We have just enjoyed seven weeks of expert Italian cooking, first by Manohara, and then by his wife Visakha. The Italian devotees in general love to cook for the devotees; they are so fond of their pasta preparations and offer them lovingly to their Guru and his associates. But Bala from Trinidad prefers his Trini meals. I love the Italian meals, but I have gained weight since these two devotees have been here. When they are cooking, it’s not a good time for trying to reduce weight. But what can I do? I can’t refuse their offering. Now for a period there will be no Italian cooking, but Manohara says he’s coming back in March. It’s an important loving exchange in Italian culture. I experienced it in my childhood from the Italian (Guarino) side of the family. When the family gathered in numbers, it was often spaghetti, and one of the uncles saying, “Mangia! Mangia!” (“Eat! Eat!”)
We are deep into winter, here in upstate New York. It’s currently very cold, some evenings going down below zero (-18°C), and during the day up to six degrees Fahrenheit (-14°C). We had a snowstorm. The people live here with this, yet every time a snowstorm comes, they become very excited, revved up, and take emergency measures. In the Walmart stores, the shelf for water (50 feet long), is completely empty, sold out. Milk, candles, batteries are also sold out, and bread. The local post office is the place which is like a “weather hub.” People gather and gossip, and they have different opinions as to how much snow we’re going to get. Some say ten inches, some say fifteen, some say twenty, and some say more. There is no actual forecast of the snow; it is all speculation. The forecasts change; it is not like tracking a hurricane where they have an exact record of how it’s been traveling and the velocity, etc. They will have information of different weather fronts–one from the west, one from the south, etc., and they’re expected to meet. But it’s relative and speculative; nothing is for sure. Nothing’s for sure, except death. This is how we meet the winter.
Yesterday we completed our group out-loud reading of Caitanya-caritamrta. At lunchtime Baladeva read for an hour and fifteen minutes, covering the last chapter, “The Siksastikam Prayers,” and the “Concluding Words.” Some of the regular devotees of this ashram were missing, and others were not so greedy to read. So Baladeva read the whole chapter by himself. He sometimes gets sleepy, but this material was so exciting, intense and emotional that he was wide-awake the whole time. The last chapters, about Lord Caitanya’s continual state of madness in separation from Krsna, finish out the C.c. in a spectacular way. Lord Caitanya’s ecstasies are so extreme that they are not described in any scriptures, but Krsnadasa Kaviraja describes them as he has heard them from eyewitnesses, especially Raghunatha dasa Gosvami and Svarupa Damodara. Advaita Acarya wrote an enigmatic sonnet that alluded to the disappearance of Lord Caitanya but was so obscure that none of the devotees understood it. Lord Caitanya read it and said, “That is His order.” Krsnadasa Kaviraja does not directly describe the disappearance of Lord Caitanya. He just stops his narration after a series of descriptions of mad ecstatic states of Mahaprabhu, and then he summarizes each chapter of the Antya-lila. We have heard that Lord Caitanya disappeared by merging into the Deity of Tota-gopinatha in Jagannatha Puri, but this is not described in Caitanya-caritamrta or Caitanya-bhagavata. We are left with the vision of Lord Caitanya in His mostly inward state of separation from Krsna, in the mood of Radharani. The biographers of Lord Caitanya do not seem to think it is important to describe His actual disappearance, or it is unbearable for them to do so.
We read the wonderful “Concluding Words.” In it, Prabhupada refers to the learned circles, professors, etc. Prabhupada writes, “I am glad to express my gratitude to the learned men in the Western countries who are so pleased with my work that they are ordering in advance all my books that will be published in the future. On this occasion, therefore, I request my disciples who are determined to help me in this work to continue their cooperation fully, so that philosophers, scholars, religionists, and people in general all over the world will benefit by reading our transcendental literature, such as Srimad-Bhagavatam and Sri Caitanya-caritamrta.” We members of the Library Party who traveled all over the U.S.A. getting standing orders as BBT representatives were delighted by Prabhupada’s acknowledgement of our service in his “Concluding Words.”
Starting today we will begin a new book. We have chosen Srimad-Bhagavatam, reading the verses only from Tenth Canto, Chapter Fourteen, which is the first chapter that Prabhupada was not here to translate. We will read the translations of Gopiparanadhana. Chapter Fourteen, “Brahma’s Prayers to Lord Krsna,” contains beautiful slokas praising Krsna by the humbled Lord Brahma. We intend to continue this way throughout the Tenth Canto and through the Eleventh and Twelfth Cantos.
I dreamt I discovered a way to write the truth of the moment. I wrote quickly and clearly. I didn’t hesitate, and I was on target. It was good quality, and I was satisfied, so I assume it was Krsna conscious. I have innumerable dreams in which I am writing in a breakthrough manner, but I cannot capture the “secret” when I am awake. At least I am encouraged that the dreams keep coming. And I think in a small way it helps me to write more freely. I can never actually write as well as I do in my dreams, but they give me encouragement and courage. They make me think that someday I could be stronger and freer and write in the moment.
***
Will these unwanted images be present in my mind in the last hours before my death? I wish to clear them, clean them out. Replace them with Krsna’s pastimes in Vrndavana. Hear and chant in a humble state of mind. But can you pay attention to the syllables of the mantra? Not if some other “stuff” grabs my mind. “Just hear,” he said, and “Hear yourself chanting sincerely.” Later he wrote in letters, “Chant and hear and think of Krsna’s pastimes.”
I think of Krsna lifting Govardhana Hill on the pinky of His left hand. All the residents of Vrndavana were afraid. He gave them shelter from the flooding rains sent by Indra. The gopis had unrestricted darsana for seven days and nights. Think of this as you chant on your beads.
We are having a little trouble deciding on what to read out loud at mealtimes after finishing Caitanya-caritamrta. At first we decided to read the verses only, starting with the Fourteenth Chapter of the Tenth Canto, the first section that Prabhupada didn’t translate. It is translated by Gopiparanadhana. We decided to read the verses only. But after starting off, I became restless. I wanted to hear more about Lord Caitanya. Reading C.c. was so satisfying and ecstatic, that I didn’t feel satiated in hearing the pastimes of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu. So we decided to read Sri Vrndavana dasa Thakura’s Sri Caitanya-bhagavata, with the commentaries by Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakura. We read a few verses, but Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati’s commentaries seemed too technical and did not follow the momentum of the verses. So we have decided to read only the verses of Caitanya-bhagavata. I have read it before and enjoyed it very much. There’s a difference between not reading someone else’s purports and not reading Prabhupada’s purports. We have an obligation to read the Bhaktivedanta purports, but it is not quite the same with reading Hrdayananda Maharaja’s purports, or even Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati’s purports. Prabhupada wrote specifically for us, and he ordered us to read his books. He has given us enough in his own Bhaktivedanta purports that we don’t have to read anyone else. It is good to read translations done by ISKCON devotees who translate in Prabhupada’s spirit, and use his words. For example, Prabhupada uses the Sanskrit phrase sri bhagavan uvaca as “The Supreme Personality of Godhead said.” Others may use the word bhagavan for other personalities, but Prabhupada uses it for Krsna, the Supreme Godhead. So we like to read translators who follow his mood and methods of expressions. It’s one thing to skip the purports and commentaries of other writers, but we must not skip reading of the Bhaktivedanta purports, which were Prabhupada’s “personal ecstasies.”
I have made a new decision in my book production. I finished Volume One of POEMS/ From Every Day, Just Write. It is proofread and is now in the hands of Caitanya-candrodaya for layout and design. I’m getting it ready for printing and distribution on the occasion of the midyear disciple’s meeting on July 6, 2019. I have already begun proofreading the poems for Volume Two. Many of them had jazz references, and so, as with Volume One, I omitted all references to musicians’ names and also too-explicit mentions of jazz itself or listening to it while writing. I was thinking of publishing Volume Two as my next book, but then John Endler came up with a new conception, which he embarrassedly said was “audacious” of him to present to his spiritual master. The idea is to make a small book centered on the worship of Radha-Govinda. The first half would have short prose excerpts from EJW describing the time in Ireland when I was personally bathing and changing the dress of Radha-Govinda. I had many outfits made by my disciple Mahamantra devi dasi. So these prose excerpts describe my actual working as a pujari, and then they describe my simultaneous listening to Rupa Gosvami’s dramas Lalita-madhava and Vidagdha-madhava. These excerpts complement very nicely, and convince the reader that the puja is not to an idol, but Radha and Krsna are present as They are in Rupa Gosvami’s drama. I go back and forth between describing my labors at dressing Them, and describing the action of the dramas. Those prose excerpts are the first half of the booklet.
The second half is a collection of my poems done in Viraha Bhavan (New York) written starting in 2017. Each poem begins with the line, “Radha-Govinda reciprocate with me.” They are straight devotional poems, not wild free-writing as in Volumes One and Two of POEMS/ From Every Day, Just Write. The conception of this small book is that it is a very straight devotional presentation and will be satisfying even to “conservative” devotees.
What are my austerities? I am living as a ksetra-sannyasa, one who stays in one place (a holy place) and takes a vow not to travel. Gadadhara Pandita was a ksetra-sannyasa who stayed in Jagannatha Puri. I stay in Viraha Bhavan and preach by writing. Because of my physical condition, I cannot travel. I cannot walk except by pushing a four-wheeled carriage. I am one of the oldest devotees in ISKCON. At 79, I experience the austerities of old age and several diseases. I tolerate these in a non-depressed mood, but they limit me from more active service. I have accepted that.
I practice the austerity of no association with women, no illicit sex.
I do a good deal of reading. This is a kind of austerity, along with the prescribed quota of sixteen rounds of japa. I try to pay attention. I write for my disciples and devotees in general. I am working on several projects at the same time, a poetry book and a book on my worship of Radha-Govinda. I work hard on these writings, editing them and proofreading them. I read approximately two and a half hours a day, and only in Prabhupada’s books. I’ve given up listening to jazz with a firm vow, and I listen to Prabhupada’s lectures and bhajanas. I have given away my entire jazz CD collection. That was an austerity also.
What do I do that’s not an austerity? The long periods I take throughout the day to receive darsana of Radha-Govinda and my other worshipable Deities is pure pleasure. My Deities are Radha-Govinda and Lord Caitanya and Laksmi-Nrsimha and Srila Prabhupada and Tulasi-devi. Prabhupada invited us to control our tongues by eating krsna-prasadam. We offer the Deities tasty, healthy food and we partake of the remnants after They have eaten. It is not wrong to enjoy the taste of prasadam. But I don’t overeat.
Is it an austerity or a pleasure to receive visitors? I have written about this in my book Visitors and I invite the reader of this journal to read that book. In Visitors I describe that receiving guests is enlivening for me. The meeting of old friends is a source of happiness. But on the other hand, visitors interrupt my solitude and my concentration on the work I have to do alone. So I have ambiguous feelings about visitors. I can’t live without them, but I feel a strain when I have too many visitors. A welcome kind of visitor is a disciple who comes for two or three weeks and actually does needed service in our ashram. I develop relationships with them; I’m grateful that they come to support the understaffed members of Viraha Bhavan. Sometimes devotees come and stay for as much as a month and cook and clean and are willing to do any service they can. They are most welcome.
I am publishing books of poetry that I wrote in the late 1990s. It is an austerity to edit and proofread these poems. They are written in a free writing style and are sometimes too wild. I have to control them. But I appreciate the verve and liveliness that is in them. Looking at these poems and correcting them again and again takes many hours and is an austerity. It’s a difficult thing to do. I was writing in a special, good vein of creativity back then. I want to preserve the history and truth of those poems without watering them down. But I have carefully taken out the names of jazz musicians and too much jazz influence, and tried to make them in parampara. We are calling the publication of these poems written many years ago a “retrospective.”
It is a kind of austerity to live with so few devotees in the ashram. When there are many devotees in kirtana and hearing Srimad-Bhagavatam classes, the spirit is “the more the merrier.” It is an austerity to have a small ashram, because we only have a few devotees to cover all the services that have to be done to maintain the ashram. Our Deity worship standard is very high; we have many Deities, and they all have to be taken care of. We also have many tulasis, and they require careful attention, especially here in the cold weather. But I prefer the ashram with only a few people. Right now it’s not ideal. We are understaffed. We could use one or two more steady members. Actually our core membership is enough. But recently, two inmates were put out of action. Bala (from Trinidad) underwent a difficult surgical operation, and he is still not recovered. The operation was so shocking that his wife was unable to do her duties and was absorbed in taking care of her husband. When the two of them are functioning at full capacity, then we are not understaffed. Technically we do need extra help, but now it’s really bad with our two core members not functioning.
Living in the West, in America, is an austerity for a devotee. We are surrounded by sense gratification and demoniac activities. We remain aloof from it, but there is no support system in society, for our following the four rules against sinful activities and chanting in congregational sankirtana. We are outcasts to our mainstream culture. We counteract this by associating with devotees in our neighborhood, holding festivals on Vaisnava holidays, and simply refraining from the overwhelming influence of sense gratification. Prabhupada used to say we do not actually live in London or New York City. By living in a devotional community, we live in Vaikuntha, in the spiritual world.
Although we are in the midst of frigid, snowy winter, we still have the opulence of gathering fruits, flowers and incense to offer to the Deity. Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati used to say, “There is no scarcity in the world. The only scarcity is of Krsna consciousness.” So this responsibility and challenge falls upon us. Do we have the utsaha, the devotion to make the offerings? Yes, we do.
In the Guruvastakam prayers it is stated that the spiritual master is pleased to teach his disciples how to engage in Deity worship. He is pleased to see them offer nice prasadam and dresses to the Deities. “I offer my respects to such a spiritual master.” So we must have the Deity to offer nice things to. We are not voidists. We need the image of Krsna and Radha or Gaura-Nitai to offer our devotion to. We are fortunate to live in a wealthy country which has abundant bhoga for offering to the Lord. We should take advantage of it and not waste it or use it for sense gratification.
Devotees around the world are often in places where it is poverty-stricken or barren. Still, they can gather a few offerings to make to Krsna. But if you are fortunate to be able to obtain more items, then you should do it. Offer the best things to Krsna. Ultimately, all one needs is devotion.
We are pleased reading out loud Vrndavana dasa Thakura’s Caitanya-bhagavata. The wonderful pastimes of the child Visvambhara go by quickly. He is a superlative, unconquerable scholar in His studies, and a very mischievous boy playing tricks on the people of Navadvipa. We have certainly picked upon a good literature for reading out loud at mealtimes. It’s a good process where we share the reading, each person taking a turn to read about fifteen minutes and then passing it on to another. We are attentive and eager to hear. We don’t allow much independent “commentary” by the devotees, but we concentrate on the text unadulterated. Occasionally something we read is so wonderful that we make an exclamation. We are amazed at how mischievous Nimai is, breaking everything in His house, and making a complete mess. Sacidevi asks Him why is He doing this and now that He has destroyed everything, what will they eat tomorrow? Nimai goes out and comes back with gold, giving it to His mother and telling her to use it to buy provisions. She is uncertain where He gets this gold and if it is actually gold, but she checks it out with others and is assured that it is genuine gold. Some people say Nimai’s mischievous activities resemble the activities they have heard that were performed by the son of Nanda Maharaja, Krsna, long ago. The pastimes are so astounding that we exclaim, “Wow!”, “This is something!” Nimai outright tells the people that He is Narayana and they should offer their wealth to Him. A brahmana comes to Jagannatha Misra’s house and cooks for himself, but Nimai comes and eats the offering. Everyone is upset, but Nimai says, “Why are you complaining? You desired to make the offering to Me, and so I came.” But the people are covered by the Lord’s illusory energy, and so they do not recognize the boy as the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Nimai is outrageous! He goes ballistic in His house, breaking down the doors and ruining everything in the house. At the Ganges He mixes up the clothes of the men and the women, and they are completely disturbed when they can’t find their actual clothing. He grabs the feet of the respectable brahmanas when they are standing in the water saying their solemn Gayatri mantras. He spits on people after they take their bath and throws sand on them. He tells the girls that if they don’t give Him their offerings which they are making to their Deity, He will see to it that they get old husbands with many co-wives. Sometimes the girls get frightened by His statements and come beside Him. Sometimes the girls say they will tell the king, but He says He is not afraid of Jagannatha Misra or the king. His scholarship is phenomenal. He studies under Gangadasa Pandita and becomes his best disciple. He establishes an argument and then refutes that argument with a contrary one. Then He again establishes the original argument. None of the boys can defeat Him. He proudly roams among the hundreds of disciples in Navadvipa and challenges them and defeats them in scholarly arguments. I am so glad that we are getting more caitanya-lila.
I am proofreading my poems for the second time, for Volume Two of POEMS/ From Every Day, Just Write. I hesitated, thinking they were too wild, but on reading them again, I like them and I want to publish them. Here is an example of one written around 1997 in Wicklow, Ireland:
Rainy day bright lamplight.
Don’t complain, you’re not a slug
or a cow or grass blade. You’re
a human in Ireland in boots
in Swami’s army. You get a
little taste of body’s miseries
just to teach you . . .
Now, I tell you be a
river. Be a river run
by a soul as the
holy sastra says and you can say
brook running from the
hills in Wicklow.
I am uncheerful? No
I run this way in
rain gear singing for
the life of me.
Master will at least
claim me as his own.
Slow son he picked up
and who’s dressed and shaven still in recognition of
that day.
Krsna dasi is returning today after almost three weeks in Trinidad. We all miss her very much. Some of the devotees who have stepped in and done the Deity worship have done it in a way that is not very pleasing to me. (The exception was Visakha dasi, who taught Krsna dasi how to dress Deities.) I give them tips how Krsna dasi dresses Them, but they don’t follow through and do it. I’m not even sure whether they are sending the photographs to all the websites when we change the dresses. And Krsna dasi’s husband, Bala, is morose without his wife. He’s living in an empty nest. Krsna dasi does so many nice services that we don’t even realize until she’s gone. She puts flowers on the altar, bouquets, takes care of Tulasi-devi . . . She’s also the money manager, and Baladeva is eager to turn over the money management to Krsna-dasi, because he’s not good at it. He’s been working on a deadline to get everything ready for our accountants by February 1st. He’s in anxiety. He has been going through the mail, which was unopened by him for three months. Now he’s at least got it in a semblance of order so that he can turn it over to Krsna dasi. Baladeva didn’t do the work because he went into a medical depression when Bala had his crisis of emergency surgery. As Bala grappled with his crisis, Baladeva had a crisis of his own and couldn’t function in opening the mail and dealing with the bills. Krsna dasi was taking care of Bala, and so she couldn’t deal with paperwork and bills either, which we are trying to do for the accountants who demanded it by February 1st. So it’s “Krsna dasi to the rescue.”
I feel deserted when one of the core members of the ashram leaves. I was especially disturbed by Krsna dasi’s departure for Trinidad because she didn’t tell me about it. I discovered on my own only that she was going to New York City, and when I asked her why she was going she gave a little laugh and said, “I’m going to Trinidad.” Bala’s crisis has been a crisis for all of us. He’s out of action for a long time. We don’t know when he will fully be back into action. So I feel sorry about his absence as a regular worker. I don’t like it when Baladeva Vidyabhusana leaves, as he sometimes does when he goes to Rochester for an obligated visit to Ishvara Govinda and his family, or when he goes to join Rama Raya for the harinam in New York City. We have so few people here as our steady base, that missing even one of them, makes me uneasy. But competent visitors are a relief. Just now Sankarsana dasa from Potomac is here for close to three weeks. He comes like that every year at this time and does responsible services in cooking and cleaning and taking a turn reading at mealtime. He’s also good at fixing things. He sees little things that can be improved, and he does it.
I want to write freely. John and I have the understanding, which is found in my writing, that I don’t want to present dogma, but I like to use the word and concept of ars poetica. Ars poetica means “a treatise on the art of literary and especially poetic composition.” By ars poetica I mean I want my writing expression to be an art form. I want it to be in parampara, but I want it to be artistic and in a free way. This is very important to me.