I am grateful to the Lord for allowing me to chant. I was able to chant at a decently rapid pace but became confused as to when I actually finished a round. I paid attention to the syllables with a controlled mind. My mind did not go “all over the universe” but stuck with the maha-mantra. I chanted in a low, audible voice.
******
Rupa Gosvami has written a beautiful prayer, Namastakam, praising the holy names. I have not memorized the verses, but I want to get a copy of Namastakam and become familiar with it. I also want to become more familiar with Lord Caitanya’s Siksastakam, which is so intimately connected with hari-nama. “One should chant the holy names in a humble state of mind, thinking oneself lower than the straw in the street, more tolerant than a tree, and ready to offer all respects to others but not expecting honor in return. In such a state of mind, one can chant the holy names of the Lord constantly.”
******
I have faith that the Hare Krishna mantra is Krishna. It is my practice of the “Jesus Prayer.” We japa chanters go speedy. We know the art.
******
Prabhupada writes, “The real essence of sabda brahma is the chanting of the Hare Krishna mantra. . . . This Hare Krishna is nondifferent from the Personality of Godhead,” and he wrote that inattentive chanting is offensive. I am attentive to the thirty-two syllables.
******
Prabhupada again says that we should not imitate the behavior of Haridasa Thakura. He says the spiritual master gives different orders to different disciples, and we should carry them out. “Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu asked Nityananda Prabhu to go to Bengal and preach, and He asked the Goswamis, Rupa and Sanatana, to go to Vrindavana and excavate the lost places of pilgrimage. In this case, the Lord asked Haridasa Thakura to remain there at Jagannatha Puri and constantly chant the holy names of the Lord. Thus, Caitanya Mahaprabhu gave different persons different orders. No one who is worthy of being called a Vaishnava should try to imitate Haridasa Thakura and chant the maha-mantra in a secluded place. What such an imitator wants is popularity and not the actual qualifications of Haridasa Thakura. If a person tries to imitate him, he will fall down from his neophyte position and think of women and money. Thus his so-called chanting in a secluded place will bring about his downfall.”
******
You don’t try for an ideal time, you just chant quickly, and it comes out at its own pace. The sound vibration is made up of Hares, Krishnas and Ramas scientifically arranged in a formula, Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama Hare Rama, Rama Rama Hare Hare. You follow that structure, breathing naturally. You don’t cut the “Ramas” to “Ram” or the “Krishnas” to “Krish” or “Hare” to “Har,” but say all thirty-two syllables for a maha-mantra. Link them. And as you utter them, you gather your being for a cry or call to Krishna, “Please accept me, please let me serve You.” There are many ways to serve, and the first way is by the tongue, by uttering the names of Radha and Krishna, joining Hare and Rama, the Supreme Enjoyer. “Please let me serve You,” that’s what it means. Please let me chant. Please keep my mind fixed on the sounds, on the shape and texture of the Hare Krishna mantra. Please keep my mind entwined in the stems of the lotus flower. It is such a nice thing when executed rightly.
******
The best part of the chanting is thinking how one is eligible to chant, even from the lowest platform. Krishna accepts your attempt. Krishna’s desire for us to chant with Him is infinite. So even if we chant poorly, He appreciates the good intent. As it is said, bhava grahi janardana, Krishna sees the good in what we are doing.
******
I’m very fortunate to have the time for japa. Some householders say they don’t have time in the day to chant. Somehow one has to complete the vow, rising early, by chanting faster, by completing the balance on coming home from work. In my book California Search for Gold, I tell of a time when I wasn’t chanting sixteen rounds due to anxiety and the after-effects of medicine. Gradually I worked my way back to sixteen rounds. It’s now a solid commitment. I hope it continues in Vrndavana. It will be different there, not as comfortable. But I’ll follow my own schedule without social pressure. Stay in my room and chant early, just as I do here in the yellow submarine. Beside the added austerities, there is liable to be an advantage to chanting in Vraja.
******
Srila Prabhupada says further, “As far as devotional service is concerned, even hearing and chanting is as good as acting with our body, mind and senses. Actually, hearing and chanting are also activities of the senses” (SB 4.24.78, purport).
******
Dhanurdhara Swami and I read from a book, Roadblocks in the Path of Bhakti, by Prabhupada Sri Sri 108 Tinkodi Goswami Maharaja’s most fallen servant, Sri Binod Bihari dasa. It was good. It discussed the many kinds of aparadhas and nindas (offenses) one commits against the holy names. The book is in the form of a dialogue of a disciple with his guru. The disciple is asking how come he has lost his taste for chanting. It is due to offenses against the holy names, and the worst offense is offending the Vaisnavas.
******
“‘The pious results derived from chanting a thousand holy names of Visnu three times can be obtained by only one utterance of the holy name of Krishna.”
“‘According to this statement of the sastras, the glories of the holy name of Krishna are unlimited. Still I could not chant this holy name. Please hear the reason for this.
“’My worshipable Lord has been Lord Ramacandra, and by chanting His holy name I received happiness. Because I received such happiness, I chanted the holy name of Lord Rama day and night.
“‘By Your appearance, Lord Krishna’s holy name has also appeared, and at that time the glories of Krishna’s name awoke in my heart.
“‘Sir, You are that Lord Krishna Himself. This is my conclusion.’
“Saying this, the brahmana fell down at the lotus feet of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu” (Cc. Madhya-lila 9.33-37).
******
Lord Caitanya replied to the Buddhist disciples, “You should all chant the names of Krishna and Hari very loudly near the ear of your spiritual master” (Cc. Madhya-lila 9.50). When they did this, their spiritual master regained consciousness, and he also began to chant the holy name of Lord Hari. In actuality, they all became Vaisnava devotees as a result of this chanting. But it was the disciples of the Buddhist guru who chanted. They chanted, and he responded, so they were his guru, and he was the disciple.
******
Many people used to come and see Him, and as soon as they saw Him, all their unhappiness and distress vanished. Also, after seeing Him, they all chanted the Hare Krishna maha-mantra. “Indeed, they did not chant anything but Hare Krishna maha-mantra, and all of them became Lord Krishna’s devotees. Thus the general populace was astonished” (Cc. Madhya-lila 9.90).
******
Please, Lord, give me mercy to cry out Your names in the maha-mantra. Let me do it better. The daily japa yajna is the most important thing, and yet I cannot cry out with tears of love. You have made Yourself most accessible in Your holy names, but unfortunately I commit offenses and do not have full taste for chanting. Somehow I have fallen into this ocean of material suffering, and I cannot extricate myself. I beg You to pick me up and make me one of the atoms at Your lotus feet.
******
Despite my neglect in chanting, You remain close to me and are always ready to take me back. You remain as my best friend, enclosed in my heart. You never turn your back on me, although I fail in many ways to reciprocate with You in the easy, sublime method You have given. When will the day ever come when I will taste the nectar of the holy names? Prabhupada has written that we should keep our hearts clean, the way Lord Caitanya and His associates cleaned the Gundica Mandir. Make a throne in your heart, and Krishna will sit there and be honored and pleased to bestow His bliss upon you. First reach the point of regretting your neglect of Him and feel intense unworthiness. Then realize the gift is still open for you. Then perform austerity for controlling the mind and fully embracing hari-nama; Krishna will not abandon you.
pp. 5-8
Dear holy name,
Please accept my humble obeisances at your lotus feet. All glories to the pure devotees of Lord Caitanya who bring the names of Radha and Krsna into this world.
I dare to address myself to You, Nama Frabhu, only because I am under the direction of my spiritual master, His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. As stated in the Caitanya-caritamrta, krsna-sakti vina nahe tara pravartana. Unless a person is empowered directly by Krsna, he cannot spread the holy names all over the world. Srila Prabhupada has spread the glories of Krsna’s movement to every town and village, so I’m sure that Srila Prabhupada is very dear to You. I am writing as one of his disciples.
Srila Prabhupada brought the holy name into my heart and mind and put it on my tongue so that it might be my constant companion. He did this in the summer of 1966 when he began the International Society for Krsna Consciousness in New York City. I was among the sorry-looking persons who came there out of the Lower East Side scene. I wasn’t looking for the Swami or the Hare Krsna mantra, but I am happy beyond any dream I might have for happiness with what I received from Srila Prabhupada. Therefore I want to thank You, Holy Name, for appearing in my life. And I make it the aim of my life to try to please Srila Prabhupada by chanting and distributing this precious commodity of hari-nama, either by encouraging people to chant privately (japa), or to take part in congregational chanting (kirtana).
Srila Rupa Gosvami writes,
“The holy name, character, pastimes and activities of Krsna are all transcendentally sweet like sugar candy. Although the tongue afflicted by the jaundice of avidya (ignorance) cannot taste anything sweet, it is wonderful that simply by carefully chanting these sweet names every day, a natural relish awakens within his tongue, and his disease is gradually destroyed at the root.” (Nectar of Instruction, text 7)
Lord Caitanya has described in His Siksastakam verse that when we begin to chant, we do not find the innate sweet taste which resides in the syllables of the Hare Krsna mantra. He says we cannot taste the sweetness of the holy names because we commit offenses. I am bereft of the sweet taste of the holy names. I don’t like to speak of this before You because it may seem I am implying that You are not sweet or that You are not merciful. I don’t mean that. I have faith in the purity and absolute nature of the holy name. But my faith is theoretical. I accept the injunction of the scriptures that the holy name is nondifferent from Krsna and that if we chant carefully and devotedly, that realization of krsna-nama will arise in our hearts like the waxing moon. I also have faith that even the offensive or “shadow” chanting I am doing now will liberate me from the reactions of sins I have committed. But I am hankering for the realization of the holy name which leads to love of Krsna.
When I thought of writing You, O Holy Name, my initial motive was to ask forgiveness for my offenses. I am perhaps afflicted with each of the ten offenses against the holy name, even though I don’t always perceive that fact clue to complacency. But the offense which I do perceive most clearly is the offense known as pramada, inattention. Although each morning I chant as early as possible, and although I chant in a quiet place, my mind soon races away from the prize of attentive chanting and gives me instead a consciousness filled with plans, worries, and so many other distractions. Therefore, I don’t chant the pure names of Krsna (suddha-nama). It is my desire that within this lifetime I may attain Your mercy so that I can chant with love.
And so I recite the words of Bhaktivinoda Thakura:
When, oh when will that day be mine?
When my offenses ceasing, taste for the name increasing.
When in my heart will your mercy shine?
When, oh when, will that day be mine.
O Holy Name, I hope to write to You again as I traverse this bhakti-marga. In Dear Sky, I am writing many people, but I thought it best to start with a letter to my constant companion, the holy name. Please allow me to tell whomever I meet to chant Hare Krsna. And if You give me a drop of mercy for chanting suddha-nama, then I will be enthusiastic to pass that on to others.
pp. 136-140
I am after self-improvement in Krsna consciousness. I will be able to write better letters. Just imagine if every letter I wrote could have so much Krsna conscious presence that the receiver would actually want to apply it. If I was empowered, I might write to someone and tell them about tolerance or patience or humility in Krsna consciousness, or prayer or hope or faith. I would be able to describe these things in such a way that they would be treasured in the letter, and be read again and again—a prayer or mantra emblazoned on the mind.
He who makes writing his bhajana may seem odd to others. He beats his own type of “drum” and plays his own style of “harmonium.”
One devotee wrote me asking if I thought it is all right that he go to Bangladesh in order to learn the art of expert mrdanga and harmonium playing. I thought, “He plays well enough already. Why does he want to be better?” But from a devotee-musician point of view, there is a difference. There is something wonderful to be achieved by studying under those who know the esoteric traditions. This is just an example of someone wanting to improve his art. With better skill and more absorption, he may actually be able to lift people’s hearts in kirtana to feelings of love of God. But an outsider thinks, “Why go to Bangladesh? Why improve on mrdanga? It’s just sense gratification.” And by voicing this, the desire is killed.
Write your books. At least you will be satisfied you tried. What is that line in Walden? “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”
But what does this have to do with my salvation? And what is salvation?
I just heard a car pull up. Maybe Baladeva is back and will slide something under my door. Something new to divert me, to keep me going, and yet I am self-contained if I only knew it. How much more external input do I need? Haven’t I heard enough and lived enough to draw my own conclusions? What am I waiting for?
Where is the source of the outpouring of krsna-bhakti for the 21st century? Should I go to Russia to taste it? Do I need to learn something in Bangladesh? Do I have to go back to the streets of Boston to learn what I avoided learning? Why did I miss my chance in Amherst? Will everything have to be done over? If so, how will I become successful the second time around and not repeat the same mistakes? How will I succeed this time in surrendering to Lord Caitanya’s sankirtana movement?
I went to the door, but there was nothing there, not yet. The traffic is roaring like the surf at Jagannatha Puri. The summer produces ease. Sit at your desk and write.
What is needed is for everyone to find a place in this movement to work. Be satisfied with simple preaching work. Distribute the knowledge of Krsna consciousness in whatever ways are open to you. Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Maharaja said, “When you go to preach, even if no one attends, you can speak to the walls.” You can speak to the four direc¬tions and to the moon and the sun. Tell everyone you meet about Krsna.
But to do this we must be hearing. Otherwise, it becomes a farce. Hear and desire to hear, and then, one day, Krsna may appear within us an overwhelming truth—the only Truth. There are already so many books written in pure Krsna consciousness—why read anything else? Make Him your sole truth.
A devotee confessed to me, “I have been working for Krsna for ten years, but I have no realization at all of His personal existence.” I know what that’s like. Twenty-five years of no realization? We mean very little realization. We do mean emptiness void of love. When we look within, we see pictures from television, billboards, material stuff. We don’t see Krsna, and it makes us sorry. But we go on serving anyway. We are afraid that if Krsna would storm our hearts, we would become so proud that we would ruin it in a minute. We are not fit for love of Krsna. This devotee who confessed said, “I think I need to practice more austerity.”
Learned circles have positively concluded that the infallible purpose of the advancement of knowledge, namely austerities, study of the Vedas, sacrifice, chanting of hymns and charity, culminates in the transcendental descriptions of the Lord, who is defined in choice poetry.
This is Narada’s summation. All knowledge culminates in the transcendental descriptions of the Lord, who is known as Uttamasloka. Vyasadeva should therefore write in that spirit. We may say that what Vyasadeva wrote previously was wrong because it was incomplete, or we may say that everything he has done has led up to where he is going now. In any case, direct Krsna consciousness is the goal. “Please do it more vividly, O incarnation of God.”
Srila Prabhupada’s purport doesn’t specifically focus on Vyasadeva’s need to describe Krsna consciousness more directly but on the need for all educated persons to do so. Vaisnavas do not deny the value of academic or artistic pursuits, but they are interested only in those pursuits as they are dovetailed in devotional service. “This perfection of life culminates in the realization of the Supreme Being, Visnu.”
Unfortunately, most so-called learned persons fall under the spell of maha-maya and perform their work to increase their sense gratification, not to glorify God. It is wrong to understand anything in this cosmos as separate from Visnu. Nowadays, such thoughts are considered fundamentalism. People have forgotten both the purpose and the source of their own lives. Therefore, when they do seek out the divine, they stop with themselves and become impersonalists.
This purport recommends using art, science, philosophy, psychology, and all other branches of knowledge solely in the Lord’s service. We may take Prabhupada’s encouragement in this regard for our endeavors in these fields. Live your life and occupation, but make it Krsna conscious. ISKCON is a preaching mission. “Art, literature, poetry, painting, etc., may be used in glorifying the Lord. The fiction writers, poets and celebrated litterateurs are generally engaged in writing of sensuous subjects, but if they turn towards the service of the Lord they can describe the transcendental pastimes of the Lord.” If we fail to do this, we are acting on nescience.
A common question in this regard is whether devotees should make a thorough study of a material field of knowledge in order to preach to people in that field, or whether that study is a distraction from pure bhakti. Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakura offered this guideline: one should turn over to Krsna whatever talents he already possesses and he should not invest intense energy in gaining more material knowledge. Aside from the preaching value, it is not necessary to gather more material knowledge.
Therefore, devotees have often advised those who have come to Krsna consciousness with a high material education to continue to use it in Krsna’s service, and those who have not, to preach in any way they can. “Advanced people are eager to understand the Absolute Truth through the medium of science, and therefore a great scientist should endeavor to prove the existence of the Lord on a scientific basis.” We imagine great scientists becoming Krsna conscious and then turning over their knowledge or influence to prove the truths of the Bhagavatam. Although God cannot be proven by material scientific methods, people are so mesmerized by science that they tend to be impressed when the same spiritual information is considered from a scientific point of view. Similarly, one who is well versed in professional philosophy or logic can fashion theistic arguments that rigorous thinkers will accept.
Still, although this kind of preaching is valuable, it is not always advisable for someone who is already on the bhakti path but who does not possess such education to invest time and energy to acquire it. The value of such material education has to be judged according to time, place, and person. To acquire a material education, a devotee may have to risk his spiritual life. He must attend the mundane universities and associate with nondevotees. Not everyone can withstand the pressure academic studies place on their sadhana either.
pp. 22-24
Krsna was God before there was God (in any other religion).
I have always been a soul.
It’s too late to rain.
I better hook on . . .
Be cautious, slow down, bed down, lone, clean celibate, praise the brahmacaris and householders too,
praise the okay KC movement,
its pennant in the breeze.
“He was away four weeks in Morocco preaching,” his wife said.
This is all stuff in my head from letters I pass on to you. In search of a fictive eye
a poem
a KC satisfaction.
You may have stopped committing sins, but you’ll get the reaction to them later, in misery and pain. Devotional service, however, wipes away all sins. It is pavitram, pure and potent.
Yellow and blue flags. We’re parked in a large complex that includes petrol station, restaurant, picnic tables, and parking spots for cars and trucks. We could stay here safely overnight, but M. may want to travel a little further. I’m able, but wish I had more writing drive and shape. Lying in the back, I invite the Krsna conscious muse and wait. Isn’t it true that good writing for the devotees will come only when I am enthusiastic about devotional life? I can’t fake it. Or not for long.
Wind rushing through metal, rolling of tires—a music of its own. Sounded like violins screeching and sighing an outcast song.
We decided to drive for two more hours today and then stop for the night. M. is wearing his new white sneakers, which he says are safer for driving than his slide-off sandals. Everything nice about lunch and travel so far, but the purpose starts to lie a little heavily, emptily. I find the questions rising quietly inside me: “Why are we here? Where are we going? What are we doing? Why this? Why go to Italy and temples? What can we add or gain there?” But a poor sannyasi has to travel to seek God and to speak krsna-katha. Certainly many other sannyasis and competent lecturers and surrendered devotees are also going this route.
The devotees in the temples know I’m not the best, and they know they are not the best either. Srila Prabhupada sits on the vyasasana. He is the best, so tell us about him, of your love for him, about how you serve his mission.
How can we be tired of repeating the same teachings when someone raises their hand and asks a question with the sincere anxiety that troubles produce, willing to hear my realization—what can I say? “I heard Srila Prabhupala’s reply to this. He said—” He said chant Hare Krsna, hear about Krsna. Su-sukham (Bhagavad-gita 9.2). Offer food to Krsna, sing His praises, hear philosophical lectures. You mean that? That’s the “joyful”? And spread Krsna consciousness.
Say those old standard lines
as long as I roll on still-good tires,
and can sit up straight,
and can mean them
even when they are translated into Italian.
How is your health, pal?
I have a disease that I can’t find satisfaction in brave preaching or sustained bhajana. Could go deeper though, by discipline, in Cc. (Told another disciple I wrote to that discipline simply means practice, like an Olympic athlete—but first you have to have serious purpose, and that’s achieved by hearing in sastra. Know the goal and go for it.)
But how are you doing after a long day of travel past Dijon, Nancy, Lyons, and all that?
I saw the red and white flag on a pole blowing out horizontally when the wind was strong. Life on the highway, trying to decipher safety signs in French, feeling fatigued, then seeing some sign for “pneu,” which I think has to do with tires. If your tires aren’t inflated enough, you could be in danger.
Cote d’Or. The sky is getting darker; that’s English-American. I forget who I was then, but the past lives on anyway. E. Leclerc is the name of the petrol station. Madhu is getting self-serve gas for our stove and heating system. I’m scratching here. Wishing. . . waiting.
It’s silly I know.
Oh E. Leclerc
it’s time you took your
second pill of the day.
“How is it riding back there?”
It’s dark but comfortable if you want to just lie back patiently, but I can’t read or write or hear tapes. I should be in Vrndavana (Karttika) or at a meeting to discuss varnasrama.
pp. 80-82
[Harideva]:
I asked Gaura-Krsna Swami a simple question: When should a person consider taking sannyasa? His reply came almost as a torrent. He told the story of a brahmana from Avanti (I think this story comes from Srimad-Bhagavatam) who was very wealthy, a zamindar, and also a great miser. He did not dress or feed himself properly, and he also starved his family and never gave them anything but rags to wear. He accumulated tremendous wealth throughout his life.
One time while he was away from home, his relatives plundered all his riches from the strongboxes where he hid them. When the brahmana returned and saw the empty boxes, he was devastated. But he thanked Krsna and then took to the renounced life.
The Avanti brahmana went to a nearby village and sat on the bank of a river to perform bhajana and austerities. But he was unable to eat whatever little fruit he could beg because people came and disturbed him. They all knew him from the old days when they used to borrow money from him and he charged them excessive interest. So they thought, “He is just taking to this monk’s life in order to make a living in a different way.” People doubted his sincerity.
The young boys took advantage of him and stole his danda, his topcloth, and would not even let him eat in peace. Every time he tried to eat whatever little rice he begged, the boys would throw sand in it or take it away. They tried to get him to retaliate, but this brahmana remained silent. He thought to himself, “Are these people the cause of my suffering or happiness? No. Is this unhappiness due to my karma? Is it due to Paramatma? No. It is only due to my mind. Therefore, let me control my mind and fix it on Krsna.”
Gaura-Krsna Maharaja then quoted a verse that went like this:
etam sa asthaya paratma-nistham
adhyasitam purvatamair maharsibhih
aham tarisyami duranta-param
tamo mukundanghri-nisevayaiva
—Bhag. 11.23.57I shall cross over the insurmountable ocean of nescience by being firmly fixed in the service of the lotus feet of Krsna. This was approved by the previous acaryas, who were fixed in firm devotion to the Lord, Paramatma, the Supreme Personality of Godhead.
And so the brahmana resolved to be renounced and to take shelter of Krsna, in whom great sages have always taken shelter. Thus they are guaranteed to cross over the ocean of birth and death.
Gaura-Krsna Swami went on speaking. He captivated me with his rendering of the story, but then he began to criticize household life in a general way. I thought he overdid it. I felt like telling him about my own wife and what a saintly person she is. But I figured he would think I was just a henpecked husband.
At least his talk has succeeded in getting me to think more seriously about sannyasa. He even went so far as to say, “A grhastha cannot preach.”
“But what about me, Maharaja, I am a grhastha.”
“No,” he said, “you are living more like a vanaprastha.”
Of course, I am interested in living a completely celibate life, and Gaura-Krsna Maharaja is speaking only what is stated in the sastra—that attachment to wife and family bind one to the material world. He said if one takes to the renounced life, then again becomes interested in family and returns to it, it is like vomiting and eating that vomit. It is his duty to speak like this.
I have been a family man my whole life, but a restrained one. He is just making me face the facts that at fifty years old, one should turn his back on sex pleasure once and for all. In its subtle forms too, sex appears as profit, adoration, and distinction.
I agree with all this. I don’t disagree. But maybe he doesn’t know that Chayadevi is a different sort of person than the materialistic clinging woman. So I walk on and don’t talk about it.
pp. 55-59
I am reminded of my pada-yatra theme. It’s a description of endurance despite blisters, other drives, occasional forgetfulness of the goal. When I doubt the point of this writing, I think endurance.
In her book Pictures of Childhood, Alice Miller writes:
“Franz Kafka once noted in his diary that a writer must cling to his desk “by his teeth” in order to avoid the madness that would overtake him if he stopped writing. I suppose the same could be said of every creative activity that somehow permits us to come to grips with the demons of our past, to give form to the chaos within us, and thereby to master our anxiety.”
Miller said she began to deal with her own anxiety by drawing. She found that writing didn’t actually help her contact her anxiety, so she tried drawing. She was able to connect with her inner child, the seat of her anxiety, by drawing, but she found that her inner child lacked the language to express the pain. Therefore, she allowed the child to speak through the colors.
In my writing, I too seek healing. I don’t want to become another disenfranchised monk, thinking I have outgrown my vows. The “weaker brothers and sisters” are my disciples and they are real people. I too am a weaker son who needs to follow his guru—weaker, because I’m always in need of revitalization. I find it in self-honesty.
I want to pray as I write. Prayer does not mean only restating sastric maxims. Rather, it requires that we focus on our purpose when we pray. Prayer is not a journey of the imagination but of the heart. There’s no point pretending. The prayer journey has to be real and it has to be personal. Maybe that’s why Alice Miller’s words appealed to me—her inner child found language through the medium of color.
I find my language not so much through writing itself but through improvisation. I continually search for and find what’s new in myself by experimenting and playing with the old. I give myself over to the understanding of the moment because it seems to follow its own laws and to elude supervision or censorship. As soon as I attempt to give it direction, to reflect, to work more slowly, I interfere with my own process of discovery and my progress is impeded. The end result may look technically proficient, but I find it boring because it does not speak my deepest language.
Miller describes how she drew inspiration from the great artists by sometimes trying to copy their paintings. Then she realized she was missing the point. “It was as though I was searching for encouragement from an accomplice, not from a master of the craft.” The great artists had to be springboards into her own mind and emotions; she did not need to imitate them. She describes how Turner, Goya, and Cezanne became accomplished masters, then felt they had to go beyond what they were doing to discover new expression. Often they were criticized, but they broke new ground. She concludes that art requires courage.
Actually, art requires more than courage. “Perhaps it is more accurate to say that art has to do with need and not with accomplishment, for artists often have no choice but to risk being ostracized, scorned, and rejected for articulating their own truths. At stake is the survival of one’s authentic self, and in this regard there is no alternative but to try to survive.”
We are often imprisoned in the cage of our own abilities and routines. We think routine equals security. If we are to find our own language, we need to break free again and again. Otherwise, our articulation will not remain constantly real and personal. It will not remain prayer.
I don’t know what all this means to me in practical terms. I seem to think I can only take small steps at any one time. I play with words, “raid the inarticulate” when I write, and become more and more willing to express pain if that’s what’s needed. . . . I answer letters and claim they interrupt me. Nouwen writes:
“A few years ago I met an old professor at the University of Notre Dame. Looking back on his long life of teaching, he said with a funny twinkle in his eyes: ‘I’ve always been complaining that my work was constantly interrupted, until slowly I discovered that the interruptions were my work.’
“That is the great conversion in our life: to recognize and believe that the many unexpected events are not just disturbing interruptions of our project, but the way in which God molds our hearts and prepares us for His return.”
As they happen to me each day, things are meaningful. Later I forget the essence of it, and so it’s no longer important. They may be compared to when you have a dream. The dream is meaningful, but if you don’t take the time to record it, it completely disappears. Therefore, I write things down at the time when they still have meaning to me, while they’re happening. Then later there’ll be a record which will be helpful to read for Krsna consciousness.
Just came from the physical exercises. Madhusudana dasa could see me bending forward and back. Old-timer, let the words fly. You are right. A red light is flashing. You said you’ll say the truth and let it go? After I die the well-wishers will say, “He sacrificed his spiritual life to give us this, and that is the best you can do.” All right, but don’t throw away life for some literary endeavors. Save yourself, I kept telling Madhusudana last night. It’s the most important thing, even more important than preaching. First, you save yourself. He looked back at me a bit blank on that one. I can’t tell him how to find a wife or local friends in Krsna consciousness. I just tell him you have to be a devotee under any circumstance. So, try to improve, but now chant and hear. I don’t want to get entangled in many troubled lives. Feel them pulling me into the ocean. Oh, it should be that way? But you have to skillfully give them help and not be weighed down by their bodies and troubles. How to do it so that you don’t appear uncompassionate? Give them some instructions.
While reading Cc. recently I regularly saw references to the highest conclusions of madhurya rasa, given as SP wanted us to have it, and straight from the nectar that is Cc., that is Lord Caitanya in His mood of Radharani.
So, you’ve got to read not only that stuff. But there is no harm in regularly reading Cc. No harm at all! And Krishna speaks directly to me in Bhagavad-gita, smashing doubts. All the books. And if I can stay close and true to SP, I can venture into reading books like Caitanya-bhagavata and Vidagdha-madhava and see it in his way.
Reading his books is a wonderful career for me. I can use retreats in that way.
I told Madhu that I wrote a letter today to Manu appreciating him as perhaps the only reader nowadays of my private-edition books. I mentioned the reasons why they cannot be widely read: 1) secret of retreats; 2) raw confessions; 3) too many words, etc. I said, however, that they were each written as books to be read. Madhu countered and said aren’t they written even beyond the desire to create a book? He mentioned Forgetting the Audience. Yes, I admitted that. Both are true. They are individual books shaped for people to read; and they are also written for myself, as an act of writing. Both. All.
Jack Kerouac influence creaking in. Let it creak out. Let SB creak in. The book I read in ’66 and slowed down to learn of the Lord, Lord Krishna, First Canto, Indian edition. Been going on with it since then. Still read it.
Life is lonely.
I feel some ebbing in the writing life. But it is my life, writing and reading, reading and writing.
I can’t do either one of them unlimitedly. Tried to live the life of full-time reading Prabhupada’s books in Geaglum. Could have stayed there permanently. But I lack ability (so far) to dive completely into that sort of life.
Some travel and temple visits, just enough to whet my appetite for the next retreat. And I do like that service of lecturing again. The present balance is good, and Madhu knows how to maintain it.
My purpose at Isola di Albarella – to find balance again, my desire to live in solitude, to read and write, to come out of it to lecture.
pp. 170-173
Prabhupada’s worship of Radha-Krishna is deeper than anyone else’s. He lived in poverty and had no worldly influence, but he wanted grand worship of Radha-Krishna in the world. He pioneered. He went to America alone at sixty-nine years old in ill health and tried to start something all alone. We have to imagine what it was like to be all alone with no prospects. All he had was faith and confidence in the order of his spiritual master and the desire of Krishna. You can say these were intangibles, because they didn’t pay for food or rent or shoes or a winter coat. By not returning soon on Scindia steam lines on his free return ticket, he risked the possibility of becoming like a homeless man, or doing as Scindia’s secretary thought, dying in America from ill health.
He had difficult days, but he called them happy days. Now in this photo he has passed through so much, and he is near the end of his life. He has achieved success. He is looking upon the Deities, and They are looking back at him. Anyone who thinks the Deity is simply made of stone and not Krishna is fit to live in hell, according to Srimad-Bhagavatam. Prabhupada is not looking at a marble statue. He is very grateful and satisfied to see the Deity smiling at all the devotees and blessing them. He has installed Them, and They will personally stand and give Their darsana to thousands of devotees for probably hundreds of years. Why should it stop? He has installed dozens of Deities like this around the world, and his followers have continued to do it. He has emphasized book distribution, but Jiva Gosvami said Deity worship is also necessary for purification. Prabhupada has purified the world with Deity worship.
Dear Srila Prabhupada, whatever I do I must come to you in your pure form like I did this morning reading another little section in Caitanya-caritamrta. That’s where I make my bridge to you without any doubt. I become the reader again. There’s no change in that from 1967. Reading then, reading now. Reading better we hope, new lights, becoming a more mature devotee. Struggling through the doubts that were perhaps covered in those days. I don’t want to idealize those days. I may have covered over a lot of stuff, or by Prabhupada being present we may have been lifted up by him like children in their father’s arms. Now we have to admit things that we couldn’t admit then, still as you go through that you may be sadder but wiser. Now you’re more aware of your obvious limits. The days of your life are shortening. And the Hare Krishna movement is also sadder but wiser. I can definitely connect with you by reading I’m saying.
This morning I read in the Caitanya-caritamrta the different devotees coming to the Lord and surrendering to Him. The latest I read was Svarupa Damodara. They come and lay flat before the Lord. Now that He’s back from His tour they want to join Him permanently in His Jagannatha Puri pastimes. Svarupa Damodara got such intimate service by his high intelligence. He prepared himself by being a humble sannyasi who didn’t accept the formalities of sannyasa but studied and stayed alone and loved Krishna and then came and joined as a qualified person. Then came Govinda the servant of Isvara Puri. Isvara Puri said to him at the time of his passing away, “When I pass away your service will be over as my bodily servant. Now you go and do the same service for Lord Caitanya.” Lord Caitanya is the Godbrother of Govinda, but Govinda was given that order by their guru.
I’m so puffed-up. What a fool I am, Prabhupada. Let me just think of myself and my position as reading your books and reading about these great souls. Chadiya vaisnava-seva nistara payeche keba? Who can become liberated except by the mercy of the pure devotee? Pure devotees are called Prabhupada. Pure devotees have no desire but to spread Krishna consciousness all over the world as Krishna desires. They are very dear to Krishna, there will never be one more dear. This is you, Srila Prabhupada. Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare/ Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare.
To Śrīla Prabhupāda, who encouraged his devotees (including me) To write articles and books about Kṛṣṇa Consciousness.
I wrote him personally and asked if it was alright for his disciples to write books, Since he, our spiritual master, was already doing that. He wrote back and said that it was certainly alright For us to produce books.
I have a personal story to tell. It is a about a time (January–July 1974) I spent as a personal servant and secretary of my spiritual master, His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupäda, founder-äcärya of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness. Although I have written extensively about Çréla Prabhupäda, I’ve hesitated to give this account, for fear it would expose me as a poor disciple. But now I’m going ahead, confident that the truth will purify both my readers and myself.
First published by The Gītā-nāgarī Press/GN Press in serialized form in the magazine Among Friends between 1996 and 2001, Best Use of a Bad Bargain is collected here for the first time in this new edition. This volume also contains essays written by Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami for the occasional periodical, Hope This Meets You in Good Health, between 1994 and 2002, published by the ISKCON Health and Welfare Ministry.
This book has two purposes: to arouse our transcendental feelings of separation from a great personality, Śrīla Prabhupāda, and to encourage all sincere seekers of the Absolute Truth to go forward like an army under the banner of His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupāda and the Kṛṣṇa consciousness movement.
A single volume collection of the Nimai novels.
Śrīla Prabhupāda was in the disciplic succession from the Brahmā-Mādhva-Gauḍīya sampradāya, the Vaiṣṇavas who advocate pure devotion to God and who understand Kṛṣṇa as the Supreme Personality of Godhead. He always described himself as simply a messenger who carried the paramparā teachings of his spiritual master and Lord Kṛṣṇa.
Dear Srila Prabhupada,
Please accept this or it’s worse than useless.
You have given me spiritual life
and so my time is yours.
You want me to be happy in Krishna consciousness
You want me to spread Krishna consciousness,
This collection of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s writings is comprised of essays that were originally published in Back to Godhead magazine between 1966 and 1978, and compiled in 1979 by Gita Nagari Press as the volume A Handbook for Kṛṣṇa Consciousness.
This second volume of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s Back to Godhead essays encompasses the last 11 years of his 20-year tenure as Editor-in-Chief of Back to Godhead magazine. The essays in this book consist mostly of SDG’s ‘Notes from the Editor’ column, which was typically featured towards the end of each issue starting in 1978 and running until Mahārāja retired from his duties as editor in 1989.
This collection of Satsvarupa dasa Goswami’s writings is comprised of essays that were originally published in Back to Godhead magazine between 1991 and 2002, picking up where Volume 2 leaves off. The volume is supplemented by essays about devotional service from issues of Satsvarupa dasa Goswami’s magazine, Among Friends, published in the 1990s.
“This is a different kind of book, written in my old age, observing Kṛṣṇa consciousness and assessing myself. I believe it fits under the category of ‘Literature in pursuance of the Vedic version.’ It is autobiography, from a Western-raised man, who has been transformed into a devotee of Kṛṣṇa by Śrīla Prabhupāda.”
The Best I Could DoI want to study this evolution of my art, my writing. I want to see what changed from the book In Search of the Grand Metaphor to the next book, The Last Days of the Year.
a Hare Krishna ManIt’s world enlightenment day
And devotees are giving out books
By milk of kindness, read one page
And your life can become perfect.
Calling Out to Srila Prabhupada: Poems and PrayersO Prabhupāda, whose purports are wonderfully clear, having been gathered from what was taught by the previous ācāryas and made all new; O Prabhupāda, who is always sober to expose the material illusion and blissful in knowledge of Kṛṣṇa, may we carefully read your Bhaktivedanta purports.
I use free-writing in my devotional service as part of my sādhana. It is a way for me to enter those realms of myself where only honesty matters; free-writing enables me to reach deeper levels of realization by my repeated attempt to “tell the truth quickly.” Free-writing takes me past polished prose. It takes me past literary effect. It takes me past the need to present something and allows me to just get down and say it. From the viewpoint of a writer, this dropping of all pretense is desirable.
Geaglum Free WriteThis edition of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s 1996 timed book, Geaglum Free Write Diary, is published as part of a legacy project to restore Satsvarūpa Mahārāja’s writings to ‘in print’ status and make them globally available for current and future readers.