“Satsvarupa Maharaja has made some small improvement this week, despite everything. Saci Suta got him an adjustable hospital bed with rails to help keep Maharaja from walking out unassisted or falling out of bed at night. Jayadvaita Swami sent his own servant to help out for a few weeks, and there is other good strong help til February 1st. Every able-bodied man has an opportunity to reconsider their priorities and pitch in. It is best to come for a month because such intimate service requires relationship-building with Satsvarupa Maharaja and the other caretakers.”
Hare Krsna,
Baladeva
If you would like to help, please contact Kṛṣṇa-bhajana dāsa at [email protected] or [email protected] and we will find you a service that utilizes your talents.
First comes regret: hari hari! biphale janama gonainu. Why are we so afraid to feel regret? Of course, we don’t want to be artificial about it and beat our breasts with no real feeling. Certainly the nondevotees will deride us. They will compare us to medieval flagellants who beat themselves out of guilt. Body-punishing ascetics, self-accusers, sufferers from low self-esteem —all negative, they say. But we should not concern ourselves with what the nondevotees think.
The real danger for us is not excessive lamentation, but falling into the pit of complacency. At least we can hear the words of the acaryas like Bhaktivinoda Thakura and Narottama dasa Thakura and take inspiration in our own steps to improve.
******
“The treasure of divine love in Goloka Vrndavana has descended as the congregational chanting of Lord Hari’s holy names. Why did my attraction for that chanting never come about?” (“Ista-deve Vijnapti,” Narottama dasa Thakura, Songs of the Vaisnava Acaryas, p. 63).
******
“This is humbleness,” Prabhupada said. . . “If you go on thinking, ‘Oh, I did not perform this duty so nicely, I should have done it this way,’ then you will improve. Our love for Krsna keeps growing as long as we think that we are not doing the most for Krsna and that we must do more’ ” (Prabhupada-lila, p. 10).
******
“When one fails to achieve the desired goal of life and repents for all his offenses, there is a state of regret called visada” (Cc., Madhya 2.35, purport).
“. . . Without tapa or inner repentance, the soul cannot live as a Vaisnava” (Panca-samskara, by Bhaktivinoda Thakura, printed in ISKCON Journal).
Inner repentance. . . . It is not right that I chant with offenses. And I do chant with offenses, or else I would be in ecstasy uttering the holy names. I want to enter the stage of attraction for hearing of Krsna in Vrndavana, but how can I do it if my foundation in hari-nama is weak? So tend to this. Think how to improve. Take measures. Don’t shirk the work or think, “It can’t be done by endeavor. If Krsna wants to be merciful to me, He can.”
******
Bhaktivinoda Thakura says, “If I sing Your holy name every day, by Your mercy the ten offenses will gradually disappear. A taste for Your holy name will grow within me, and then I will taste the intoxicating spirit of the Name” (Saranagati, 7.8.4).
Other things you might do to improve japa:
pp. 128-31
I wrote in a poem about an April snowstorm, “no one takes it seriously,” but last night when the temperature dropped to twenty degrees, at least those jivas in the plant kingdom took it seriously. Some of them, like the tulips and daffodils outside my door, perished. It was also difficult for the birds who came up North thinking it would be spring. This morning I saw a downy woodpecker busily moving from tree to frozen tree looking for something to eat. The birds and beasts survive better than the flowers, but the human being has the greater intelligence to know how to adjust to cold climate.
We weren’t very disturbed last night despite the freeze because of our wood-burning stove and well-constructed house. With our intelligence we should make a simple arrangement for survival and then concentrate on chanting and hearing.
I know life is hell
in Afghanistan, Iran-Iraq,
El Salvador—
everywhere is war.
The rat kills the mouse,
and the hawk kills the rat.
The man kills the cow,
& the man kills the man.
And time kills them all.
Everywhere killing—
killing and war.
But our way is easy
by the grace of the Lord.
And if it gets hard,
then it will be easy to
remember His name.
Prabhupada said
it would be that way:
the Lord takes care
of His devotee.
We have topmost knowledge.
Let us show our thanks:
broadcast His glories.
An embarrassing aspect of my recovery programs thus far is that I have too little to show for them, even after taking considerable time off, such as the two months in Puerto Rico. The failure is not mine personally, but a failure of physical health. Yet one cannot help but feel disappointed. Of course, I have to take it philosophically and see that the frail body is up against the powerful material nature, which is finally going to win out. One cannot remain healthy indefinitely, and you cannot conquer disease every time.
When Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken contracted a terminal disease, he remarked that if there was a way to beat the disease, he would find it. Similarly, when Muhammad Ali developed a brain disease, he remarked that he would beat it. But these are pitiful statements. It is not within man’s power to beat these things. So at times like these we have to put our philosophy into practice—submit to the force of time (kala), but demonstrate a victorious will to go on serving Krsna.My friends advise me to rest now so I can gain twenty years of active service later. This reveals an appealing, dynamic aspect of bhakti-yoga. The bhakti-yogi is not interested in giving up the temporary material body and going to the eternal spiritual world. He is interested, but that is not his highest goal. The idea of personal salvation contains some selfishness. But the bhakti-yogi’s goal is to serve Krsna eternally in either a material or spiritual body. He simply wants to serve Krsna in any condition. So with that in mind, devotees are encouraging me to recover my health and serve in this body for another twenty or thirty years.
The Krsna consciousness movement is such a serious movement for saving people! If we can salvage a preacher, give him his temporary health, that will be important for the furtherance of this mission.
When Sanatana Gosvami attempted to give up his life, Lord Caitanya said, “Your body belongs to Me.” So my body belongs to Prabhupada’s movement, ISKCON, and to my disciples. Therefore I should take care.
pp. 32-35
Don’t disturb us. Don’t bring up negative topics. Leave us to continue hoping bad things won’t happen to us. We are going for a five-day health treatment—we are trying to stay alive. “The current of this worldly river is strong and relentless. A frightening, gloomy death approaches. How I wish I could give up my worldly attachments. I would worship You, O Lord . . . ”
Let us take shelter while we can in the patch of peace we live in, with whatever health we possess. We all have to leave here eventually—yes, that means everyone who gathered with me as we worshiped Tulasi-devi and everyone in this Italian town. Whether or not someone comes up this hill to disturb us, we will all have to die. The blonde woman who drove up in the small gray car and spent half an hour in the sanctuario, the old man who came up on his motor scooter and left at once, the dog barking at 2:30 A.M., and my dear Madhu (unthinkable), and me, precious me, the writer . . . We all have to die. But Bhaktivinoda Thakura lives on in this stanza. “Without Your mercy, everything is lost. Please give me the shelter of Your lotus feet.” Padasraya: I take shelter at Your feet. Feel and believe and enter. This is the time and place for prayer. I need to hear you, Bhaktivinoda Thakura. We all do. “Now please hear me, O Lord, for I am utterly helpless.”
In Song Four, Bhaktivinoda Thakura confesses, “I am a sinner. I caused others pain.” He doesn’t commit sins anymore, but his karma weighs heavily on him. (My karma weighs on me too. During japa this morning, I roamed back to 1964 when I was confused, helpless, and sinful—a welfare worker, marijuana-smoker . . . Are these the thoughts fit to accompany japa? It’s bad enough that I lived those things, but do I have to remember them while I am chanting the holy name? Prabhupada saved me just in time.) Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura does not describe the details, but he lays it on the line—a sense-gratifier hurts others, but he doesn’t care. Therefore he hurts and ruins himself.
Most of Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura’s statements seem so extreme that we don’t quite know what to do with them. It’s almost hard to believe him when he says, “I am remorseful seeing others happy.” But I experience this all the time. “I’m a perpetual liar.” That’s not true of me. I am honest. But wait a minute, you can’t face the truth. You don’t even know what the truth is. Isn’t that a form of lying?
“The misery of others is a source of great pleasure for me.” Now that’s an exaggeration as far as I’m concerned. That sounds like a sadist. Do I think like that? But isn’t a holier-than-thou attitude the same thing? Seeing the nondevotees unhappy is proof of my own righteousness. I tell you, I haven’t faced the truth; I have no idea what it is. I know neither the evil in me nor the good. I know neither the love nor the pain. I don’t know separation from Krsna at all. I am a vaidhi-bhakta, fingering my beads by candlelight and reminiscing about 1964.
I am easily disturbed. I don’t feel deep emotion. I can’t confess. I remember going to confession as a child. The nun told us to prepare ourselves to tell the priest our sins, but all I could think of was that I talked back to my mother and told a lie. We were looking for the cracks in the sidewalk instead of the chasms in our souls. Why? Because the main thing was to stay as calm as possible. It was the middle of the war.
Don’t look at the chasms. Don’t wake up the sleeping beasts. “The material desires within the core of my heart are unlimited.” Again I wonder if he is calling up the worst possible condition to describe an Everyman. But any one of us can fall to the lowest depths of depravity. “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” We generously ascribe all possible weaknesses to ourselves, even though we don’t believe we have them, but Bhaktivinoda Thakura says that kama, material lust, is in the core of his heart. He speaks the truth even for you. Admit it.
No, I’m not such a bad guy. I used to be bad, but I’m okay now. I’m a sadhu traveling in a Renault van.
Ah, but in the core, the secret core of your heart . . .
pp. 82-85
Can I claim I want Krsna to “draw me back to Godhead” as soon as possible? What will it cost? Whenever we finally surrender, we’ll remember these teachings and see how true they are even in our own lives: Krsna pulls us out of our entanglement, especially the false notion that we can enjoy the self in the body. Learn the lessons.
Man, they praise you once a year like this? One who is complacent cannot call out holy names as one who is helpless.
His preaching was effective, slick, intelligent. He was good. “I didn’t write you a letter, but here I am talking to you.”
Okay.
“Please give me beads and tassels upon which to pray.” He said, “I am a rebel anti-Christian, so I can’t take the suggestion to pray.”
I told him to cool down; I can’t pray either.
I can hear water flowing by the creek. By the edges of the creek, the ice is thin. Think over the lecture about how Krsna takes away attachments and signals a devotee to come back to Godhead. You could say it’s one of those difficult scriptural sayings, yet it’s not something we have to learn to do. Krsna does it Himself. We just have to hang on while He moves us without losing faith. It takes seeing that the difficult things happening in our lives are actually divine arrangements meant for our benefit. That’s the difficult part: managing not to despair and never losing sight of Krsna. It is difficult to give up this material world and all the material conceptions to which we are attached. It is difficult to face the reality that life in this world is pure illusion.
Easy and difficult. It seems easy to go through a day eating, sleeping, giving a lecture, a little writing, but difficult to be Krsna conscious, humble, a recipient of Krsna’s special attention. His attention is rare and difficult to attain, but even more difficult is to face that we haven’t attained love of God, difficult to do anything about it to improve.
I have nothing special to say. “I’m a sad fellow,
a sad case,” wrote a disciple
from a big town.
My reply was cursory.
I can’t seem to take time.
I say, “Ireland will be
the place.” I’ll think of Vrndavana there
but won’t it be
the same?
Maybe the thing is I’m not the strongest
man in the world
not like some of these people.
I can only sit on a seat
and speak ideals and splice ropes
with knots to present situations.
Here is how I do it:
you sit alone with scriptures
and talk to Him with everyday talks
O Krsna, Krsna, how silly
I sound, I know,
You who like our voices
to cry for ourselves but not only—
we should cry for all.
“I found Lord Nityananda’s mercy this
year in Mayapur”—I find it
hard to believe my brothers
find what I see no trace of.
Sounds like they are talking of
something
nowhere.
“Where is your heart?
In new gloves, new shoes, too much
pampering—”A pair of boots
for Gita-nagari and a pair for
travel,” pies for dessert?
So sad. Well, such
music makes us merry
at least. I’m saying this for
your benefit:
return to
your Krsna.
pp. 57-61
One should pray, “I don’t want to cheat:”
Since I know nothing of realized knowledge, how can I presume to give it to others? But I have to give the class. Therefore, my dear Lord Krsna, and dear Srila Prabhupada I beg you to appear in my words. Of course your words are there in the purports, and I just have to repeat them. But if I repeat them without caring and without any realization, will the audience be willing to hear? Will I be able to move them, to wake them, to impress their wills to take up the sublime teachings and practices of bhakti-yoga? Only if You consent to speak through me.
If I care, if I have compassion and desire to serve the devotees, that will help qualify me. Then out of a deep sincerity, even a beginner devotee can serve the prasadam of the Lord …. The prasadam is Your words . . . . Let me not presume that I am actually a master or teacher of Bhagavatam. I am trying to know it myself.
Aspiration To Give Up Plans For Great, Excelling Works
I used to think I was someone special and would accomplish something rare, excelling beyond all others. “There is something actually great about me,” I would think. This kind of thinking magnified when I became a “Big Guru.”
Now I’m leveled. But still I have repute. I survived the guru reform partly by taking part in it.
“I can still realize my potential,” I think, “and those hopes and intuitions that I am meant to excel. Since my field is the holy life, I can hope to become a saint.” So I think as I look in the mirror while shaving. “But how will it occur? Will Krsna reveal to me how it will happen that I shall fulfill a destiny of excelling?”
Into these vain musings came a grain of good sense. I thought, “Maybe just the opposite. Maybe my chosen destiny is to become ordinary, very small.”
This is best and this is my hope—to give up the striving for repute as a saint—I’ve done that more than enough in this lifetime, received praise and honor as someone special.
I want to give up such striving, which I sometimes attempt by writing and publishing, or by acting as if I am “a saintly humble guru.” Instead, let me gradually, annihilate self and let Krsna’s glories be fully known through me. By that I don’t mean that I will be the cause of His mission being widely spread. That does not seem likely. I take too much credit for myself, and also I’m very weak-hearted and ease-loving—not austere—so I lack courage for great works.
It’s not clear yet. But that “grain of sense” or intuition occurred. . . . As I checked my vain egoistic musing, “I am great, so how will my greatness manifest itself—in what literary project or new exploit?”
And I thought of a deliberate plan for giving up such hopes, taking instead a position by which I can actually please the Lord as lower than a blade of grass.
The Lord is placing this aspiration in my heart.
pp. 56-61
In our readings, we are up to the last sections of vrndavana-lila. Narada predicted to Krsna, “In two days I will see You kill the wrestlers and Kamsa himself.” Soon Krsna will be leaving for Mathura.
Prabhupada, is it all right if we linger in the Vraja pastimes?
Thinking of Srila Prabhupada means thinking of Radha-Krsna seva, and thinking of Radha-Krsna means thinking of Srila Prabhupada. Srimati Radharani will be pleased with us when we serve Her pure devotee.
From a psychology book: “There is universal agreement that the amount of affection in infancy determines, more than any other influence, the whole course and quality of a human life.” Maybe I didn’t do well on this account with my Irish-American mother who tended not to be too physical. But in my spiritual birth, I received much affection—real affection—from Swamiji.
Thousands of devotees who never had much personal exchange with Prabhupada felt relief when, after his disappearance, there were no more secretaries to keep them out of his rooms or presence. Whoever wanted to could go into his room in Vrndavana or in Los Angeles, or go before his murti in any temple in the world, and just sit with him as disciple to guru, as friend to friend. I feel that way too.
We can’t judge those days of protecting Prabhupada’s time too harshly though. ISKCON was bound to grow into an institution where we could no longer eat lunch with Prabhupada. It’s not anyone’s fault; it was Prabhupada’s desire to preach that created the institution. But I’m glad I knew Prabhupada in those days before ISKCON grew so large. I’m also glad I was able to grow up with Prabhupada, from my youthful, naive, uncomplicated freshness in the beginning, to acceptance of service in separation.
“Only when the child knows that he is loved can he get that necessary truth about himself, that he is lovable. And only when he really believes that he is lovable will he then anticipate and expect friendliness and love from others during the course of his life.
“Answering the call to love demands courage and determination because self-exposure always involves a risk of being seriously hurt. But without transparency love is impossible and without love, human life is seriously incomplete” (from a book on psychology).
The “depth psychologists” go on to say that the ultimate human love experience is for the opposite sex. They don’t mention celibate monks. What I am exploring here, however, is not the male-female love. I am exploring love for God as it can be realized by love for the guru.
The loving relationship between guru and disciple is actually based on service to Krsna. They will serve Krsna together in the spiritual world. If the disciple is approaching the guru for emotional satisfaction or so the guru can bolster his ego (or if the guru is accepting the disciple out of pride), the relationship will not develop in love, and service to Krsna will not be attained. Srila Prabhupada’s only question to his guru maharaja was, “How may I serve you?” Prabhupada’s spiritual master brought him close and told him how to please Krsna. Then Prabhupada was always happy as he carried out the mission of his spiritual master. He always felt the presence of his spiritual master in everything he did. I will feel the same happiness as Srila Prabhupada accepts me and instructs me how to become a co-worker in Lord Caitanya’s movement.
My relationship with Srila Prabhupada is lifelong and solid, yet still I struggle with it, just as I struggle with my doubts about the KRSNA book stories. Although I am convinced that I love Prabhupada, I still confuse him with the “authority figure” who forced me into the U.S. Navy and who thought writing poetry was for sissies. So Here Is Srila Prabhupada is my battleground. I am throwing off the demons.
pp. 141-44
I say so many foolish things, things I don’t mean to say. And I allow myself to feel hurts and slights even when people don’t mean to hurt me. If they do mean to hurt, or they are merely clumsy or preoccupied, why should I feel so concerned or injured? I have Srila Prabhupada’s lotus feet. No one can take them away from me as long as I hold on to them.
The letter on your desk is to Gargamuni Maharaja, January 1972. You gave us the honorable titles, “Swami” and “Maharaja” and then called us by those names. You created our fortune and status. You drew service from us for Lord Caitanya’s mission.
In this letter you said the “Goswami” at Radha-Damodara temple had illegally usurped your veranda. You told your disciple not to bother the Goswami, but “simply go and come and see that no interruptions on my rooms are made.”
Regarding the veranda: “Most likely you will have to fight a case against him with the District Manager of Mathura.”
Today I heard you answer a question about whether one should serve Gaura-Nitai Deities or Radha-Krsna Deities. You said it is not stereotyped. One has to inquire from the spiritual master and receive instruction. How confident we felt when we surrendered to you and you told us what to do, as in this letter. The devotee could come and go from your rooms without disturbing the temple owners, yet be prepared, if Srila Prabhupada ordered, to take them to court. What did Srila Prabhupada want us to do? We inquired and then tried to carry out his wishes. We were confident that pleasing him was the best aim of life and the best way to please Krsna. The essence of that relationship remains.
I look up and see the sunlight mixed with the open curtains and the shiny leaves outside the window. Scratching a mosquito welt on my arm. My back is tired. The day turns toward 5 P.M.
I feel satisfied to have escaped from the superficiality and turmoil of the day, to come here and to have written in your tirthas. (I remember on the U.S.S. Saratoga, I would escape once a day. I won’t write how I did it, but strange as the comparison is, I want to say that I need this visit to your rooms and I appreciate it.) I don’t come here out of my own intelligence, I am drawn here by you. You lived among us, Srila Prabhupada, and therefore these places exist in my memory of you. Because they exist, I am drawn to them. My being drawn to you is as natural as iron filings being drawn to a magnet. As soon as I saw the announcement in your storefront window, I went to see you. I have never stopped. You drew me to you. A guru! India! Bhakti! The Hare Krsna mantra, the promise of eternal life, Krsna! Your knowledge and words to convince us. A guru for us on the Lower East Side. An escape from our dangerous lives. I must have a relationship with you from my past life. Whatever our relationship is, you draw me to you.
I beg to break through the barriers. “If you love me, then I will love you.” As the rainy season creates muddy water in the Ganges and yet people bathe freely there, so the pure devotee is transcendental, despite his appearance of age and infirmity.
It’s dark and cool in here. A few visitors wander in. They don’t know quite what to make of this room where Srila Prabhupada sits in one corner at his desk, as real as life. They feel as if they are interrupting his intimate life, so they hesitate to go further. He is in the cool, dark of his own room, sitting on the white mattress, chanting japa softly. But it’s all right, they can enter. They can get one of his books. They can become his follower and sit here and write prayers. They can take up a prabhu-datta-desa anywhere in the world. Srila Prabhupada is aware of every place in the world. As stated in the First Canto, the guru is in everyone’s heart. He knows the Lord’s heart, and since the Lord is in all hearts, so is the guru. At least he is in the hearts of all his followers.
You visitors can take up a prabhu-datta-desa and then come to Vrndavana to this room and pray to him to bless you. Prabhupada, your followers are your instruments. Even if we waver or stray or grow stale, please bring us back to your lotus feet.
pp. 29-32
Harsasoka: How much time has gone by since I spoke to the warden? I thought he would call for me the next day, but no. Several times I asked the guard, but he wouldn’t talk. About a week ago, the warden appeared at the door of my dismal cell. In an almost civil tone he said that there was some delay in the final execution of Prahlada. They were still torturing him. When they decided to finally kill him, they would ask me to do that special work. More time has dragged by.
A few days ago, the guards gathered about a dozen of us and brought us outside to work. We have been laying stones on top of the fortification wall.
This is where I met Tridandi. He is older than me, maybe fifty, and like me, he’s frail, so they put us together mixing mortar for the wall builders. Mostly we work in silence with a guard watching us, but there are times, when the guards eat lunch or smoke, when Tridandi and I can speak. I told him that I am in for Vaisnava sympathies.
He finally asked me, “Do you actually have Vaisnava sympathies?”
“I did,” I said. “But I’m ready to give them up.”
“You may give up your practices of Krsna consciousness,” said Tridandi, “but Lord Krsna will never forget you. It is stated in the Srimad-Bhagavatam that if a person ever renders even a little sincere service, then he is never the same as other karmis. Krsna claims him.” Tridandi nodded vehemently when he said this, smiled, and then nodded again.
Of course, a comment like that is forbidden. But when I heard it, it gave me a jolt. Technically speaking, I should turn him in for blasphemy, but I find myself hungry to hear more, just as when my Daityaji first came home and spoke of Prahlada and Krsna.
So bit by bit I am beginning to reveal my mind to Tridandi in between mortar mixing. Some days there’s no chance to talk at all, but then on other days we are alone together for half an hour. I am beginning to regard him as an advanced Vaisnava, so I am telling him my predicament.
“I don’t know if I’m a demon or a Vaisnava.”
Tridandi replied that both the demon and the devotee often exist within the heart of a conditioned soul, where they war for supremacy.
“In my case, I am mostly a demon,” I said. “The demon has the upper hand. My culture and blood are asuric.”
Tridandi ran his long bony fingers through his wisp of beard, leaving flecks of mortar in it. “But according to Bhagavad-gita, you are not the body; you are spirit soul. In this lifetime you may have been born in a demon family, but that’s not your real identity. Take, for example, Prahlada Maharaja. He’s the son of the greatest demon, and yet Prahlada is the greatest Vaisnava.”
“Yeah, but Prahlada is being forced to relinquish his Krsna consciousness,” I said. “In just a matter of days he will be killed.”
Tridandi looked furtively over to the guards to be certain he would not be overheard. Lowering his voice he said, “That’s not true. Prahlada has actually triumphed. Hiranyakasipu and his tormenters tried in every way, but they could not kill Prahlada. They may be trying to hide this, but I know the facts. They tried throwing Prahlada from a high cliff, but Visnu saved him. They put him in boiling oil, but the boy was unharmed. He simply remained in his pure meditation on Krsna at every moment. They put him under the feet of a ferocious elephant, but that elephant just picked him up in his trunk and put him on his back for a joyride. They tried exposing Prahlada to severe cold and throwing stones at him, but it didn’t worked. They tried administering deadly poison in his meals. Nothing harmed the boy. Hiranyakasipu is completely astounded and defeated. They are afraid that Prahlada’s power is limitless. Hiranyakasipu said, ‘He must be immortal. In that case, I will probably die for my offenses to his master, Visnu.’ Prahlada has got Hiranyakasipu running scared.” Tridandi chortled with glee when he said this, as if the image of a fearful Hiranyakasipu was too ridiculous.
This news seems too good to be true. Maybe my Daityaji has also been spared. When I told Tridandi that I doubted what he said, he replied that I would find out for myself because soon it would become common knowledge. Prahlada had triumphed.
Tridandi speaks with such obvious sympathies for Vaisnavism that I fear for his life. He told me that he usually conceals himself, but that he feels drawn to help me. Being with him does more to restore my faith in Vaisnavism than any other possible circumstance. I think he has been sent by Krsna to save me.
pp. 17-20
I wrote a rather small book called Life with the Perfect Master, in which I chronicled my life with Prabhupada during the time I served him. There was a lot of traveling during this time, as Prabhupada went to places in India, and then accepted an invitation to tour Europe. Although it was frantic keeping up with him, doing his cooking, typewriting letters and keeping up with my worldwide tasks from a distance as GBC by telephone for the Midwest U.S. zone, keeping track of my duties as editor-in chief of Back to Godhead magazine, there were good chances to hear his lectures in foreign countries, and there were times to be intimate with him.
Was Prabhupada the same as time went by? Yes and no. He was always the same spiritual master, friendly and loving to all. But as the movement’s popularity grew by leaps and bounds, it became an institution, and Prabhupada wasn’t so much available to everyone. I was fortunate that I was with him from the beginning, and he always remembered me that way. But the “dynamics” were different. There wasn’t as much vapuḥ, or personal association, to go around to each and every devotee in the movement. He urged us to know him by his books and by our service to his mission, and not count on him as we did in the beginning. I am so grateful for my personal “window” to the spiritual master, before there were books or opulent temples or austerities of the preaching mission.
I have not watched Daivi-sakti’s show
on Prabhupada in SPL for over a month now.
I have been sick with Parkinson’s disease.
She must have forgotten me.
But I am recovering
and will catch up with the show eventually.
She must be up to Prabhupada in America now.
I’ve missed a lot, and I’m sorry.
I can catch up on the Daivi-sakti shows
I missed by picking them up on YouTube.
It will take some while for me to find time in my schedule to do this.
But I very much want to watch the shows on Prabhupada
and how Daivi-sakti has expanded on the basics of SPL.
She has done a wonderful job.
A quote in Namamrta tells how one can chant twenty-four hours a day.
Let this be true,
chanting constantly and not getting tired.
Chant Hare Kṛṣṇa in a humble state of mind, lower than a blade of grass.
A friend told me he tries, but he cannot concentrate.
Another devotee, he does fix his mind on Kṛṣṇa, the holy name. I do it for a period of time, but
then I fall into “automatic.” I am not a
lover of the name.
This is not true for me, that I can
chant Hare Kṛṣṇa twenty-four hours a day.
I’m not on the spiritual platform, which is
absolute. I get exhausted or bored.
I pray to reach the standard
of nonstop hari-nāma.
O Lord of the Universe, please
grant me this freedom.
My Journals take their life mostly from Śrīla Prabhupāda. I’ve quoted extensively from his purports in former Journals of mine, while listening to his lectures and hearing disciples’ memories of him. In this I am taking notes while …
I have done “swanning” in my Journals. “Swanning” means you read another person’s writing, and you take the best out of it for Kṛṣṇa conscious purposes. I will probably continue “swanning” from others’ journals. “A writer is a reader,” Hampl says. May my Journals keep on the track of parampara. May Śrīla Prabhupada forgive me if I err. My honest claim is that I read to improve my present seva to him: the keeping of a Journal….
He’s mostly done writing big books. He’s too old and ill. So, he has turned to writing snippets, pieces of what he has learned (and not forgotten) from Krsna and Prabhupada. And he continues chanting sixteen rounds a day or more.
May I remember him lovingly as I meet with death. I met him when I was twenty-five years old. I’ve served him, and he’s protected me all the way. It has always been a reciprocation of love. May I follow him to the spiritual world, or wherever he wants to take me: beloved Srila Prabhupada.
We pray that Srila Prabhupāda’s books
be placed in every town and village
and that they be translated into all
the world’s languages
and that they be read by the devotees.
I chanted thirty rounds today: that’s not shabby.
Yes, but it’s the quality that counts.
Readers will find, in the Appendix of this book, scans of a cover letter written by Satsvarūpa Mahārāja to the GN Press typist at the time, along with some of the original handwritten pages of June Bug. Together, these help to illustrate the process used by Mahārāja when writing his books during this period. These were timed books, in the sense that a distinct time period was allotted for the writing, during SDG’s travels as a visiting sannyāsī
Don’t take my pieces away from me. I need them dearly. My pieces are my prayers to Kṛṣṇa. He wants me to have them, this is my way to love Him. Never take my pieces away.
Many planks and sticks, unable to stay together, are carried away by the force of a river’s waves. Similarly, although we are intimately related with friends and family members, we are unable to stay together because of our varied past deeds and the waves of time.
To Śrīla Prabhupāda, who encouraged his devotees (including me) To write articles and books about Kṛṣṇa Consciousness.
I wrote him personally and asked if it was alright for his disciples to write books, Since he, our spiritual master, was already doing that. He wrote back and said that it was certainly alright For us to produce books.
I have a personal story to tell. It is a about a time (January–July 1974) I spent as a personal servant and secretary of my spiritual master, His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupäda, founder-äcärya of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness. Although I have written extensively about Çréla Prabhupäda, I’ve hesitated to give this account, for fear it would expose me as a poor disciple. But now I’m going ahead, confident that the truth will purify both my readers and myself.
First published by The Gītā-nāgarī Press/GN Press in serialized form in the magazine Among Friends between 1996 and 2001, Best Use of a Bad Bargain is collected here for the first time in this new edition. This volume also contains essays written by Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami for the occasional periodical, Hope This Meets You in Good Health, between 1994 and 2002, published by the ISKCON Health and Welfare Ministry.
This book has two purposes: to arouse our transcendental feelings of separation from a great personality, Śrīla Prabhupāda, and to encourage all sincere seekers of the Absolute Truth to go forward like an army under the banner of His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupāda and the Kṛṣṇa consciousness movement.
A single volume collection of the Nimai novels.
Śrīla Prabhupāda was in the disciplic succession from the Brahmā-Mādhva-Gauḍīya sampradāya, the Vaiṣṇavas who advocate pure devotion to God and who understand Kṛṣṇa as the Supreme Personality of Godhead. He always described himself as simply a messenger who carried the paramparā teachings of his spiritual master and Lord Kṛṣṇa.
Dear Srila Prabhupada,
Please accept this or it’s worse than useless.
You have given me spiritual life
and so my time is yours.
You want me to be happy in Krishna consciousness
You want me to spread Krishna consciousness,
This collection of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s writings is comprised of essays that were originally published in Back to Godhead magazine between 1966 and 1978, and compiled in 1979 by Gita Nagari Press as the volume A Handbook for Kṛṣṇa Consciousness.
This second volume of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s Back to Godhead essays encompasses the last 11 years of his 20-year tenure as Editor-in-Chief of Back to Godhead magazine. The essays in this book consist mostly of SDG’s ‘Notes from the Editor’ column, which was typically featured towards the end of each issue starting in 1978 and running until Mahārāja retired from his duties as editor in 1989.
This collection of Satsvarupa dasa Goswami’s writings is comprised of essays that were originally published in Back to Godhead magazine between 1991 and 2002, picking up where Volume 2 leaves off. The volume is supplemented by essays about devotional service from issues of Satsvarupa dasa Goswami’s magazine, Among Friends, published in the 1990s.
“This is a different kind of book, written in my old age, observing Kṛṣṇa consciousness and assessing myself. I believe it fits under the category of ‘Literature in pursuance of the Vedic version.’ It is autobiography, from a Western-raised man, who has been transformed into a devotee of Kṛṣṇa by Śrīla Prabhupāda.”
The Best I Could DoI want to study this evolution of my art, my writing. I want to see what changed from the book In Search of the Grand Metaphor to the next book, The Last Days of the Year.
a Hare Krishna ManIt’s world enlightenment day
And devotees are giving out books
By milk of kindness, read one page
And your life can become perfect.
Calling Out to Srila Prabhupada: Poems and PrayersO Prabhupāda, whose purports are wonderfully clear, having been gathered from what was taught by the previous ācāryas and made all new; O Prabhupāda, who is always sober to expose the material illusion and blissful in knowledge of Kṛṣṇa, may we carefully read your Bhaktivedanta purports.
I use free-writing in my devotional service as part of my sādhana. It is a way for me to enter those realms of myself where only honesty matters; free-writing enables me to reach deeper levels of realization by my repeated attempt to “tell the truth quickly.” Free-writing takes me past polished prose. It takes me past literary effect. It takes me past the need to present something and allows me to just get down and say it. From the viewpoint of a writer, this dropping of all pretense is desirable.
Geaglum Free WriteThis edition of Satsvarūpa dāsa Goswami’s 1996 timed book, Geaglum Free Write Diary, is published as part of a legacy project to restore Satsvarūpa Mahārāja’s writings to ‘in print’ status and make them globally available for current and future readers.