truth of Bhaktivinode Thakura’s statement? Do I live it? Taste it? It’s a little too much for me right now, but I definitely accept it as true, just as I accept that I am not this body and that material comforts are detestable to a pure devotee and that I should not be afraid of death.
What have I realized? I know that the practice gives you a good reputation among pious people, and they are willing to give you money and service. Am I being cynical? Yes, a little. My cynicism is like a leftover cloud raining dirt.
I’m conditioned to speak as perfectly as possible and never let on that I have any doubt. Can you imagine? You raise your hand and express a doubt and the devotee giving the class from the vyasasana says, “Yes, I have that doubt too. I don’t know the answer. Maybe we can’t do what the sastras say. I dunno.” Although he may give a humble preamble like that, we still expect him to come up with the goods. Otherwise, how can we let him speak?
When I meet troubles in the course of Your service do they make me happy? “Thanks,” he says to troublemakers, “You’ve made my day.” Sounds like a pure devotee, completely staunch and not out for self-aggrandizement. So what if I get arrested or hit on the head and harassed in some way? The main thing is to serve Krishna. That taste is always sublime.
At least I know I am rightly situated. Krishna is giving me a little mercy in the form of pain (purification). He knows the misery of ignorance is being destroyed by the so-called misery of troubles encountered while serving Krishna. Svargapavarga-narakesv api tulyartha-darsinaḥ: heaven and hell are the same for the fearless narayana-parayana. I believe it, but I’m not there yet.
“I have completely forgotten all past history by feeling great joy in my mind. I am most certainly Yours, and You are indeed mine. What need is there of any other treasure?” (Saranagati 2.8.5). When a statement is beyond your realization, does that mean you’re not interested to hear it? No. I visualize the great devotees who measured up Arjuna, Bhisma, the gopis, all the mahajanas. They all passed severe tests. Maybe I’m embarrassed by the topic and feel excluded. In honesty, I can’t yet tell my success story. It’s like being in school during exams. You are given a choice of essays to write. Some are interesting topics but too hard. You skip those and look for something easier you can still relate to. You have to be careful of that too, though. Sometimes you are still unqualified to answer the easy questions.
Tell us what you know of “troubles encountered in Krishna’s service are a cause of great happiness. Joy and sorrow are all one, all treasures for me in blissful Krishna consciousness.” Hmmm.