I am praying for the devotees in Ukraine in this time when the Russians are making war on their country. Many women in the country are fleeing to Poland and other countries as refugees. But the men are being asked to stay back and fight. The prayer I am making is called intercessionary prayer. It is a valid form of prayer—to pray on someone else’s account—and there are examples of it in Krsna consciousness. Vasudeva Datta, a confidential devotee of Lord Caitanya, wanted to pray that the karma of all the jivas could be taken on himself. Several times when Prabhupada was very ill, he asked his disciples to pray for him: “My dear Lord Krsna, if You desire, please cure Srila Prabhupada. Our spiritual master has not finished his work.” In one instance he said these prayers were effective and saved his life to live longer. There are many devotees of Krsna in Ukraine, and they are very dear to the Lord. I pray to Krsna for their protection in their war-torn land; I ask Krsna to save them from calamity.
Two women disciples are coming in March to help out with cleaning, cooking and Deity worship, etc. But we don’t have a man lined up after Bhakti Rasa leaves at the end of March. There is no man scheduled to come and help out. Krishna Kripa took six weeks out of his precious hari-nama duties to stay with me as my male attendant. Now Bhakti Rasa is also spending six weeks. Sankarsana from Potomac comes every year for two or three weeks, and he knows what to do. I make a plea here for male devotees to come and do my personal service, which is not appropriate for a woman to do. Baladeva is fried out and cannot continue to do the services alone. Please help him out and help me out. Please consider making the sacrifice and come to Viraha Bhavan.
Good news! Krsna dasi agreed to leave Trinidad and return to Viraha Bhavan in a week or so. She will catch a nonstop flight from Trinidad to New York, and Amit will pick her up at the airport and drive her to Viraha Bhavan. This is a major event for us. We have been understaffed for so long, and her presence will take up a lot of the slack. It will be a real boost for the Deity program, which has been suffering more than anything else. Dressing Radha-Govinda, having the altars clean, taking care of Tulasi—all these services have been crying for lack of attention.
In our out-loud reading, we are hearing the narration of Dhruva Maharaja. He was a five year old boy, the son of the king. The boy was insulted by his stepmother, and he went, angry and crying, to his real mother Suniti. She told him that she was not the favorite wife of the king, and she could not help him against the sharp insults of his stepmother. She told him not to wish ill on others, and that the only way he could fulfill his desires was to pray to Lord Visnu. She told him great sages went to the forest to meditate and seek out Lord Visnu. Dhruva had a ksatriya spirit, and he went to the forest determined to seek out Lord Visnu. The great sage Narada Muni knew what he was doing and came to him. At first Narada advised him to go home because he was too young to perform austerities. But Dhruva said that he could not take that brahminical advice and that he was determined to seek out Visnu and get a benediction that he could become more powerful even than his great-grandfather, Lord Brahma. Narada was testing the boy’s determination, and when he saw that Dhruva would not accept his brahminical advice, he told him to go to the Yamuna River bank in Madhuvana and meditate on Visnu there. Narada gave him the mantra: om namo bhagavate vasudevaya. Narada was compassionate on the boy and guided him in the best way, even though he had material desires. Dhruva went to Madhuvana and performed extreme austerities. After a few months, he was drinking only water, and then only breathing, and then he stood on one foot and stopped breathing. He finally got the audience of Visnu. When Dhruva saw Lord Visnu, he said, “I came out looking for pieces of broken glass, but I have found a great jewel in You.” And he was sorry for approaching the Lord with material desires. But Visnu knew his heart and fulfilled his material desires. He awarded him the polestar for residence, a planet that does not get destroyed even at the time of annihilation. Dhruva remained somewhat sorry that he had come to the Lord with his material desires, but he remained a great devotee of Lord Visnu.
***
When he matured, Dhruva Maharaja was placed as the ruler of the world by his father. He satisfied the citizens and the brahmanas approved of him as qualified. He ruled for 36,000 years in the Satya-yuga. All his senses remained strong and youthful. Finally he decided to give up ruling, and he retired and went to Badarikasrama to perform austerities. He bathed three times a day in the crystalline clear waters of the Ganges. Then one day Dhruva saw an uncommon airplane approaching him from the direction of Visnuloka. It was manned by two confidential servants of Lord Visnu, Nanda and Sunanda. They told him they were taking him back to Visnuloka for a life of eternity, bliss and knowledge with the Lord. Dhruva maintained his humility and sobriety, took a bath, and paid his obeisances to the saints and sages at Badarikasrama. He then went to board the airplane, and his body turned a golden hue of a spiritualized person. Death personified appeared before him, and he stepped on Death’s head and boarded the plane. When they were about to start, Dhruva thought of his mother, Suniti, and wanted her to also come back to Godhead. Lord Visnu knew his mind and immediately informed him that another plane was readied and would take Sunita with Dhruva back to the Visnu planet.
Haridasa dasa sent me a copy of Shyamsundar dasa’s memoir, Chasing Rhinos with the Swami, Volume 3. I very much liked the first two volumes, and I’m up to page 63 of the third volume and find it’s up to par with the others. It starts with Prabhupada visiting Mexico. There’s a wonderful scene where Prabhupada gives individual darsana to all the devotees in the temple by having them come in his room one by one, where they make dandavats and he blesses them with his beadbag, and then they go out the other door and a new devotee comes in to receive the blessings. Prabhupada gives lots of lectures, and one day he goes all day lecturing without eating. In the evening he takes hot puris with sugar and milk and says, “This is the way to live, preach all day, and at night take a little prasada and go to rest.” Guests also came in the room one at a time, folded their palms, treated Prabhupada like the pope, and received his precious blessings.
Soon Prabhupada is in London for the Ratha-yatra, and he gets off the cart and walks and dances for the whole route of the procession. Before coming to England, Prabhupada was in Calcutta, and he became very ill. I was there at the time with him. He had us put a picture of Lord Nrsimha on the altar and asked us to pray for his health. But then a long telegram arrived from Shyamasundar describing the wonderful preaching opportunities that they had lined up for Prabhupada in England, such as meeting George Harrison, etc. The GBCs in Calcutta were called in for consultation with Prabhupada as to what he should do about his illness, where he should go, and so on. But when he received Shyamasundar’s long telegram, he suddenly changed his mind from thinking of convalescing and decided to go to England.
Shyamsundar’s writing style is very lively, and I’ll tell you about it as I read more into the book.
***
Shyamasundar gets deeply into the ruby mining, but he doesn’t find very good rubies and doesn’t make much money. The GBC men go to Prabhupada and asked that Shyamasundar be replaced as Prabhupada’s only secretary and that the other GBC men take turns every month to be his secretary. Shyamsundar is devastated and sobs. Prabhupada sympathizes with him but says ISKCON is a democracy, and he has to go along with the GBC. George Harrison donates the Bhaktivedanta Manor, and the devotees fix it up and move in by 1973. The 1973 Ratha-yatra in London is the best yet. Prabhupada gets down from the cart and walks and dances the entire way. Shyamasundar lines up famous men, intellectuals and politicians, including the great historian Arnold Toynbee, to talk with Prabhupada. Prabhupada likes this very much, and he writes to Karandhar in Los Angeles that he’d like Karandhar to do this in America, bring important men to see him. Shyamasundar has a reunion with his wife, Malati, and his young daughter, Saraswati, in England. Shyamasundar was constantly by Prabhupada’s side for seven years. Now he spends more time with his ruby business. He had a close relationship with George Harrison.
The book is a real page-turner. I can’t keep away from it. I turn to proofread my other manuscripts but then go back to reading Chasing Rhinos. Shyamsundar is an exciting writer and a dear devotee of Srila Prabhupada.
A devotee came to our ashram and told us about a bhajana someone sang for him where the lyrics describe Lord Nityananda as never being angry. This devotee then challenged the lyrics and said he knew of three times when Lord Nityananda was angry. One was when Lord Nityananda went to the house of Ramacandra Khan and was not received well. Lord Nityananda went to the Durga mandap of Ramacandra Khan, but He was told to move away from there and go to some cowshed. Lord Nityananda became angry and left the place. Ramacandra Khan then suffered severe reactions. The Muslim governor came there and claimed Ramacandra Khan was not paying enough taxes. He killed a cow and ate it at the Durga mandap and then looted the village of Ramacandra Khan. He arrested Ramacandra Khan’s wife and son. This was the result of his offending Lord Nityananda and Lord Nityananda becoming angry.
The most famous instance of Nityananda’s anger was when Sivananda Sena was leading the devotees from Bengal to go to Jagannatha Puri to see Lord Caitanya. Sivananda Sena was held up by tax collectors, and the whole party of devotees had to wait for him to catch up. They had no place to stay, and they became hungry. Lord Nityananda became angry and told Sivananda Sena’s wife that her sons would die. She became hysterical about this, but when Sivananda Sena finally arrived, Lord Nityananda kicked him, and Sivananda Sena considered this a great blessing. But Lord Nityananda was angry in that case too. Another instance of His anger was when He met up with some Buddhists. He asked them some questions, but they didn’t reply. He questioned them again, but still they wouldn’t reply. Finally He kicked their heads in anger.
Over six inches of snow fell today. Baladeva was out with the snowblower and appreciated the great advantage this machine gave over shoveling snow. He still had to shovel some areas that the big snowblower couldn’t get to. But the blower was a great relief. It’s supposed to freeze up overnight, so everything that isn’t cleared out will turn to ice. But Tuesday it’s supposed to warm up to over 40°F (4.5°C), and so the ice will melt. The word in the post office is that this is the last snowstorm of the winter. As Shelley wrote, “If winter comes, can spring be far behind?”
After our last snow and ice storm, there was a lot of neighborly help provided for many of the houses on our block. Those who had snowblowers, and other equipment, helped clear away the big mounds of impacted snow that were pushed there by the huge municipal plow-trucks. Some of the helpers not only cleared away the big mound, but went in and cleared out the whole driveway, especially for the older people. For those who were somehow neglected, they faced big hills of snow and couldn’t get their garbage cans out to the front of the house. Baladeva used our snowblower to clear out a passage for some of the old ladies on the block so they could bring their garbage cans out front for the county waste trucks to pick up. Stuyvesant Falls is a small town, so word gets around how we distribute prasadam, mow our lawn and dig people out after snowstorms. Saci Suta says it’s the best preaching we can do because most of our neighbors are right-wing types who in an ordinary situation wouldn’t associate with us. But this is extraordinary—the power of prasadam, and kindness.
I received a letter from two boys in the extended Sankhla family. They sent me japa mala and asked that I chant on them. They say they have been worshiping me for a long time, and they ask if I can initiate them. I write them back and say I’m not initiating anymore. But I say I can be their siksa-guru. I direct them to the Caitanya-caritamrta, Adi-lila, Chapter One, “The Spiritual Masters.” I tell them to look for the purport where Srila Prabhupada writes about the siksa- and diksa-gurus, and how they have different roles but they’re both important. However, if they want to take diksa in ISKCON they’ll have to approach an initiating spiritual master. I tell them I appreciate their bond with me. They write such affectionate letters! I tell them the best way to bond with me is to read my writings, my Journal and some of my books. Prabhupada said, “If you want to know me, read my books.” I can’t travel to them in Maryland, and it’s not likely that they’ll travel to see me. So the best way to keep our relationship alive is if they read my writings, and they can also exchange letters with me.
The devotees on my production team have typed up all the essays for “From the Editor—BTG Essays, 1978–1989.”
The essays are straight Krsna consciousness, not free writing or poems. They deal with topical issues and defend Krsna consciousness. I like them and think they should be published and shared. We are scheduled to print this book in a year or so. Some of the titles of the essays are as follows:
“More on Faith Healing;”
“Spiritually Speaking, the Language Reform Movement Is Useless;”
“The Sexual Revolution, Coming Full Circle;”
“Meat-eating, the West’s Sacred Cow;”
“If This Were My Last Column;”
“A New York City Festival Diary;”
“Do You Need a Guru?;”
“Turning Forty;”
“A Day in Vrndavana, India, the Land of Krsna;”
“The Time of Death, and Afterwards;”
“Why You Should Become a Devotee of Krsna—and Why You Don’t;”
“The Experience of Dying—A Hellish Ordeal or a Glorious Transition?;”
“Sin, Karma and Survival in the Nuclear Age;”
“Religion vs. Love of God;”
“A Krsna Conscious Response to Terrorism;”
“Transcendental Methods for Controlling Stress;”
“Who is Lord Caitanya?;”
“Seeing the Bright Side of Illness;”
“Danger at Every Step;”
“Cow Protection in Peace;”
“Facts of Reincarnation;”
“The Worst Age and the Best Remedy;”
“Who is Prabhupada?;”
“Sri Krsna, the Original Manifestation of God;”
“Finding Spiritual Friends;”
“Answering the Skeptics;”
“Crows and Swans;”
“The Art of Dying.”
pp.289-90
“Whatever knowledge has come from the Vedas is mostly lost in its original form. Therefore, we are left to know Krsna now and not get lost in searching for ancient teachings. He is eternally youthful.
“Preaching. Do I say what I feel? When I contact nondevotees I tend to think, ‘They don’t know.’ I don’t exactly judge them, but I don’t expect them to know anything. They have no final wisdom. I don’t consciously find fault with them or put them down; they are like disabled people. You can’t fault them for their own misfortune in having lost a limb, but neither can you expect them to walk. Their tongues have never tasted Krsna’s sweetness. They have cow dung and sawdust for brains. This sounds insulting, I know, but I don’t mean it to be. Sukadeva Gosvami uses strong words for the nondevotees in the opening chapter of the Second Canto where he says that hogs, dogs, camels, and asses praise those who don’t sing the Lord’s glories. Cats and dogs, hog civilization, ant civilization, deluded scholars.
The mud is beginning to soften. It may not be as long as Jambavan said before the bears come out. I am waiting for the day when I will see a snout attached to an enormous shaggy face appear. Or maybe cubs playing by the cabin. Cubs are more frightening because you know the mother is around and fiercely protective.
“I wonder if Jaimini was afraid of bears. Were there large wild animals where Angira and Romaharsana lived? And how did they care for the Vedic branches entrusted to them? Did they have a school? Favorite students?
“Devotees wonder what the practical application of reclaiming knowledge for Krsna is. Do we teach Krsna conscious versions of each department of knowledge in the university? Or perhaps we don’t bother with those departments and just chant Hare Krsna, teach Sanskrit and the mother tongue, and read Prabhupada’s books. That’s probably enough. It doesn’t really require much curriculum.
“For myself, I also listen to the wind and watch the pond ice melt. It won’t be long before it’s clear now—probably another week.
***
pp.291–92
“Naïve artist, playing his own tune
there it goes on soft shoes, a
big cat loping down the alley
then crash!
I wave my wand and call it Krsna conscious syncopation
God and matter, blood and heart
the musical score
that drives us
it’s from Krsna, Krsna, Krsna, Krsna
all time
and my distant stance
as sunlight melts the ice.
“We shouldn’t be afraid of our own experiences.
“Letters accumulating in my drawer. I’ll answer them in time.
“When tired and bored I grope to revive hope and realization.
Sometimes it helps to use the same vocabulary my spiritual master used,
the same holy name.
A lonely note seems
to touch me.
It speaks of that thing in me
that thing that can’t be chased
with metaphors.
I look for a bridge
of mellowness to
reclaim the knowledge
before I have to die.
Don’t print that, please.”
***
pp.292-93
“We are who we are. The back of my neck is stiff. I don’t have sex. Does that produce some tension or latent energy? Probably not at my age. An ex-disciple wrote me, ‘Only a rare person can sublimate sex desire.’ If she’s right, then the prohibition against illicit sex is unrealistic, and she and her husband are right to reject it. I replied, ‘You’re wrong. It’s not hard to sublimate sex desire if you engage in Krsna consciousness.’ I figured Srila Prabhupada must be right, and not this woman who has become influenced recently by psychologists and her husband and is rebelling against the stricture of Krsna consciousness. We each have to choose who we will accept as authority. I follow my spiritual master, avoid sex, and chant at least sixteen rounds a day. This disciple has now chosen another way.
Each prof. was in charge of
a Veda. We major in Bhagavatam
and Bhagavad-gita, The Nectar of Devotion, and
our prof. is Prabhupada
handing us knowledge in
perfect parampara.
“I’m tired now. Looking within for reserved energy and genuine Krsna conscious expression. I read that the Denuka demon was thrown up in a tree and Kaliya’s hundred hoods were broken and he vomited blood. Krsna danced on his hoods for his own good. There is nothing inauspicious.
“Krsna conscious expression, coming out from me like streams of Arctic water, this spring season felt and conveyed, and the hill looping down by my cabin. M. is out looking for a phone, and no one is around but the late March wind swooshing through the pine forest, and the sunshine is melting the ice. And my dreams. They’re here too. The last one: devotees surrounded by a grim, destitute, muscular thug blocking our way. I went out to meet him and said, ‘The look in your eye reminds me of my uncle. I love you and you love me.’ It diffused the violence, and the dream veered off without resolution, always presenting new anxiety and the ability to cope, but nothing concrete was solved.”
***
pp.293-94
“‘Thus the great sage Vyasadeva, who is very kind to the ignorant masses, edited the Vedas so they might be assimilated by less intellectual men.’
“Vyasadeva is described here as a great sage (bhagavan) and very compassionate (krpana-vatsalah ), especially to ignorant persons. Thus he was perfectly qualified to make the Vedas accessible to the people of Kali-yuga.
“The Vedas are difficult to understand. As stated in Brahma-samhita, vedesu durlabham. A person has to at least be in the mode of goodness, or be a brahmana, in order to seriously study the Vedas.
“Two classes of people wrongly interpret this stricture. One class says that you have to be a brahmana by birth, and they try to create a monopoly on Vedic study. The other class pushes themselves forward to accept Vedic teachings even though they are not qualified by birth or character. Prabhupada states that both classes are wrong. It is true that one has to be a brahmana to study the Vedas, but what is a brahmana? Brahminical qualities are not determined by birth. We begin to attain brahminical qualities when we recognize that we are spirit souls and that our bodies are temporary vehicles to house the soul in this world. When we understand that, then we can understand the essential qualification of all living entities and then determine our own need for purification. We have to attain to the mode of goodness in order to understand spiritual knowledge.
“Actually, to understand Vedic knowledge we have to attain to the truest definition of the brahminical nature and understand that the goal of Vedic study is to practice devotional service to Krsua. It is not possible to know Krsna deeply from the modes of passion and ignorance.
“In Satya-yuga, almost everyone was situated in the mode of goodness and was therefore eligible to study the Vedas. In Kali-yuga, however, being situated in the mode of goodness is practically unheard of. That means that the Vedas are now almost out of reach in their original form; they cannot actually help the stunted people of Kali-yuga. Therefore Vyasadeva edited the Vedas to make them accessible. He presented the cream of Vedic understanding in the Bhagavata Purana, and he presented the Mahabharata, which contains the Bhagavad-gita. Editing the Vedas took amazing intelligence; therefore he is called Bhagavan. His impetus to perform this great work was simply mercy, which is characteristic of the Lord and His great devotees.
“Srila Prabhupada said, however, that we have to aspire to go beyond the mode of goodness to the transcendental suddha-sattva platform. That is the meaning of Vaisnava, which is what he expected us to become. With that definition, we should not be too quick to claim Vaisnava status for ourselves. The natural characteristic of a Vaisnava is that he thinks he has no love for Krsna. Rather, he always sees himself as the servant of the servant of the servant, a hundred times removed. That is his real qualification. When the Srimad-Bhagavatam describes the ignorance of those born in Kali-yuga, we should actually identify with those statements. That’s us. When we see ourselves in the pages of the Bhagavatam, we will also understand that it was for us that the Bhagavatam was written.”
***
pp.296-97
“Vyasadeva was powerful and kind. I already said that. He is a real person, someone like Prabhupada. I was not born and raised in a culture that would accept Vyasadeva as real. Then in what culture was I raised? I was a nominal Catholic. That is, I never really studied religion. My ‘culture’ was pop American. I call my Catholic faith a religion, but that’s a real misnomer. I was raised in the American karmi consciousness of the 1940s, ‘50s, and ‘60s. My samskaras were my father’s work ethics and Allen Freed’s rock ’n‘ roll show. I was molded like a piece of clay by my parents and environment. Pinched and wounded I grew, like a skinny plant reaching for the sun. Our experiences in the home and in the streets, in the school and especially in the schoolyard, with boys and with girls, mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers, with television, shape us into the people we will become, our prejudices.
“Then I met Swamiji and seriously accepted Krsna consciousness. By then I was more my own person, and I was choosing to some degree the forces that would impress themselves upon me—the Navy, college, Dr. Alexander and English literature, the particular authors I read, my desires and intellectualizations . . .
I came to Krsna consciousness relatively late in life; I was twenty-five. I was already formed, or mis-formed, in so many ways. Finally I was studying and practicing religion. Learned to depend on the spiritual master. Willing to accept his impression on my already overly impressed heart. He was my Vyasadeva—powerful and kind—and he desired that I become Krsna conscious more than I could understand. He never presented Krsna consciousness as a sectarian religion with us as converts. He knew that Krsna was God and that it was in everyone’s self-interest to learn the science of love. That’s how he taught.
“And I met Vyasadeva through him. Although you could say that whatever I now know is from a secondhand impression, I don’t agree. He literally handed me my red beads after chanting a round on them, and I began to chant. I actually bought the Bhagavatam from Srila Prabhupada and was touched to read that Vyasadeva was not satisfied even after he wrote all those books. He needed to write of pure bhakti.”
***
pp.297-98
“I thought I understood something of Vyasadeva’s dissatisfaction because I was a writer myself. Somehow that had come out of me. It was not one of the external things that had shaped me. It was already inside of me: I wanted to express myself in writing. Writing was my religion. I was fascinated by the creative process and by the freedom I had to explore it. Vyasadeva was a writer too, but he gave us the Bhagavatam.
“Even then I wanted to discover how much that meant to me, how much of it felt real, how much of it I was willing to repeat without realization. How much of it is secondhand. I am looking for my own genuineness, although I accept a certain measure of superficiality to get me through. But what is my actual experience in spiritual life? That has always been important to me.
“And sometimes I’m haunted by the dichotomy between my American upbringing and the way of life Srila Prabhupada gave us. It’s like the old question, ‘If you’re going to be religious, why not be religious in the religion in which you were raised?’ We learn early to discriminate between the two, though, and I see that fate brought me to the Swami and the Vedic way. It was relatively late in life, so I am sometimes tortured by my American pop culture impressions, but the weight of years has diminished those impressions and replaced them with impressions from life in ISKCON and of chanting the holy name. I spent twenty-five years outside of ISKCON and now over thirty years inside. The balance is turning.”
***
pp.298-99
“After saying all this, I want to acknowledge that I want as a real person to write a real book. I want it to be incidentally a Krsna conscious book. I want it to be centrally a Krsna conscious book. It would be nice if it were a hundred percent Krsna conscious, but I am not a hundred percent Krsna conscious, so I can’t expect that. Still, if I write honestly and a percentage of it is Krsna conscious, the reader will be able to appreciate even more that the Krsna conscious portion is genuine. I didn’t attempt to present myself as something that I’m not.
“We already went through those days of presenting ourselves as something we were not. I am accused as one of those who for the nine years after Prabhupada’s disappearance presented himself as a perfect soul. That’s an interlude of its own in my life which I could explore more—my wrong and guilt. The guru experience, the overdone image of myself as a pure devotee accepting others’ offerings and worship and claiming to guide them. I tend to overlook that now and say it’s in the past. Like anyone, I want to move forward and live in the present. The fact is, I’m still acting as guru. I have disciples’ meetings planned in April, and today I am expecting the mail from the many souls who consider that I can give them relevant, spiritual advice. In the name of honesty, I sometimes have to admit to that too, here in this book, and yet get beyond that designation to who I really am.
“We are each both complex and simple. Once I asked Prabhupada, ‘Out of all the persons I could be, which one does Krsna want me to be ?’ It was a roundabout, complicated question, and I was confused. Prabhupada cut through with his answer: ‘This boy Steve is nice. He types and gives money. You should all be like him.’ Maybe life is like that. We’re actually simple. The complications are artificial. We just have to be a person and do what is most favorable for our bhakti. Sometimes that means giving what we love most. I give him my writing life—not just the yeoman writing of official philosophy, but the real life, the life as I live it.
Oh, but is that individual cry necessary? Why can’t you just function and use whatever intelligence and talent you have to preach the straight line? Why does it have to be poetry?”
pp.244-45
“Dear Sri Sri Radha-Damodara and Lalita and Visahka,
“Please accept my humble obeisances. The doctor has said it is important that I sleep at night, but I cannot. As I lie here, fortunately, I am hearing from the Caitanya-caritamrta, and there are some especially wonderful verses occurring in a chapter of Madhya-lila called, ‘The Ultimate Goal of Life.’ There is a verse quoted from the Krsna-karnamrta which states that the body of Krsna is very sweet, but His smiling face is even sweeter. When I heard this verse, I thought of You, and I could see You in my mind’s eye, mildly smiling and holding Your flute.
“I think of going to see You again. I think of Your temple room and the devotees. And I think of Your Pennsylvania farm. The activities here are similar in many ways to the activities in Vrndavana. Another verse describes that Your land, Vrndavana dhama, is as worshipable as You are. In Vrndavana, there are many, many cows. Each have individual names, and as they roam the pasturing ground they are so blissful that milk drips from their full udders.
“The residents of Vrndavana have no outside engagements, and they only know You as their heart and soul. As they tend to the cows or work in the agricultural fields, they play with You and chant Your glories. It is said of the residents of Vrndavana that they do not even ascertain whether Krsna is God, but they think of Him constantly, and love Him and serve Him. And if there is any difficulty, they go to Him.
“Radha-Damodara, is not the land of Gita-nagari also worshipable, even to us beginners? Please say it is so, O mildly-smiling, brightly-dressed, best Dancer. These thoughts of You are illuminating my mind, and in the morning I shall have to tell the doctor, ‘I could not sleep.’”
pp.230-31
“In The Nectar of Devotion, Rupa Gosvami states that by the glance of great souls people can become liberated. So it was with Srila Prabhupada.
“Prabhupada’s glance functioned both as the thunderbolt and the rose. If a devotee went before Srila Prabhupada and he was not entirely honest or open, or if he was trying to bluff his commitment to Krsna, Srila Prabhupada could penetrate through all this by a straight gaze into the devotee’s eyes. Then the disciple would feel like a most foolish creature. He could not lie to Prabhupada unless he became the most hard-hearted liar. One looked within himself and saw deficiency when faced with Prabhupada’s stern gaze.
“Prabhupada also expressed hurt in his eyes when a disciple disappointed him and when he saw the sufferings of the conditioned souls. His eyes became particularly expressive with spiritual emotions when he was telling a story or laughing or crying. As the poets say, the eyes are the ‘windows of the soul.’
“After visiting the Gita-nagari farm, Prabhupada later described how he saw a cow there with a very big udder. In describing the cow, Prabhupada put his arms out to show the size, and he opened his eyes very wide in an almost childlike way. His listeners also became childlike, taking part in Srila Prabhupada’s wide-eyed appreciation.
“There is a film of Srila Prabhupada taking his disciples around to holy places in Vrndavana. He is seen telling pastimes of Krsna, and his eyes are full of transcendental light; his eyes are full of spiritual play, love, and delight. Only a dead man can fail to see the bliss of Krsna consciousness coming from Prabhupada’s eyes.
“Everyone knew that pushing on Krsna consciousness was great trouble for Prabhupada—his travel, his anxiety, his hard work—and yet his glancing, smiling eyes showed that he was above the struggle.
“From Prabhupada’s eyes one could get the impression that he was not actually a person of the world like everyone else. He was with Krsna in the spiritual world. Looking into Prabhupada’s eyes gave one the impression that Prabhupada was deeper than anyone else; he was guru. He knew and realized a depth we could not fathom, and he conveyed this through the language of the eyes.
“People like to present themselves as better than they are. A person may speak religiously or speak many superlatives of himself or claim to be honest or sincere. Sometimes it can be detected by looking at people straight in the eyes whether they are actually afraid or dishonest. People therefore are often evasive and uncomfortable to look another person in the eye. Srila Prabhupada could easily expose another’s lack of Krsna consciousness by looking at him. Yet when one looked into Prabhupada’s eyes, he could see only full Krsna consciousness.”
pp.28-29
“Some Mayavadis passing on the road glance up at me. They are dark-skinned in bright orange cloth. They look like Buddhists. After them come tall, thin men in white, each balancing a bundle on his head. Now no one. But I don’t face myself.
“I am preoccupied, as we say, occupied with surface matters, and can’t go to my own heart because it feels empty. There is a sense of well-being and patience. I am okay, but when I desire to write something vital by this method, then I face a lack of depth, a lack of devotion. I have no access to emotions of bhava for Radha-Krsna.
“A young boy who looks about eight years old, is smoking. He squats, puffs, then gets up and walks away from the blue cloud that forms over his head. I have nothing to say about it. His equally small friend has joined him and they walk out of my sight.
“Are you trying to escape these outer sights, or are you trying to weave them in? I am trying to write Krsna consciousness i Vrndavana. I write what I perceive and think. I am not attempting to make it into a neat package. I think and see in Vrndavana, and I write it down as if it is all that I need at this moment. What can the ringing of a bicycle bell mean at that exact moment? How can it remind me of vraja-lila?
“Krsna consciousness means to meditate on the nectarean pastimes of Krsna and the vrajavasis. It also means appreciate ing them. When will I enter Krsna conscious meditation day and night? Raghunatha dasa Gosvami called out, ‘Radha! Krsna!’ in madness. He ran on the bank of the Yamuna and rolled in the dust at Radha-kunda. He wrote books and chanted the holy name with love. He had no time for sleeping and eating.”
***
pp.50-51
“I remember in the West, I would see a hawk and be aware that I was not in Vrndavana. I would hanker to be in that place where your senses’ reports are connected to krsna-lila. A tree in Vrndavana is much different than a tree in Ireland. But I also knew that when I came here, face to face with trees and bushes and birds—I would not be able to enter the mystery.
“Krsna, I do love to be a devotee. I want to be a devotee, although I am not ready to pay the full price. I have no desire to be something other than a devotee. I want to go on parikrama; and bow at the roots of the kalpa-vrksa trees. I want to hear from the Vaisnavas and serve them. And I want to please Srila Prabhupada by my actions.”
***
pp.54-55
“As yet gentle sunshine. We walk the opposite way on the parikrama trail. Cows with decoration, around their necks. No way I can describe the external phenomena of even a quiet ten-minute walk in the back section of Vrndavana. Don’t try. We’ve just crossed the railroad tracks ant we’re sitting on a stone ledge under a tree near a small temple (One plaque in the temple portrays Hanuman carrying the mountain. At first I thought it was Lord Caitanya dancing.)
“We could go to famous, meaningful Gaudiya Vaisnava stops. I hope we will do that before we leave India. But I don’t like having to deal so much with priests and whether we bow down in the right way with the right etiquette, trying to communicate, etc. So today we walk and stop and see and feel what we can. We are quiet; the sights and sounds are fresh—even the squeaking of a bicycle as it goes past, the slopping sound of water dripping from a pipe to the ground, the shrill cries of a group of bold-fluffy birds nearby.
“Some people greet us, ‘Hare Krsna, Jaya Radhe.’ We don’i imitate their greetings. But they call out from their homes, or a sadhu with big red and white Vaisnava tilaka loudly insists ‘Jaya Radhe!’ and we reply, ‘Jaya Radhe.’”
***
pp.73-74
“Dr. Patel came to Srila Prabhupada’s guru-puja wearing his usual white pants and shirt. He also wore a white glove on one hand. He looks all right for his years. We talked a bit. He complained that ‘they’ (the Bombay devotees) don’t treat him right; he doesn’t even have copies of Srila Prabhupada-lilamrta. ‘Not like I was treated by Prabhupada when he was here. It has gone down . . . I don’t know what it is like in the States . . . ‘ I gesture with my hand that it has gone down, but we are still trying to follow Srila Prabhupada.
“‘Yes, that is how it is,’ he says. It goes down when the acarya leaves.
“‘Try to forgive us,’ I say.
“‘Forgive! Oh! What am I?’ he asks. ‘I am just a small man.’ But still, he complains. We all do. In a sense it was truthful to openly admit that it has gone down. Did you think that it could be the same as when the great soul was here blazing the way for us, pushing and creating a harmony that no longer seems possible? We must be loyal, and it is loyal to admit that things were special when Prabhupada was here.”
***
pp.94-95
“We attempt to ‘repay’ what cannot be paid back by rendering guru-daksina with body, mind, and words, service to the spiritual master.
“Although we regret we haven’t attained full surrender or spontaneous devotional service, that awareness should not overshadow the gratitude we feel for the position we have already attained. As stated by Lord Caitanya to Rupa Gosvami brahmanda brahmite kona bhagyavan jiva . . . It is only very fortunate jivas who can become free from the rotation of birth and death in different species of life. This happens by the combined mercy of Lord Krsna and the spiritual master (guru-krsna prasade paya bhakti-lata-bija).
“We need to feel grateful for the great step that has already been taken in our lives, but we shouldn’t think we have attained perfection. We are freed from degraded samsara, but pure love of Krsna has not been attained. O energy of the Lord, O Lord, please engage me in Your service. The gratitude for deliverance from sinful reactions may be kept in mind. At the same time, we pray and strive for deliverance from the remaining anarthas in our hearts. Ajamila prayed,
“‘I am such a sinful person, but since I have now gotten this opportunity, I must completely control my mind, life and senses and always engage in devotional service so that I may not fall again into the darkness and ignorance of material life. . . . Ajamila fully engaged in devotional service. Thus he detached his mind from the process of sense gratification and became fully absorbed in thinking of the form of the Lord.’ (Bhag. 6.2.35, 41)”
p.17
“Last night we caught two mice
and when returning from the temple,
another one came out—
a bright gray fellow,
faster than the dark ones.
Madhu and I chased him
but he wouldn’t be caught.
If this keeps up, how will I be able
to concentrate on Radha and Krsna?”
***
pp.32
Photos can’t catch Him,
you have to go and see Him.
Walk the road in moonlight
enter the building,
hang up your coat.
Inside in the dark,
as the Deity doors open—
light pours from the altar,
flowery patterns of blue, red, yellow, white—
the gopis and Radha wear aprons—
I can’t describe it. Pujaris call it
‘Their razzle-dazzle outfit.’
Damodara, beyond my words.”
pp.112-13
“The most important thing is quality, not quantity. We have to go deep inside ourselves and chant from the heart, calling out to Radha and Krsna to please accept our service. It needn’t take ‘all day’ to utter this sincere cry, but we have to be sure we do not rush over it thoughtlessly. That’s why a stopwatch is not a bad idea for those who are uncertain whether they’re chanting too fast or too slow. ‘O Lord, O energy of the Lord, please engage me in Your service’ has to be felt with each mantra. How long that takes is up to you to find out. There is an early tape of Prabhupada chanting japa (not the one where he’s chanting in public at an initiation, where he says, ‘Sit properly’), and that can give you a good idea of a suitable pace for japa. All this is relative and can be learned by each person with time and practice.
“I chant my rounds
at a go — the
seconds fly by.
I’m paying attention to the
maha-mantra, and I feel it in
my bones.
I’m not too fast or slow,
but average, as advised,
now it’s up to me to find
out the heart
and call to the Divine Couple
without too much frenzy so that my
words aren’t just a slur.
Everyone can do it—it’s easy
and sublime. Practice makes
perfect, and you’re feeling
on time.”
pp.196-97
“I want to briefly explain my modus operandi for writing in October 1996. Recently I have been getting more headaches than usual, and my friends have advised me to stay in one place. I have agreed and have been convalescing in a room in Manu dasa’s house in Geaglum, North Ireland. I have been here for a few weeks, but my health has not improved. Then why not travel, and what is my purpose in traveling? My repeated attempt to answer this question while on the road to Italy became the springboard for this book.
“Of course, some of the answers are obvious: I need to get out and preach, I like to travel, etc. My aim, however, is not only to discuss these reasons but to delve deeper into my actual purpose in traveling. The dictionary defines ‘purpose’ as ‘intended or desired result; goal. Determination, resolve.’
“Since free writing so often helps me dig up deeper purposes and reasons, I plan to write my way into and out of this question. I do not intend to make this merely a literary exercise. If, for example, while writing I find that I have no deep purpose, then I may stop traveling and do something else. Therefore, this writing is intended to help me face myself as well as the question. (‘A monk is a person who asks every day, “What is a monk?”’)
pp.86–87
“Maybe honesty is so volatile that we have to live with lies. If we were to demand more honesty in spiritual life, how might we proceed? A devotee could undergo more self-examination before he takes his first initiation vows. He must vow that he will never again commit illicit sex, intoxication, meat-eating or gambling, and he will always chant sixteen rounds daily. But before the Deity, the spiritual master, and the devotees, he also has to consider, ‘What if I change my mind? What if this institution I’m joining changes? What if my spiritual master leaves? What if the world changes? What if the “others” don’t take it so seriously?’ His surrender should be unconditional.
“We are so accustomed to lies, we think of truthfulness as old-fashioned, like the ‘impossible’ vows that the heroes of the Mahabharata were always making. Truthfulness may seem extreme nowadays for practical men. ‘This isn’t the age of chivalry.’ But Krsna consciousness is not supposed to be a product of the age. By lying propaganda the last leg of religion will be broken.”
pp.98-99
“I like to address myself
to Krsna and to myself
and to readers. I like
to keep a journal. Maybe
from among these forms I
could choose something to
write on a daily basis.
I like to face myself
and be guided by the Muse
in a free write, musical
way. So my days can be
more Krsna conscious by
applying myself in writing.
It will come as Krsna
desires if He will open
a window for me for a
new kind of expression.
Improvised expressions are fun,
coming from spontaneous composition
as you dare and allow
yourself to be Krsna conscious
in a personal way. I shouldn’t
think my life is too quiet
to write about. There is the
internal life which is always
alive if you’d only reach in
there and touch it.”
pp.126–27
“After recalling the painful time of joining the Navy, my first impulse is to assure myself that I am out of it. I am all right now. I live in the association of devotees. I am grateful for Krsna consciousness.
“When Lord Caitanya asked Ramananda Raya what was the greatest unhappiness, Ramananda Raya replied, ‘To be separated from the association of devotees.’ He said it was like being in a cage of fire.
“What if I had to do it again, be in the Navy with foul-mouthed guys who don’t like Krsna? For one thing, I wouldn’t allow myself to do it if it were at all possible to avoid. In my pre-Prabhupada years I was so covered over, I didn’t know that I could be who I actually was. I thought I had to do whatever my father and the government said. I did not know who I was, but even if I had known, I would not have dared to assert myself against the norm. It is not likely that I will have to go back into an imprisonment like that, but I still dream I am in the Navy. And when I wake from it, I think, ‘If you don’t go back to Godhead, then next life, you may have to go through that again.’
“It still frightens me to recall those days. I am stronger now and willing to walk away from non-devotee situations. This is Prabhupada’s mercy. He has created temples and made people into devotees. I can go into a community of devotees and live with them. I don’t have to be in a cage of fire. And if by some calamity I was suddenly forced to be among them, I would have something to live for, something I didn’t have in 1962—Krsna consciousness.”
“I’ll write and the boat rings a bell and the engines shudder the whole boat to start and a man announces something we cannot hear. He is being congenial. Maybe he says the weather will be tolerable. I couldn’t hear. Elvis is behind us now, long gone. They may say the Steve Allen Show of ’56 was historic, but it’s gone. Twang. Boats we take, days go by. Don’t complain. Everything is on time so far. You will hope to reach one destination after another. But right now, with cold feet and a pen, you are in a destination of sorts. En route. A cabin desk facing a mirror.
“Now we are moving. I drew some pics and read my notes on Alligators but couldn’t do more serious Cc. One reason is I’m obliged to take notes and I’m not up to it. Unless you’re willing to write what actually comes. For example, you read the verse on diksa and siksa gurus. You think, ‘Yes, I was a diksa and Adi-kesava Maharaja was the siksa; that’s how JS put it to the devotees in the Brooklyn temple.’ Sounds right? Is that the kind of note that you would be willing to leave as ‘Among Notes While Reading Cc.?’ Yes, why not? Tell the truth. Even silly.
“Smells in this cabin and cold. We are moving past a shore cliff. Not en route Med cruise 1961 with all aliens, and me alien to myself. I follow my Guru Maharaja.
“This too is a moment but don’t exaggerate it. This is the fourth day of Karttika. The Swami is holding his NOD class at Gita-nagari. Leaves brown in the forest and most leaves are underfoot now, crackling sound, up to the ankles. Mr. Guarino, you seem to be hopping from one European country to another, taking advantage.
“Yessir. I actually live in France, I mean in Dublin, in a scone. On Dame Street, on Williams Street, wherever the Hare Krsna temple is.
“But you are an American.
“Don’t get wet. Irish flag. Moderate swell.
“One hour to go. White caps prominent but boat isn’t too tilty yet. The one thing I haven’t done in these four days’ travel is read in Cc. It seems I need more concentration than the travel pace allows me. Somehow, I lost it. I tell myself it’s too important to read the verses and purports unless I can do them justice with a retentive mood and notes. Maybe I should have chosen a smaller book by Prabhupada and been satisfied to read it less perfectly. Keep that in mind for upcoming travel to India and within India, etc. You can read some book, just underline it and let it go. Just to be with it, is the point. And you will write something of it in your diaries. Don’t lament, but it’s a fact: you weren’t with him in his books these last days. That’s one of the main things to set up in the retreat, scheduled reading time.
“Singing ‘Youthful Heart Thief’ or the tune goes through my mind when I lie down to rest and at other times. ‘But there’s no solace for my heart/and it’s there I want to go…/and my heart yearns for Vrndavana . . ./’neath the same trysting tree.’
“Man knocks at our cabin door. ‘Docking in twenty minutes, okay? Okay?’
“Yes, okay. Gray. Sraddhavan should be there. I’m wearing my sannyasa dhoti and knit hat ready for bearing witness and not knowing and maybe daring to be new in the upcoming writing retreat. Until then, I’ll cope and help that by writing where we stay and rest and thanking God we wake in the morning to note it again without slit throats. Hare Krsna.
“Now, you get in your van. Go up front. Smile.
“We found a safe car park for overnight right at the ferry pier in Rosslare. Writing this one at 12:50 a.m. M. and Sraddhavan both resting in the front of the van amid a suitcase, trunks, very limited space. M. sleeps across front seats, Sraddhavan twisted around middle section paraphernalia. Last night we lit candles and sang in Karttika observances.
“Hear gulls. A quiet, short night for me. Dreaming of some resistance movement in India against British rule. The resisters were small and the British great, but still they preserved the Vaisnava tradition and didn’t allow it to be obliterated. I should work in this way against powerful time and the influence of Kali – to preserve a record of the Hare Krsna movement’s attempts. Tell the truth but don’t admit defeat—“We ruined ISKCON after his disappearance.”
“Uh, you mean?
“I mean it’s a good day ahead. Rejoice. We have five hours’ drive to reach the place and then to move in. End your travel story and commence a retreat. This has been nice.
“‘We’ve been traveling four days,’ I told Sraddhavan last night.
“‘Travel is austere,’ he said.
“Austere. But Lord Krsna made it easy for me, inspiring Sumati Morarjee to make the cabin available.
“I shall quit this now and start a whispering japa to a tape of Srila Prabhupada in my ear. Instructions of the guru are as good as the guru being present himself. In his absence, the instructions are the priority of the disciple. The spiritual master knows his disciple and engages him in a specific devotional service according to his own tendency. Don’t think this writing is your own trip. It is authorized. Travel too. Deep in purpose, feel right in the heart. Bear witness and share.
Srimati Radharani sings:
‘How deep the sadness in My heart.
It’s there I want to be
upon the banks of Reva
‘neath the same trysting tree.
“I sing the song in Her honor and because I like to. The Irish ballad transformed into the verse composed by Srila Rupa Goswami, the verse that gave Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu such ecstasy. Let it give us ecstasy also. Sing on and keep moving in Krsna consciousness. (Read the occasion when Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu read the verse left on Rupa Goswami’s thatched roof.)
“Oh, these notes too. This morning. Yes, I know you fell asleep thinking of Elvis’ history from the T.V. you saw. But it is a sordid, wasted history of stardom ending in fall and defeat. It gave nothing to the world. He introduced rock’n’roll, so what? A partial and twisted version of what we all need. A true troubadour sings directly of God and uplifts us in that way. Now, as you chant, keep bringing the mind back to the Names.”
Writing Sessions at Castlegregory, Ireland, 1993Start slowly, start fastly, offer your obeisances to your spiritual master, His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. You just drew his picture with your pencils. He appears carved out of wood…
Last Days of the YearI found I had hit a stride in my search for theme in writing, then began to feel the structure limiting me. After all, I had given myself precious time to write full-time; I wanted to enter the experience as fully as possible. For me, this means free-writing—writing sessions with no predetermined shape, theme, or topic…
aily CompositionsThis volume is comprised of three parts: prose meditations, free-writes, and poems each of which will be discussed in turn. As an introduction, a brief essay by the author, On Genre, has also been included to provide contextual coordinates for the writing which follows…
Meditations & PoemsA comprehensive retrospective of poetic achievement and prose meditations, using a new trajectory described as “free-writing”. This volume will offer to readers an experience of the creativity versatility which is a hallmark of this author’s writing.
KaleidoscopeStream of consciousness poetry that moves with the shifting shapes and colors characteristic of a kaleidoscope itself around the themes of authenticity. This is a book will transport you to the far reaches of the author’s heart and soul in daring ways and will move you to experience your own inner kaleidoscope.
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Seeking New LandA narrative poem. challenging and profound, about the journey of an itinerant monk who pursues new means of self-expression.The reader is invited to discover his or her own spiritual pilgrimage within these pages as the author pushes every literary boundary to boldly create something wholly new and inspiring.